Celebrating Mother

I love this print by j. kirk richards.

I decided a couple of years ago, that Mother's day would be a day that I would celebrate no matter who else chooses to honor me on that day!  

I remember being young, making a card, or purchasing a cheaply made gift for my beautiful mother.  My attempts to show my appreciation always seemed inadequate.....and they were.  The sad thing is, my mother always hated Mother's Day.  I don't know all of the reasons, but I think it had something to do with feeling like her children and husband were forced to thank her and finally acknowledge all she does for our family.  I am sure it felt so contrived and somewhat insincere to her. 

I remember a period of time where every year, when asked what she would like for Mother's Day (which we shouldn't need to ask anyway), her answer was always "I'd love just one day with none of my children fighting".  Then she would walk away with a deep sigh.

Motherhood is a tough job.  There is no denying that, but what breaks my heart is when we start to feel so under appreciated, and/or inadequate, that we would rather altogether avoid any mention or celebration of our role as mother.

The first couple years Tyler and I were married I would awake on Mother's Day morning with a buzz of womanly excitement.  I knew I wasn't technically a mother yet, but I was a wife, which put me on the right path.  

I would secretly hope for breakfast in bed.  A heartfelt note......even just a "Happy Mother's Day" would do.......but nothing.  I finally confronted my disappointment and asked my sweet husband, who is always so thoughtful, why he hadn't even wished me a happy Mother's Day.  "Well, you're not my mother.....you're not even a mother at all!"  GASP!  Did my ears really hears such an unromantic response?  Wow!  I was shocked!  Could it be that we don't fully grasp the depth of meaning behind Mother's Day?  I could already feel a small part of the frustration my poor mother must have felt for all those years!  It was then and there that I decided  Mother's day would be a day of self celebration!  I would treat MYSELF like a queen that day!  I would take pause and honor the gift God has given me to create life, beauty, and well-being.  I would  look myself in the eyes and tell myself how valued and appreciated I am!  And I would spend some time alone, on my knees, seeking the validation that only the Lord can give.

I know that over the years, my family will celebrate Mother's Day.  There will be breakfast in bed.  I will come home from church with a pretty pink geranium, and read hand made cards from my babies, and my hope is my children will give me at least one day with no one fighting!  What I'm really hoping for the most though, is that I will always honor my role as mother and give myself the gift of recognizing how truly blessed I am.

I feel so fortunate to have been asked to share some thoughts on motherhood over at Empowering LDS Women, please go check it out!

Happy Mother's Day!

So many things on my mind

The flu/cold/diarrhea  monster has been holding my family hostage for what feels like months.  Cycle after cycle of torture and harsh treatment has had me working overtime administering Tylenol, Vics, essential oils, echinacea and of course replenishing fluids, cleaning up fluids, wiping boogers, wiping butts, and wiping up messes of all sorts until I have not a single ounce of energy left to take care of anything else......like myself.

This motherhood gig is tough I tell ya!

And yet as I am up all hours of the night consoling the inconsolable and patting their tiny backs while they cough themselves silly, I think of those mothers in other parts of the world, whose homes are no longer standing, who console a different kind of inconsolable and who are fighting a fight I know nothing about.  I pray for them....that sleep will come to their weary eyes and comfort to their hearts.

We all have our challenges and tonight I am so very grateful to have mine.

Funny Feet

When I turned 8 years old, my Dad was away at Basic Training somewhere in the Southern United States!  I missed him, and it felt like forever since I had seen him.

We spent most of the summer, while he was gone, in Garrison on my Grandma and Grandpa's ranch!  It was magic!!  Hours and hours spent outdoors, wandering, exploring, and pretending!  Playing with cousins and enjoying the freedom of childhood!

I knew that when I turned 8, it would be time for me to be baptized.  I knew this was a big deal and there was still so much for me to learn and understand about the promises I would soon be making.

I was a happy child on one hand, but I was also a worrier, I felt even at my young age, that I had a lot of things to repent of......dark and serious things.  A lot of it stemmed from fears and emotions related to things I wrote about in THIS POST.  Along with my worries, I also struggled with a lot of insecurity.

I wanted to be baptized by my father, so I waited until he returned, and on a beautiful October day I stood with my Dad, both of us dressed in white.  Now, being a Mother myself, I can imagine the feelings my parents must have felt that day.  I imagine they felt in awe at how fast the years had gone by and how quickly I had grown.

