I'm back......

.....and I feel like I just woke up from a night of no sleep! I look like it too!  The last month or so has been a whirlwind of emotion, change, experience and growth!  I might be exhausted, but I am exhausted and happy!

Previous to my "Blog Fast", I challenged myself to go for 40 days without any sweets.  During that time, I found I really didn't need chocolate as much as I always thought I did.

Blogs, however; are an entirely different craving for me.  I realize that I crave information, connection, creativity, and good writing!  I love learning about other people's lives, interests, aspirations and accomplishments.  Blogs inspire me!  I have missed them.

In their absence though, I have learned that I have a big problem with balance.  Learning to enjoy all things in moderation is a big deal to me, but right now I am not very good at it.  I have also learned that I tend to go unconscious at times, turning to outside sources to avoid fully living my own life.  I am not fully present in every moment.  I realized this, when I was finding myself spending too much time reading, or watching movies when I couldn't turn to the blogs I usually escape to.  Why would I do this?  I don't know!  I have a beautiful life filled with love and purpose and yet I seem to keep myself at a distance from everything I love.  Hmmm....interesting.

I am learning to be more aware of who I am and how I am spending my time.  I am trying not to judge myself....just observe and notice.  During the last 40 days, a lot of wonderful new things have happened.  My life is headed in a new and exciting direction, and I am so grateful to my Father in Heaven for giving me such an abundant and full life!  It's my choice to accept it though.  I think the Lord is offering all of us every good thing we desire.....we just have to ask for it and then make the choice to take it!

I highly recommend sacrificing something you might be holding on to a little too tightly.  Stretch yourself.  Take the time to step back and look at your life and behavior a little more closely.  I promise the Lord will show you the parts that need to be let go of, and the best part, is he will replace those parts with the thing you really want......happiness!

Dreams by Firelight

A couple of weeks ago Tyler and I made a decision.  Move out the couch and move in the treadmill!  We thought it was a good idea...until we wanted to sit down! 

Our living room is small and doesn't really accommodate a couch and a treadmill, so....we moved in our bed!!

After celebrating the "New York" new year (10:00 p.m MST) with Royce, Lupe, Adolfo and Blake, we brought our girlies home and put them to bed, then......we heaved and pushed and pulled our awkwardly heavy dead weight mattress through our hall and into the living room, where we ushered in the real new year (12:00 a.m. MST) with a movie, cheese and crackers, sangria and our cozy bed!  Hooray for the new year!

Originally the "move" was just for New Year's eve, but it ended up staying until yesterday, and it was fun having a living room with a bed and a treadmill.  It made me feel like a young newly wed, or a college kid, or like I was living in a tiny studio apartment in New York City!

By day my girls and I would snuggle and eat popcorn and watch movies and color and read stories and jump and dance and by night Tyler and I would sleep by the flicker of our warm cozy fire!

This first week of the new year was fun and spontaneous and different, I like to think it is a precursor to what lies ahead for us this year!

Throughout the week I sat on our bed and recorded my hopes and dreams for the year, and I started my gratitude journal which has already brought a spirit of excitement and awareness into my life.

Eventually the bed needed to go back to the bedroom....where I guess it belongs, because now it's time to get down to business and make all of those hopes and dreams come true!

The Christmas Grump!

I was really  grouchy on Christmas day this year!  I just couldn't get into the fun and excitement.  I tried, but my heart was somewhere far away.  I felt like I wanted to burst out bawling and throw myself into bed for the remainder of the day.  I was completely lonely in a house filled with people I love and I felt like there was no one who could understand how I was feeling.

I felt burdened with weird emotions, frustrations, annoyances and hard feelings that I just couldn't shake.  The more I felt them, the angrier I got with myself for feeling so weird and for choosing Christmas day, of all days to throw my inner pity party.  It was a lame party....let me tell ya.

