Darkness & Light

Anger is a complicated thing and it always seems to be fighting to take over my identity.  It courses through my veins and vibrates in my cells.  I keep trying to give it permission to leave, but it won't.  I think there is a part of myself that withholds permission, holding the anger captive in an unsuspecting heart.

I had a dream last night, where someone was hurting my child and I felt that anger over take me.  The abuser stood in front of me with the most ugly disgusting look of..."yes I am abusing your child, and you can do nothing about it" on his face.  I walked up to him and looked into the deadness of his eyes, then I looked at my sweet daughter who was afraid and confused, not only by the actions of this man, but by the emptiness that this kind of evil brings into a room.  I hated him for giving my daughter this experience and I hated him for knowing how much I hated him....and reveling in it.  I was sick.  My fists were clenched, my heart pumping.  He looked at me and I looked at him, but I couldn't do it....I couldn't pound  his smug look into the ground like I so desperately wanted to.  I felt so weak....physically weak....and I hated myself for it.  I was afraid of what he could do to me, or my sweet daughter if I tried and failed.  I didn't want to put her through any more trauma, so I stuffed my anger down, took her by the hand and we walked away.

I didn't know how to react with anything but anger and hate.  I wanted him to feel pain....any kind of pain, but I couldn't inflict it and that bothered me.

This is a familiar scene in my life, and I knew this man represented everyone who has hurt my heart over the years. I have known far too often the feeling of being hurt by others and stuffing it down until there is so much hate, anger and resentment inside, I feel like I am going to explode.

I feel like a Jekyll and Hyde torn between love and forgiveness and hate and resentment.  I was created with a gentle heart.  A desire for peace.  The thought of hurting someone else has never felt right or appropriate, no matter how much hurt they are causing me,and yet all of that unexpressed emotion is eating me alive.

I remember my brother constantly beating on me and teasing me as a child.  I hated him for it, but I would just take it and cry.  I remember my mom getting so tired of it all, she would say, "Michelle just get up and beat on him, give it back to him....show him he can't do this to you", but I couldn't.  I knew I was physically weaker than him and I didn't want to be mocked for my lame attempt at "fighting back", so I just laid down and took it.  I also couldn't stand the thought of hurting him...what good would that do?

I don't want to be weak anymore.  I don't want to walk the planet, handicapped by anger, too weak to defend myself and those I love.  I don't think I have ever realized more than I do this morning, how small and powerless I am without my Savior.  When I woke up this morning, with the sickness of my dream aching in my body, I knew I needed Him to take my burden and make it light.  I think I have tried to carry it on my own for far too long.

Christmas Light

I have many memories of squeezing into a minivan filled with teenagers from my church youth group, cruising I-15 to the SLC, and laughing all the way there and back.  It was our holiday visit to the Christmas lights at Temple Square.  It would happen every year, and it was the event I looked forward to more than any other youth activity we had.  

I would wander around with my friends in the frosty air, surrounded by crowds of people smiling and laughing beneath the millions of twinkle lights, and every year there would be that moment my heart would swell with complete contentment.  It was the familiar feeling that told me it was finally Christmas!  

When cheeks were ripe with winter rosiness, and every site had been seen, we would load back up and beeline it to Crown Burger for cheese burgers, french fries, and my favorite part...fry sauce!

 The ride home would always be slightly less comfortable, but only because our bellies would be stuffed full of fast food and our toes were in that tingly defrost mode, but the warmth...ahhhh...the warmth was so comfortable.  The warmth of sitting shoulder to shoulder with my friends.  The warmth of belonging, and the warmth of having something to look forward to, something to celebrate, and something to believe in.

I love that Christmas is so full of tradition.  These traditions are little gifts wrapped in memory and filled with light that we can't wait to open year after year.  Even though we know what's inside, the surprise of how we feel never gets old.


What is your favorite Christmas tradition?

*Image*

We all have a part in the Christmas Story

Here is a little Christmas poem I wrote for my Primary kids!

To live a life as pure and clean as little Jesus did, 

is hard to do for me and you,

we make mistakes and sin.

But when we make a promise to take upon his name--

to hear his charge to change our hearts, 

and let his spirit in....

we will shine as brightly as the star on Christmas night,

and guide all those around us to his pure and perfect light.

And like the holy angels, who sang about his birth,

we can tell the story of his coming to the earth.

We can kneel before him, as the lowly shepherds did,

and give our hearts and all we have

like the wise men gave their gifts.