I was recently asked what I remembered about my baptism day.  I know it was a beautiful and important day.  I remember feeling so clean and shiny.  I remember a feeling of sweetness and satisfaction when I was confirmed.  The thing I remember the most though, is how I hid my feet under the pew as I listened to the talks, for fear of someone noticing my funny looking feet!  WHAT?  What 8 year old child is worried about what their feet look like?

I was.

I don't know all of the reasons I felt ugly at such a young age.  It breaks my heart to think of my little self carrying such feelings of guilt, and embarrassment about my body.  I am still trying to work through those issues, all these years later.  The good news is, that on that October day so many years ago, I was touched by the power of the Atonement.  I was given a gift of comfort and companionship, a voice of reason in a dark world.  I knew without a doubt that I was known and loved by an all powerful and very personal Father in Heaven.

I wanted to be wherever that love was.  I wanted to find that place of safety, light, and happiness.

God has been so good to me, because even as I write this, I realize I am there.  I have so much to be grateful for!

Mommy Monster

Emilee has entered a new phase.....a phase of perpetual fear.  Her dreams are vivid and haunting.  Some of them have lingered until real world becomes confused with dream world, and there is no convincing her that everything is going to be alright.

Sure there are plenty of things in the real world that could hurt her, but one so little shouldn't be followed around by worry and fright.  It breaks my heart to watch her lay in her bed trying to be brave with her blanket over her head as not to catch a glimpse of the scary monkey in the closet!! 

I can't help but wonder if all of this fear happens to correlate to my new phase.....the scary grumpy mommy phase.  

During the last few weeks I have had moments and even days that cause me to cringe and hang my head in shame.  Where there should be love, patience and warmth, I have shown up with screeching disapproval and reprimands.  I have snapped at the littlest of things.  I have said no, when I should have, and could have said yes and I have created a home of chaos and disorder with my selfish grumpiness!  No wonder my daughter stays awake at night worrying about all of the most frightening things her little imagination can conjure.  How can I expect her to believe my assurances when they are bumped up against my own fears and anxiety?

Last night after I tucked my precious babies into bed, I slipped away to my own bed and looked for comfort and reassurance in the only place I know how.  I prayed for strength and peace to flow into my heart.  I want to lead my daughters by example, and matching temper tantrum with temper tantrum isn't what I was intending.

I found my strength and peace in these words:

"Children rise higher when they are treated with respect.  Use courteous and respectful language when you talk with one another.  We have always had pretty clear expectations in our home about using respectful language.  One day our little granddaughter had been playing with a friend and came home quite upset about something the friend had said.  Her mother asked her what it was.  She responded, "Well, it's such a bad word I can't say it, but it was shut (point upward)!"

A world famous psychologist, Bruno Bettleheim, said at the age of eighty-four, "You can't teach children to be good.  The best you can do for your child is to live a good life yourself.  What a parent knows and believes, the child will lean on."

You don't teach a child not to hit by hitting.  We cannot expect to be respected if we treat others in demeaning ways."

Marjorie Pay Hinkley 

(one of my favorite ladies)

I know moms get grumpy.....I get that!  I know we work hard and tend to whining children and clean up messes all day.  Sometimes it can be wearing and frustrating!  What I am NOT okay with is seeing myself behave as anything but loving. 

I must say I'm relieved I woke up today!  That I am still breathing!  I'm taking it as a good sign that the Lord still trusts me to love these girls and do better today!

Becoming a Queen

In recent months, I have been fascinated with the idea of becoming. By that, I mean the idea of changing and evolving into my full potential. Into something greater than I currently am.

I have felt a need to find out what I am really doing here. It is my belief that we came from another existence where we were given a choice to come to earth. I believe that promises were made there and assignments were given. We interacted with God. I believe we are His children, and as His children we hold divinity that is beyond our comprehension. Being here on earth is part of a grand plan, the purpose of which, is to unite all of us as one eternal family and allow us the choice to return to our Father in Heaven. I have lived my entire life with these understandings, but I realize that just knowing something doesn’t mean I am really living up to my potential and purpose.

What is it then, that must be done for me to become who and what I am meant to be? Is it more about changing myself, or is it more about remembering myself? Most likely some of both.