Just the night before I had made a personal commitment to be more grateful for all of the good and "not so good" in my life, and here I was, already feeling sorry for myself and finding it most difficult to be happy on the happiest day of the year!

Tyler dropped me off at home in the afternoon to put the girls down for their naps, and then he quickly returned to his parent's house to play games and hang out with his family!  I was trying my hardest to hold all of my emotions down, just waiting to let them burst after he shut the door, but he paused on his way out to thank me for the Christmas gift I had given him this year (which was very sweet of him), and I couldn't hold it in for another second and burst into tears!  I wouldn't even accept his offer for a hug and just told him to go.

I had a good, hard, deep cry letting out all of my sadness and bitterness.  Sadness and bitterness that had a million origins. I didn't even know all of it existed until then.  When I look back at it, I can see that it had been building up for a long time, little aches and pains in my heart that I didn't really know what to do with, so I'd just grit my teeth and try not to lash out in anger.

After my cry I just sat on the couch thinking about how I was feeling.  Why was everything hurting me like it was?  I still don't know for sure.  What I do know is that sometimes life hurts....it just does.  People are imperfect and we ourselves are imperfect, and sometimes our expectations don't line up with the desires and behavior of others.  People hurt us without even meaning to, and the unfortunate truth is some people are just a little too selfish.  It's all okay though, because we are learning.  We are all in need of repentance and forgiveness and on that day when we celebrated the birth of our Savior, I realized once again, just what he means to me.  How constantly I need him, and how all of the sadness and bitterness he took upon himself, was to allow me the choice to leave it with him, and not have to carry it all on my own.

Truly something to celebrate!

Funny Feet

When I turned 8 years old, my Dad was away at Basic Training somewhere in the Southern United States!  I missed him, and it felt like forever since I had seen him.

We spent most of the summer, while he was gone, in Garrison on my Grandma and Grandpa's ranch!  It was magic!!  Hours and hours spent outdoors, wandering, exploring, and pretending!  Playing with cousins and enjoying the freedom of childhood!

I knew that when I turned 8, it would be time for me to be baptized.  I knew this was a big deal and there was still so much for me to learn and understand about the promises I would soon be making.

I was a happy child on one hand, but I was also a worrier, I felt even at my young age, that I had a lot of things to repent of......dark and serious things.  A lot of it stemmed from fears and emotions related to things I wrote about in THIS POST.  Along with my worries, I also struggled with a lot of insecurity.

I wanted to be baptized by my father, so I waited until he returned, and on a beautiful October day I stood with my Dad, both of us dressed in white.  Now, being a Mother myself, I can imagine the feelings my parents must have felt that day.  I imagine they felt in awe at how fast the years had gone by and how quickly I had grown.

I was recently asked what I remembered about my baptism day.  I know it was a beautiful and important day.  I remember feeling so clean and shiny.  I remember a feeling of sweetness and satisfaction when I was confirmed.  The thing I remember the most though, is how I hid my feet under the pew as I listened to the talks, for fear of someone noticing my funny looking feet!  WHAT?  What 8 year old child is worried about what their feet look like?

I was.

I don't know all of the reasons I felt ugly at such a young age.  It breaks my heart to think of my little self carrying such feelings of guilt, and embarrassment about my body.  I am still trying to work through those issues, all these years later.  The good news is, that on that October day so many years ago, I was touched by the power of the Atonement.  I was given a gift of comfort and companionship, a voice of reason in a dark world.  I knew without a doubt that I was known and loved by an all powerful and very personal Father in Heaven.

I wanted to be wherever that love was.  I wanted to find that place of safety, light, and happiness.

God has been so good to me, because even as I write this, I realize I am there.  I have so much to be grateful for!

Little Ballerina

I think I have found my new mantra!

"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

*George Eliot*

Sometimes I wonder why I didn't become a dancer?  I love to dance.  When I was a little girl, I used to pretend I was a ballerina. I would move my tiny arms in graceful movements. I would dip and twirl and daintily prance around the house.