We were not there that holy night, to hear the angels sing.

But we're here NOW to share the LOVE of our

Savior, Lord and King!!

The Christmas Grump!

I was really  grouchy on Christmas day this year!  I just couldn't get into the fun and excitement.  I tried, but my heart was somewhere far away.  I felt like I wanted to burst out bawling and throw myself into bed for the remainder of the day.  I was completely lonely in a house filled with people I love and I felt like there was no one who could understand how I was feeling.

I felt burdened with weird emotions, frustrations, annoyances and hard feelings that I just couldn't shake.  The more I felt them, the angrier I got with myself for feeling so weird and for choosing Christmas day, of all days to throw my inner pity party.  It was a lame party....let me tell ya.

Just the night before I had made a personal commitment to be more grateful for all of the good and "not so good" in my life, and here I was, already feeling sorry for myself and finding it most difficult to be happy on the happiest day of the year!

Tyler dropped me off at home in the afternoon to put the girls down for their naps, and then he quickly returned to his parent's house to play games and hang out with his family!  I was trying my hardest to hold all of my emotions down, just waiting to let them burst after he shut the door, but he paused on his way out to thank me for the Christmas gift I had given him this year (which was very sweet of him), and I couldn't hold it in for another second and burst into tears!  I wouldn't even accept his offer for a hug and just told him to go.

I had a good, hard, deep cry letting out all of my sadness and bitterness.  Sadness and bitterness that had a million origins. I didn't even know all of it existed until then.  When I look back at it, I can see that it had been building up for a long time, little aches and pains in my heart that I didn't really know what to do with, so I'd just grit my teeth and try not to lash out in anger.

After my cry I just sat on the couch thinking about how I was feeling.  Why was everything hurting me like it was?  I still don't know for sure.  What I do know is that sometimes life hurts....it just does.  People are imperfect and we ourselves are imperfect, and sometimes our expectations don't line up with the desires and behavior of others.  People hurt us without even meaning to, and the unfortunate truth is some people are just a little too selfish.  It's all okay though, because we are learning.  We are all in need of repentance and forgiveness and on that day when we celebrated the birth of our Savior, I realized once again, just what he means to me.  How constantly I need him, and how all of the sadness and bitterness he took upon himself, was to allow me the choice to leave it with him, and not have to carry it all on my own.

Truly something to celebrate!

Funny Feet

When I turned 8 years old, my Dad was away at Basic Training somewhere in the Southern United States!  I missed him, and it felt like forever since I had seen him.

We spent most of the summer, while he was gone, in Garrison on my Grandma and Grandpa's ranch!  It was magic!!  Hours and hours spent outdoors, wandering, exploring, and pretending!  Playing with cousins and enjoying the freedom of childhood!

I knew that when I turned 8, it would be time for me to be baptized.  I knew this was a big deal and there was still so much for me to learn and understand about the promises I would soon be making.

I was a happy child on one hand, but I was also a worrier, I felt even at my young age, that I had a lot of things to repent of......dark and serious things.  A lot of it stemmed from fears and emotions related to things I wrote about in THIS POST.  Along with my worries, I also struggled with a lot of insecurity.

I wanted to be baptized by my father, so I waited until he returned, and on a beautiful October day I stood with my Dad, both of us dressed in white.  Now, being a Mother myself, I can imagine the feelings my parents must have felt that day.  I imagine they felt in awe at how fast the years had gone by and how quickly I had grown.

I was recently asked what I remembered about my baptism day.  I know it was a beautiful and important day.  I remember feeling so clean and shiny.  I remember a feeling of sweetness and satisfaction when I was confirmed.  The thing I remember the most though, is how I hid my feet under the pew as I listened to the talks, for fear of someone noticing my funny looking feet!  WHAT?  What 8 year old child is worried about what their feet look like?

I was.

I don't know all of the reasons I felt ugly at such a young age.  It breaks my heart to think of my little self carrying such feelings of guilt, and embarrassment about my body.  I am still trying to work through those issues, all these years later.  The good news is, that on that October day so many years ago, I was touched by the power of the Atonement.  I was given a gift of comfort and companionship, a voice of reason in a dark world.  I knew without a doubt that I was known and loved by an all powerful and very personal Father in Heaven.

I wanted to be wherever that love was.  I wanted to find that place of safety, light, and happiness.

God has been so good to me, because even as I write this, I realize I am there.  I have so much to be grateful for!