Because these things have been on my mind a lot lately, it feels like I am at the beginning of my journey, but if I look back at my life thus far, I find that I have been on the journey all along. Becoming is simply about choices. Every choice we make sends us down the path of becoming. The question is what am I becoming?

Am I on the path to my full potential? Or am I wandering around, lost, confused, and focused on things that are nothing more than distractions.

I want to become who I am supposed to be. That is what I have decided for myself, and hopefully my choices will reflect that more often than not. Fulfilling my purpose is a very personal and sacred path, but I am all about working together to make things happen, and I’d like to include anyone and everyone who would like to help. In return I’d like to help anyone I can.

Because of all of this I have started a new blog Becoming a Queen. Through this blog I am going to share what I feel are crucial elements in this process. My hope is that others will help and contribute. I would love to interview others who are on this same quest, and who may have insight that will help me on my journey. I am excited to learn and...become.

This Gorgeous Life

We travel into the city, or "up north", as it is referred to here, about once a month. We usually stay with my family in Springville and hit up Costco, Wal-mart, and any other necessary stops.

It tends to be rushed and filled with the constant predicament of wanting to relax and enjoy family and friends and the need to get all of our errands done before heading back out to the desert.

I love it, and I hate it.

It's a price that we pay living way out in the unknown lands of the west. People think we are crazy, but.....we love it out here. I guess you could say, it is a price we are willing to pay. Besides Tyler and I haven't gone to rehab for our fast food addiction yet, so if it wasn't for our extremely remote location, we'd both weigh 300 lbs.

All that aside, I want to let you in on a little part of why I love Tyler. First of all, he loves his girls. I've mentioned that before, but I don't think you really get it. I mean he really REALLY adores them, and he wants to give them experiences that make them happy. Experiences that give them fond childhood memories. And I love him for that!


Last time we went to town we found a nice spot to stop on our way home. We pulled out our diaper boxes to use as tables, dug through our coolers and pulled out the hot dogs. Our hero daddy built us a fire, and hovered over the open flame roasting hot dogs for his hungry family. Emilee ran wild in the open air. She jumped up and down waiting to eat her hot dog, and then smiled like crazy while she smeared ketchup everywhere! Adeline cooed in the fresh air, and my heart swelled with love and contentment as I observed my little family.


This last trip was long and tiring. I built a cake, there was a wedding, Tyler rafted a river, we shopped and shopped and then finally late Saturday afternoon we set off for home. We were pooped....all of us. As we approached Delta, Tyler mentioned something about an ice cream cone, but I was in no mood to haul the babies out of their slumber, and away from the cool car in order to watch them smear ice cream all over kingdom come. No thank you!!

But, just as my sweet Tyler was about to move on, I had a change of heart......Yes!, I cried out......let's do it! Let's live our lives......let's eat ice cream! He smiled and circled back into the parking lot of the Delta Freeze. Once again our hero daddy saved the day. He reminded mommy that even though life makes us tired, it is still our life.......the only one we have. Today will never come again.



Thank you my love, for showing our girls that it is okay to have fun!!!

Love you a million x a million!

Minding your Pees & Poos

Isn't it great having a child who knows what to do with a potty chair? When diapers are replaced with pull-ups and princess panties, and every surface of the house is covered with sticker rewards for a job well done, you know that the big girl train is in town.................and we are all aboard!

The down side is, Emilee is a go-getter.......a wham-bam-thank you mam, kinda gal when it comes to using the potty! She races in there, drops her drawers and is almost off and running again before she finishes the job! This means there are dribbles everywhere leaving our home with a slight pee pee aroma. It also means I have to chase her down to give her the good wipe and clean.

Oh pa-lease! Who has time to be bothered with such inconsequential things as wiping?

Not Emmy.

She was doing so well, and still is, but it feels like the excitement has worn off, and we're having more accidents than we did in the beginning!

Ems......I am so proud of you though! You are such a smart, capable, beautiful girl. So what if you have an accident here and there. You are amazing, and at least chasing you around the house with your pull-ups around your ankles gives me a good laugh every day!

Just like always, you will get better as you go.

Someday my girl....... you'll have it all figured out.

Change

A lot of great things have happened in our family this month!