Then I grew up, and I used to live for the weekend institute dances! The music was a call I could not ignore and the dance floor was my stage.  No one was watching, and it wasn't about attention.  It was about expression and it felt so good to move, and laugh, and live it up!!
 Now I hesitate to move my body that way and I can't quite figure it out.  I think it might be due to the extra pounds weighing me down.  It could be that I don't feel like myself anymore, and because of the embarrassment I feel for my bigger body, I've allowed areas of my heart and soul to wither away.  Parts that used to make me happy!

There are other things too, like...
Why didn't I ever try out for a play in high school, or stick with violin, or flute or guitar?  Why didn't I ever tell certain boys that I "liked" them?

Why wasn't I more generous, kind, outgoing and adventurous?  What could my life have been like?  What would I be like now?

I've wondered that from time to time.

I can't imagine God placing time limits and expiration dates on His dreams and goals.  Who knows how "old" he was when he created you.....or me.  I'm pretty sure he doesn't place limits on ours either.  That is usually our own doing.

I know this little ballerina is somewhere inside of me, even now.  And when I've found the love inside that doesn't judge my size, shape, age and limitations...

...I hope she'll dance again!

Becoming a Queen

In recent months, I have been fascinated with the idea of becoming. By that, I mean the idea of changing and evolving into my full potential. Into something greater than I currently am.

I have felt a need to find out what I am really doing here. It is my belief that we came from another existence where we were given a choice to come to earth. I believe that promises were made there and assignments were given. We interacted with God. I believe we are His children, and as His children we hold divinity that is beyond our comprehension. Being here on earth is part of a grand plan, the purpose of which, is to unite all of us as one eternal family and allow us the choice to return to our Father in Heaven. I have lived my entire life with these understandings, but I realize that just knowing something doesn’t mean I am really living up to my potential and purpose.

What is it then, that must be done for me to become who and what I am meant to be? Is it more about changing myself, or is it more about remembering myself? Most likely some of both.

Because these things have been on my mind a lot lately, it feels like I am at the beginning of my journey, but if I look back at my life thus far, I find that I have been on the journey all along. Becoming is simply about choices. Every choice we make sends us down the path of becoming. The question is what am I becoming?

Am I on the path to my full potential? Or am I wandering around, lost, confused, and focused on things that are nothing more than distractions.

I want to become who I am supposed to be. That is what I have decided for myself, and hopefully my choices will reflect that more often than not. Fulfilling my purpose is a very personal and sacred path, but I am all about working together to make things happen, and I’d like to include anyone and everyone who would like to help. In return I’d like to help anyone I can.

Because of all of this I have started a new blog Becoming a Queen. Through this blog I am going to share what I feel are crucial elements in this process. My hope is that others will help and contribute. I would love to interview others who are on this same quest, and who may have insight that will help me on my journey. I am excited to learn and...become.

Messy

Am I a messy person? I don't know. It feels like it most of the time.

I don't like that feeling.

When we were young, Amber's side of our room was always so neat and tidy, her bed made to perfection. I recall her disgust with her messy older sister whose clothes were dropped here and draped there and piles of stuff, books, important papers, and sentimental items covered nearly every surface....I guess I can't really blame her.

Clutter is so unhealthy. I'm serious! Studies have been done.......there is proof. I try to clean things up....I try, but I'm not like my mother or my sister. Within the day of a good cleaning, piles are forming and clothes are draped and dropped. I must say, it drives me crazy! It makes me sad. I am so easily distracted by books and blogs, creative ideas, projects, cuddles, kisses, delicious food and good conversation. Chasing messes all day is too much, it distracts me from my distractions.

They say that cleanliness is next to godliness...............*long sigh*...........I want to be next to godliness. I do.