Becoming a Queen

In recent months, I have been fascinated with the idea of becoming. By that, I mean the idea of changing and evolving into my full potential. Into something greater than I currently am.

I have felt a need to find out what I am really doing here. It is my belief that we came from another existence where we were given a choice to come to earth. I believe that promises were made there and assignments were given. We interacted with God. I believe we are His children, and as His children we hold divinity that is beyond our comprehension. Being here on earth is part of a grand plan, the purpose of which, is to unite all of us as one eternal family and allow us the choice to return to our Father in Heaven. I have lived my entire life with these understandings, but I realize that just knowing something doesn’t mean I am really living up to my potential and purpose.

What is it then, that must be done for me to become who and what I am meant to be? Is it more about changing myself, or is it more about remembering myself? Most likely some of both.

Because these things have been on my mind a lot lately, it feels like I am at the beginning of my journey, but if I look back at my life thus far, I find that I have been on the journey all along. Becoming is simply about choices. Every choice we make sends us down the path of becoming. The question is what am I becoming?

Am I on the path to my full potential? Or am I wandering around, lost, confused, and focused on things that are nothing more than distractions.

I want to become who I am supposed to be. That is what I have decided for myself, and hopefully my choices will reflect that more often than not. Fulfilling my purpose is a very personal and sacred path, but I am all about working together to make things happen, and I’d like to include anyone and everyone who would like to help. In return I’d like to help anyone I can.

Because of all of this I have started a new blog Becoming a Queen. Through this blog I am going to share what I feel are crucial elements in this process. My hope is that others will help and contribute. I would love to interview others who are on this same quest, and who may have insight that will help me on my journey. I am excited to learn and...become.

A little encouragement

You would think that one who awakens each morning with the knowledge of how critical her job is, would have no problem whatsoever, doing those things that will make her job a little easier and a whole lot more successful......but honestly, sometimes she overlooks those "most important" duties, and instead finds other things to distract her and fill her time. That is why something had to be done!

It may seem pathetic(and quite honestly, it is), but in order to encourage the prayer and scripture study that are vital in maintaining her sanity and sanctity, she purchased a few things to encourage her. Actually they were received as Christmas gifts this year, but they were carefully picked out with this end in mind.

The first one is a print, now hanging near her bed, reminding her to kneel and pray at least twice a day! Constant prayers are offered through out the day as she deals with her tiny tots, and struggles with her weaknesses, but a good "kneel down" prayer is always just what the doctor ordered as a healing agent to her tired soul.

The second is this little beauty!


Her husband thinks it is hideous, and maybe you agree, but to her, this bright pink vinyl tote is the perfect spot for her scriptures to reside, awaiting her search and study. Seeing this sitting around the house, is a happy reminder of the beautiful messages of hope and joy waiting inside! How could she ignore this sweet invitation to read?

She is happy to report, that both of these aids have helped considerably! So I guess opposition just needed a good hit over the head with a hot pink hand bag!! Who knew?

A Favorite Quote

I met Elder Maxwell once. I stood face to face with him. I shook his hand and looked into his exceptional blue eyes! I don't recall anything that was said, but as with all great moments in life, I remember the feeling....Peace, and goodness. That is the best way I can describe it!

The following is one of my favorite quotes/reminders and it comes from none other than Neil A. Maxwell:

"And, if you sense that one day every knee shall bow and every tongue shall confess that Jesus Christ is the Lord, why not do so now? For in the coming of that collective confession, it will mean much less to kneel down when it is no longer possible to stand up!"

To read the entire talk go here!

The Tiny Babe

I've been thinking a lot about Jesus. How He came into the world the same way we all do, as an infant. An incredible being in a small incapable body. He had to grow into his greatness!

I find hope in this simple observation.

We are all incredible beings, children of God. We all grow, but unlike The Savior, we do not always realize our greatest potential.

Because He came into this world and became who He was meant to be, we CAN do likewise! We can make mistakes and still have hope! We can change for the better!

The happiness that comes from this knowledge is huge!

I Love Christmas

But even more...I love the Man whose birth we celebrate!

So much to teach you!

Emilee likes to carry a small "Articles of Faith" card around with her. She likes it because it has a picture of Jesus......and kids (as she says). It is all bent up and crinkled, but she still totes it around and occasionally points to the picture and says "Jesus". It is really sweet!

The other day she was trying to show her special card to Adeline. It was a good discussion. Emmy teaching and Addy listening with the occasional coo or grunt of understanding.

So cute!