Adeline cut her first tooth on Mother's Day.

I have my first potty trained child! Congratulations Emilee!

I ran a whole mile from start to finish for the first time in my life! I was always that girl in P.E. class who dreaded the day we ran the mile. Oh boy did I dread that day. I have always hated running. The whole gasping for every breath and feeling like your head is going to explode just didn't excite me. As a result, I never pushed myself to get better at it.....until now.

Tyler gave me my first "break" since Addy was born. I spent the weekend with my sister! It was a very much appreciated gift. Thank you my love.

Adeline has started to pull herself into a standing position and started to speak that beautiful baby jibber jabber so fluently!

Things in life seem to change so fast. I saw this photo of Emilee this weekend, and my heart ached. Baby Em has quickly been replaced by a big girl. I feel like time is speeding up and I need it to slow down. I know I'm not soaking everything in fast enough.

Dandelions

On Saturday Emmy, Addy and I spent some time out on the deck in the sunshine!

It was so nice.

At one point, as I was feeding some rice cereal and peaches to the babe, Em wandered down the steps to the lawn. A few minutes later she approached with a fist full of dandelions. "Hea Mommy....feowas (flowers)."

Oh my.

Right then and there my heart grew and burst! It was my first bouquet of dandelions picked with love from my first born. I wish I had a photo of her sweet face looking up at me with her fist full of flowers held above her head!

I filled a tiny glass vase with water and attempted to arrange them. It was difficult considering most of them were just dandelion heads with no stems, but I displayed them proudly all weekend.

This morning I am left with their shriveled remnants and a beautiful memory!

Thank you baby girl!

To Be A Mother

"In speaking of mothers generally, I especially wish to praise and encourage young mothers. The work of a mother is hard, too often unheralded work. But with night feedings and night teethings, often the greatest challenge of all for a young mother is simply fatigue. Through these years, mothers go longer on less sleep and give more to others with less personal renewal for themselves than any other group I know at any other time in life. It is not surprising when the shadows under their eyes sometimes vaguely resemble the state of Rhode Island."

"Do the best you can through these years, but whatever else you do, cherish that role that is so uniquely yours and for which heaven itself sends angels to watch over you and your little ones. Husbands--especially husbands--as well as Church leaders and friends in every direction, be helpful and sensitive and wise. Remember, 'To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.'"


"In light of that kind of expression, it is clear that some of those Rhode Island--sized shadows come not just from diapers and carpooling but from at least a few sleepless nights spent searching the soul, seeking earnestly for the capacity to raise these children to be what God wants them to be. Moved by that kind of devotion and determination, may I say to mothers collectively, in the name of the Lord, you are magnificent. You are doing terrifically well. The very fact that you have been given such a responsibility is everlasting evidence of the trust your Father in Heaven has in you. HE knows that your giving birth to a child does not immediately propel you into the circle of the omniscient. If you and your husband will strive to love God and live the gospel yourselves; if you will plead for that guidance and comfort of the Holy Spirit promised to the faithful; if you will go to the temple to both make and claim the promises of the most sacred covenants a woman or man can make in this world; if you will show others, including your children, the same caring, compassionate, forgiving heart you want heaven to show you; if you try your best to be the best parent you can be, you will have done all that a human being can do and all that God expects you to do."

Elder Jeffery R. Holland

I saw these quotes on my cousin's blog this week and thought I would post them as well. I also saw this funny and awesome version of "the bather" on Snippet & Ink and thought it would be appropriate in celebration of mothers and the role they play in our lives.

Today we celebrate motherhood! You all know how much I love a good celebration! I am overwhelmed with emotion and awe when I think of the magnificence of motherhood! I take this sacred role most seriously and find confidence in it like nothing I have ever done. It makes me sad to know I am imperfect and so often fall short, but there is a peace that comes to my heart that I know every mother has if they will look for it. It is that peace that reminds you that you are doing it!!! You are living your highest calling! I wish more women would take mother's day as a day to honor themselves as well as each other. Don't let it be a day you allow the guilt of all your imperfections to wash over and depress you.

You are a "Wonder Woman"!

Let's think of our Heavenly Father, who, as Elder Holland says, has trusted us with this most awesome opportunity! He, the ruler of the universe trusts us because He knows what we are capable of!!! Wow. If that doesn't make you feel better about yourself......I don't know what will!