Sometimes I wonder if my outward mess is just evidence of cluttered surfaces on the inside. If that is the case, perhaps I just need to clean off those surfaces and then all of the physical ones will stay clean too.....finally. Perhaps there will then be enough of me to chase messes AND do the things I love.

Prayer, fasting, meditation, study, self reflection, energy clearing, focus, humility and the power of Christ's atonement. It sounds so simple. The solutions do exist. I am lucky, no, blessed to know what I know......it doesn't make it easy though.

Heavenly Father loves messy people, fortunately for me. My beautiful babies love their messy mama, and my Tyler loves his messy Michelle. They give me permission to love my mess......and I guess I do. My mess is glorious. It is mine to sort through and purge......and eventually let go of for good.

Some day I will be completely clean. My heart and my home.

Until then, please forgive my mess.

The lady around the corner

Around the corner from my Parents, lives a saint of a woman. She is the sweetest of sweet and as thoughtful as they come. Nearly every family occasion we have, finds her there, like a devoted aunt or cousin, offering help, treats, and a heartwarming compliment or word of encouragement.

She is from Holland, and she speaks with a slight accent.....you know, the accent where the "th" is pronounced more like a "d".

I love this lady around the corner.

She rides around town on a pretty bike with a basket out front. She cheerfully waves as you pass with her enormous dog on a leash and her basket filled with bags from the local grocery.

She is a little bit of Europe and I love a little bit of Europe.

I can't really pin her appeal to anything as silly as a pretty bike with a basket, though they do add to her charm. The real reason she is exceptional in my eyes is her apparent quest for Charity: the pure love of Christ. I am not a part of her inner circle. I do not know her daily struggles, but I do know she handles people with care and sincerity. She has a gift for looking at you and seeing who you REALLY are, not just your silliness and imperfection. Trust me, everyone needs a neighbor like this.

I must admit.....I do want a pretty bike of my own. I want to ride the country roads of my new home town. I want to scatter sunshine, and cheer. I want to handle people with care and sincerity, and most of all, I want to be gifted with Charity, and I want to share it with everybody.

Just like the lady around the corner!

This beautiful photograph is taken from one of my favorite websites Hello My Name is Heather!

Good Morning Sunshine

Most mornings Tyler gets out of bed first. When the morning cry sounds from the room across the hall, he's the one to rescue our little ladies from their slumber, and whisk them off for some sweet daddy-daughter time before work, which means I usually get to steal a few more minutes of sleep!

Mornings are not my thing.

Before marrying me, Tyler had grand visions of us arising early, me at the stove, preparing a warm breakfast to send him on his way, my face all aglow with love and the warmth of the rising sun.

Boy, did I ever disappoint.

Most mornings you'll find me tossing in our bed, inwardly screaming...nooooooooo! I can't go on!

It is sad....so very, very sad.

I'll admit I had grand visions too! I've always wanted to be a morning person, but I struggle.

I love the comfort of my comforter. I adore the sweetness of my sheets. I long to linger on my pillow. To go on, or not to go on......that is always the question!

This is just another area where I need to change. Uggg! You know that old adage....early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise? Well, I really don't want to be left out of all that sweet action!! Health? Wealth? Wisdom? Yes please!!!

Oh the price! Can I afford it?

Hmmmmm..........it looks like it's time to stop spending my energy account on late night netflix, because, darn it all........It really is leaving me broke in the morning.

Change

A lot of great things have happened in our family this month!

Adeline cut her first tooth on Mother's Day.

I have my first potty trained child! Congratulations Emilee!

I ran a whole mile from start to finish for the first time in my life! I was always that girl in P.E. class who dreaded the day we ran the mile. Oh boy did I dread that day. I have always hated running. The whole gasping for every breath and feeling like your head is going to explode just didn't excite me. As a result, I never pushed myself to get better at it.....until now.

Tyler gave me my first "break" since Addy was born. I spent the weekend with my sister! It was a very much appreciated gift. Thank you my love.