Happy Mother's Day!

The Fairy Blog-Mother

If you have not heard of Stephanie Nielson that probably means you have not read her blog! If you haven't read her blog that might mean you have not been exposed to the beauty that is available to you as a woman.

About a year and a half ago, I was introduced to The NieNie Dialogues. I was smitten. I felt as though I had found a soul sister, someone who shared the dreamy romantic view of life that I held in my heart and soul. I felt freed. I was inspired. I was moved. To focus on the good, and to create the good. That is what NieNie taught me.

I've decided that blogging is powerful and here's why. It is a record of your thoughts, your dreams, your observations. It causes you to focus on the things you desire and the things you believe. You realize your capacity to love, you observe and feel gratitude for the love you receive. It exposes your complexities and simplicities. When you step back and really think about it, your blog is a portrait of yourself...........whoever you are, whatever you are....it is captured and thrown out as a ray of light in the darkness.

Writing is a creation process, but I am starting to believe that it helps in physical creation as well. When you write about life, you allow yourself to imagine something even greater.....as a result greater things come about. I know it has happened in my life. Perhaps it will in yours too!

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."

Henry David Thoreau

Million x Million

Every day I tell my girls I love them a million x a million, which, come on......that's a million million. Is it even possible to love more than that?

I think not.

Courage my Love

Adeline is our apprehensive child. She is a homebody, and when I say homebody I mean she likes to be held tightly against her mother's body, and most of the time nobody else will do.

She ponders daily on many serious subjects, and I like to imagine that she is visualizing all of the great things she will accomplish during her life.

Having a second child has caused me to realize that indeed all children are different. They arrive with different personalities, strengths, and missions to fulfill. I really think that coming to earth was harder for Adeline than it was for Emilee. I try to create a sense of security and safety around her....I desire to instill the confidence she will need to branch out and embrace her purpose here on earth! It is all so wonderful and exciting!

Addy, I love it when daddy brings you to our bed in the mornings. You wiggle and smile as we lay tummy to tummy......mommy and baby. You reach for my face, lay your sweet head on my chest and suck on your tiny thumb. You gaze at me with those beautiful blues and lift me out of my morning slump. I love that about you.

Be strong my sweet Adeline. Life is yours...it is now. Soak it in, wrap your soft little arms around it and take courage my love. All things are possible for you......my beautiful baby girl.

Swifter, Higher, Stronger

Several times in the last two years, I have taken a long long look at the beauty that surrounds me! I feel a great sense of gratitude and peace when I contemplate my life and all that it has become, but there are also moments where I wonder what I have gotten myself into. Let's be honest.....being a mom is hard.

Motherhood is a race that I am winning time and time again. By winning, I don't mean that it is always accomplished gracefully or that it is even how I intend it to be....I mean that at the end of the day, be it long and tiring, or filled with light and happiness, I get to stand on the winner's platform with my hard earned metal proudly resting near my heart. I get to close my eyes and hear the anthem of my home play in the laughter of my children. These kinds of metals are hard earned....they are fought for in the battles of daily life. Motherhood is far more magnificent than we realize.

It is heart breaking and heart building.

Making it through another day of messes, whining, near choking disasters, spills, crying, messes, short naps, teething, sticky fingers, bad dreams, messes, tantrums etc......makes me a winner! We can't hang our heads in shame when we come out of it with our heart's still in tact and our homes still standing. We get to create lives, mold lives.....and sometimes even save lives!

We are hero's.....all of us.

Tomorrow will be another starting line....another stretch....another wait for another chance.....another win.

Not Pretty Folks

Am I alone here?

Really....I'm starting to feel like the only one who can't figure out how to function on night after night of 2 or 3 hours of sleep. I know Mothers have been experiencing this for decades....centuries even, but I feel wimpy and handicapped. I feel myself wilting.

It isn't pretty.

Lately it has been a constant line up of sleepless nights. Getting up in the night over and over and over, and with each howling cry of a child in a distant room, sleep scurries off to a dark corner leaving me awake, confused, and disoriented once again. Being pulled out of sleep over and over feels like the worst form of torture. I don't know whether to feel pity for myself or burst out laughing at the insanity of it all!! It feels like one of those tragically funny movies where someone keeps getting hit between the legs or running into doors! You think that sooner or later it will end, but nope.....just another fall, face first in a mud puddle.

The other morning I was so frazzled and exhausted that I yelled at my baby who was crying on the bed. I yelled at her! This poor little adorable girl, with unmet needs got yelled at, simply because I felt tired and couldn't handle one more minute of crying, at least not her crying......because when Tyler came running in, I too burst into tears.

It wasn't pretty.

Thank goodness last night was a little better, and I got a few consecutive hours of uninterrupted sleep! It did help, but unfortunately not enough. The babies are asleep now, which means I need to hit my knees with a plea for rest and then jump directly into bed.

Wish me sleep....I so desperately need it!

Spoiler Alert

I've been thinking a lot about my behavior as a mother. I've been pondering and wondering about the whole idea of "spoiling" a child.

When my sister's baby girl was born, she brought her out to the desert(where I live),and for a couple of days I got to hold her and love her and breath in her glorious freshness. She was perfect and so dependent on those of us who adored her and held her fragile, little roly-poly body.

One of our well meaning relatives kept saying we needed to stop holding her so much. We were warned that holding her all of the time was spoiling her, and soon she would expect to be held all of the time!

Something about that didn't settle well with me. I couldn't figure it out. I had heard things like that all of my life, and for the most part, I agreed. Nobody likes a "spoiled child", and I certainly didn't want my precious niece labeled in that way, but, somewhere inside of myself I knew that there was no way to "spoil" a child with love. It just wasn't possible.

In order to spoil, or ruin a person I think neglect has to be involved. If we are neglecting our responsibility to teach our children morals, manners, boundaries, rules, common sense....things like that, then we are spoiling them.

In our home we bounce on beds, jump on couches, take long abundant bubble baths! We make big messes! We sing and play and make lots of noise. Treats are handed out almost daily! Silly, frivolous requests are granted. Baby cheeks are kissed until they are chappy and because of this.....happiness abounds!

To those gasping in horror, I do recognize that there is a balance required. I am teaching Emilee that while we may jump on couches at home, grandma or the neighbor may not allow the same behavior and that must always be respected. Sometimes I fear we don't realize how capable they are of learning the difference. They ARE children, so of course they will test boundaries, but that is where the teaching comes in. When I consider giving my girls something, or allowing a certain behavior I try to weigh whether or not it will really harm them, if not, then I usually allow it. I am learning when to say no.....and trying a lot harder to say yes!

Life is an opportunity to experience things.....why limit the experiences just because we don't want children to demand or expect more of them? Besides, I don't see anything wrong with expecting the things we want out of life!!

When I think about the generosity of my Heavenly Father, I realize that giving our children things that make them happy is a good thing! He knows all about my favorite things and has given me many great opportunities that mean a lot to me and enrich my life! Because of this, I feel taken care of and loved.....I trust him to care and listen and grant me my righteous and sometimes even frivolous desires. His generosity brings great happiness and contentment to my life and my spirit!

These are just MY thoughts.....every mother gets the opportunity to chose the way they will mother their children. I just don't want to promote the idea that creating happiness and love, is spoiling a child. As long as giving is accompanied with teaching we are enriching children....not spoiling them.

I love this quote by Marjorie Hinkley:

"My mother taught me some basic philosophies of rearing children. One is that you have to trust children. I tried hard never to say "no" if I could possibly say "yes." I think that worked well because it gave my children the feeling that I trusted them and they were responsible to do the best they could."

As the cliche goes....Life is short! Don't spoil your children....enrich them! Just say YES!

The Terrific Twos

Yesterday I thoroughly enjoyed a simple, but beautiful celebration of life. The life of our first born!

There were birthday phone calls, several renditions of "Happy Birthday" and a special magic in the air that filled Emilee with energy and excitement!

The day started with Emmy sitting in the big blue chair, while mommy and daddy sang "Happy Birthday" to our sweet baby girl! She wiggled and giggled through the whole song.

Then mommy prepared a special pancake breakfast in her honor!


Later in the day we worked on a beautiful birthday crown for our beautiful princess Emilee!


She was then treated to her favorite meal.....pizza! She has been asking for pizza on a regular basis lately, so we fulfilled her request and satisfied her cravings.