Adeline has started to pull herself into a standing position and started to speak that beautiful baby jibber jabber so fluently!

Things in life seem to change so fast. I saw this photo of Emilee this weekend, and my heart ached. Baby Em has quickly been replaced by a big girl. I feel like time is speeding up and I need it to slow down. I know I'm not soaking everything in fast enough.

Plumperoni

Okay....this is me.

Well actually this was me about three years ago, but this is a shot of me at the height of my plumpness and glory.

I am learning to embrace my soft squishiness, but it is not really the look I want to sport for the rest of my life.

Though I believe that it is important to be happy right where you are....in your current state, I do not believe we should ever be completely satisfied with our current state. Dissatisfaction initiates progression and creativity and I am at a point where progression and creativity are needed and welcome!

I am on a journey of self reclamation! I am not going to settle any longer for the lower version of myself that I have befriended for many many years. In fact I don't really know if befriended is the right word for it, because speaking ill of, lying to, and mistreating someone isn't friendly at all! The truth is I've been belittling myself for far too long!!

There is a mighty obstacle in the way though.

Food.

I love food!! And when I say love, I'm talking a capital L-O-V-E. That coupled with any emotional baggage I'm hanging on to makes for a long shot at permanent weight loss. So.....here it goes. I'll be testing some new ideas and techniques I've got up my sleeve.

I'll let you know how it goes!

The Fairy Blog-Mother

If you have not heard of Stephanie Nielson that probably means you have not read her blog! If you haven't read her blog that might mean you have not been exposed to the beauty that is available to you as a woman.

About a year and a half ago, I was introduced to The NieNie Dialogues. I was smitten. I felt as though I had found a soul sister, someone who shared the dreamy romantic view of life that I held in my heart and soul. I felt freed. I was inspired. I was moved. To focus on the good, and to create the good. That is what NieNie taught me.

I've decided that blogging is powerful and here's why. It is a record of your thoughts, your dreams, your observations. It causes you to focus on the things you desire and the things you believe. You realize your capacity to love, you observe and feel gratitude for the love you receive. It exposes your complexities and simplicities. When you step back and really think about it, your blog is a portrait of yourself...........whoever you are, whatever you are....it is captured and thrown out as a ray of light in the darkness.

Writing is a creation process, but I am starting to believe that it helps in physical creation as well. When you write about life, you allow yourself to imagine something even greater.....as a result greater things come about. I know it has happened in my life. Perhaps it will in yours too!

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."

Henry David Thoreau

Let's do this thing!

This is a view of our deck! It needs some serious love and care. Love and care that I have been withholding. Not because I don't feel it, but simply because I have been loving and caring for more important things.

Lucky for our deck, and all those who have ever had to witness our dirty diaper bag hanging next to the front door (nasty), I will finally be turning my attention and affection outside of my home. It will be hard for me to share my heart, but I feel it is important to express myself and my love in all areas of my stewardship. I want our yard and home to be inviting, and I want it to be an expression of who we are.....and we are NOT a bag of dirty diapers blowing in the breeze my friends......we are freshly mowed grass, a flourishing garden, and happy flowers.

Just wait.............you'll see!

CraziBeautiful

It's Monday! We had a wonderful weekend full of family and celebration! I'll post more about that soon!

I'm really excited for a new opportunity that I've been given to be a Contributing Editor over at www.crazibeautiful.com! I will be contributing to their "Honoring Womanhood" section.

You can check me out HERE!

Grump Fest 2010

I ate cake for breakfast this morning.....yes cake! The saddest part of that story is, I fed it to Emilee as well. Not the wisest mothering choice, but I thought it might add some sweetness to an otherwise dark, wet, cold morning.

I'm going to over share now.

I know it's not good energy to complain...but this whole week has been a major grump fest for me! My mood has been swinging with such force, I'm afraid it might poke an eye out!

I don't feel like myself. Opposition keeps getting up in my face, pushing me around, whispering...."just give up already"!

I need a make-over! I wish they had a "biggest loser" for people who just need to loose 30 or 40 lbs. I wish a gift card for a day at the spa would show up for me in the mail. I also wish I could sleep at night, and that my eyebrows didn't look like they were taking over my face!

Am I feeling sorry for myself? A little.

Sometimes I just can't believe the endless things a woman's body goes through....just being a woman! All the hormones, and cycles, and cramps and pains, and bloating, and uncontrollable grouchiness, and then there is the illness of pregnancy, the discomfort, and water retention, which turns into the intense pain of contractions, followed by pushing a baby out of your body, followed by the pain when you being breastfeeding, then the sleepless nights, and then your body freaks out as it tries to start your "womanly" cycle again!

And then there are the men who look at you like "what's your problem?" (Not that my husband would ever do that....he's awesome!)

I don't know. Maybe it's just me.

This last week I have felt like I could sleep for an entire week. I don't know what is happening, but I need help! Heavenly help.

I know this cloud will pass. I know being a woman is a wonderful gift. I really do! I'm just having a really hard week.

Thanks for letting me vent.

A little encouragement

You would think that one who awakens each morning with the knowledge of how critical her job is, would have no problem whatsoever, doing those things that will make her job a little easier and a whole lot more successful......but honestly, sometimes she overlooks those "most important" duties, and instead finds other things to distract her and fill her time. That is why something had to be done!

It may seem pathetic(and quite honestly, it is), but in order to encourage the prayer and scripture study that are vital in maintaining her sanity and sanctity, she purchased a few things to encourage her. Actually they were received as Christmas gifts this year, but they were carefully picked out with this end in mind.

The first one is a print, now hanging near her bed, reminding her to kneel and pray at least twice a day! Constant prayers are offered through out the day as she deals with her tiny tots, and struggles with her weaknesses, but a good "kneel down" prayer is always just what the doctor ordered as a healing agent to her tired soul.

The second is this little beauty!


Her husband thinks it is hideous, and maybe you agree, but to her, this bright pink vinyl tote is the perfect spot for her scriptures to reside, awaiting her search and study. Seeing this sitting around the house, is a happy reminder of the beautiful messages of hope and joy waiting inside! How could she ignore this sweet invitation to read?

She is happy to report, that both of these aids have helped considerably! So I guess opposition just needed a good hit over the head with a hot pink hand bag!! Who knew?

Brand New Year

The Holidays were great and long and sick and tired! It was so fun to watch Emilee opening her gifts. We watched her climb up the stairs and run into my mom's living room, jump up and down at the sight of all the gifts and Christmas cheer!

I think she felt the magic!

Unfortunately the holidays were full of head colds, sore throats, coughing and achy bodies. We arrived home from our week and a half vacation even more exhausted than when we left.

I am sitting here in the middle of a huge mess, next to Emmy-boo, who keeps going pee-pee in her princess pull-ups! We started potty training today, and I'm not quite sure what I am doing! I'm feeling a little intimidated, I must say. I certainly need to watch the training video again.

I'm excited for the new year!!! I know my cold will pass in the next few days, Emmy will begin using her new potty chair, and I'll get my mess cleaned up.

I have been thinking.....I need a moto for the year, something to motivate and inspire me into action!!! I narrowed it down to two. "Cleanliness is next to Godliness" and "Just Do It". I can't decide between them, so I'm going with "Cleanliness is next to Godliness, so Just Do It!"

This year my home is going to be a haven of peace and cleanliness!! All of those things I always talk about doing, I'm just going to do!! It is going to be awesome! I am so excited! I really want to be a new and better version of my self this year! I want to try things I normally wouldn't have the desire or courage to do! I just know that 2010 is going to rock my world.

So say goodbye to the old lazy, tired, unmotivated Michelle and say hello to the new and improved!!!

I'm off to clean my kitchen!! Talk to you later!