At the end of the day she wore her birthday crown to family dinner and ran around with her cousins, playing and squealing with happiness. There was the occasional heated fight over toys, but overall excitement to be loved.....excitement for life!


Emilee, you are my sunshine! There is absolutely no darkness that can last when you are around. You fill my life with inexpressible happiness. I love watching you love your baby sister. I enjoy observing your young nurturing heart. It thrills me to no end hearing you scream "dadoo" every time your daddy comes through the door! I am absolutely in love with you....your hugs, kisses, your enthusiasm, your ocassional grouchiness, your big blue eyes.

I thank my Father in Heaven for sharing you with me, and giving me the honored roll of your mother! I look forward to sharing the beauty of this world together for many many years to come!

Happy Birthday Emmy-boo!

Marshmallow Cheeks

Please excuse the blurriness of this photo, and instead, focus on those ooey gooey marshmallow cheeks!

My lips get completely warn out by the end of the day, what with all the nibbling and nuzzling!

Addy Mae....you have the most delicious cheeks in all the land! And they're MINE....all MINE!!

Life as a Princess

This is Emilee. Emilee is a princess. She is wearing her princess night gown, which is way too small, so now she wears it as a shirt.

She loves being a princess.

Her princessly duties include twirling, watching Disney movies, doing her chores (yes, princesses have chores), making messes, loving on baby sister, drawing, eating snacks, taking bubble baths, reading stories, singing songs, taking off clothes, putting clothes back on, visiting grandma and grandpa, playing with cousins and many many more extremely important things.

Everyday she grows more lovely, more beautiful, more princess like.

I love you princess Emilee!

What would I do without You?

This last week has been hard for me. So HARD. I was going along just fine when all at once I stumbled upon THIS BLOG and began living my worst fear! This makes it sound like I ran into a horrible blog.....but that is not so. This blog is beautiful, and inspiring, but unfortunately, about a family who lost their sweet little daughter a couple of years ago. She was the exact age Emilee is now when they lost her. She was taken so unexpectedly on a beautiful spring day, when she choked on an apple of all things!

As I read the story, and followed their journey of healing and survival, something happened to my heart! It broke into a million gazillion little pieces. I have never been through anything like this! I felt as though I was reading about the loss of my own two year old daughter. So many things about little Lucy echoed the personality and traits of Emilee. Her love of dancing, her energy, her light, her golden locks, and big eyes.

I was haunted.

Since the day of Emilee's birth, I have worried about losing her, and now Adeline as well. I sometimes think my concerns are a little on the unhealthy side, and I have really tried to put my trust in the Lord, and turn my fear into faith. It is something I have no control over......and yet I worry!

All week I was in mourning....mourning the "what if". Seeing Emilee playing and going about her day felt like nothing more than memories going through my mind. I would bawl and miss her.....even though she was right there in my arms. I told you it was weird! I seriously don't know what was going on.....I was completely miserable.

I thought to myself, "This is ridiculous! Stop worrying about things that haven't even happened!! Stop grieving the loss of a child who is alive and well for heaven's sake! I seriously wonder if I would make it through something like that! When you love a child with your whole soul, and every cell of your body, your heart, and your energy have been invested in them.....how do you possibly go on?

Wow! I hope you all don't think I've gone crazy......unless I really have, which in that case....notify the authorities and get me some help!!!

I really think what I went through last week was a combination of hormones, and a release of pent up emotion and negative energy I really needed to get out of my system!! It was a very strange and emotional ride for me. In the end it made me so grateful for my reality. My girls are very much alive!! They are healthy and there is really no room for fear.....not here!

Who knows what I may be required to face and endure! The Lord knows....and that is good enough for me. I know He will help me through all things.

Vic Jackson, who is Lucy's father, said (and I am paraphrasing) that when we face our worst fear we may find that our fears were unfounded. It's often not the fear of loss, but more a fear of whether or not we can survive that loss. Once you are in the midst of loss, you find that even though your pain is thick and real...it will someday fade, and you WILL survive!

I have the utmost respect and reverence for any parent who has lost a child, including my in-laws who lost a daughter at just 18 months old. My feelings are VERY tender when it comes to this subject (obviously), and the moral to my week of self inflicted sadness is......love each other....do it fully and unconditionally....and do it now......right now is all we are guaranteed, so don't waste it!