Happy Birthday to Me

Today I complete my 33rd year of life, and I must say that right here in the middle of life; you know....the day to day of things, it often appears to be nothing more than a bunch of squiggly lines and random flecks of color splashed around all messy and out of order.  Thankfully, over the years I have been able to step back from the chaos only to find that all of those lines and flecks actually make up something incredible. A bigger picture that makes perfect sense. 

Of course pain has been present through the years, drumming on my heart with its rapid beat of growth, and yet I have lived moment after beautiful moment wondering how God could possibly be so good to me.

Obviously He knows my heart.

He knows exactly what to do to make my life beautiful and meaningful, and in my constant quest of faith through fear, He has always shown me that He is there with this generous gift of life, and all it has in store.

I love that we celebrate the day we are born!  The beginning of our story, and every chapter along the way!

So many things on my mind

The flu/cold/diarrhea  monster has been holding my family hostage for what feels like months.  Cycle after cycle of torture and harsh treatment has had me working overtime administering Tylenol, Vics, essential oils, echinacea and of course replenishing fluids, cleaning up fluids, wiping boogers, wiping butts, and wiping up messes of all sorts until I have not a single ounce of energy left to take care of anything else......like myself.

This motherhood gig is tough I tell ya!

And yet as I am up all hours of the night consoling the inconsolable and patting their tiny backs while they cough themselves silly, I think of those mothers in other parts of the world, whose homes are no longer standing, who console a different kind of inconsolable and who are fighting a fight I know nothing about.  I pray for them....that sleep will come to their weary eyes and comfort to their hearts.

We all have our challenges and tonight I am so very grateful to have mine.

I'm back......

.....and I feel like I just woke up from a night of no sleep! I look like it too!  The last month or so has been a whirlwind of emotion, change, experience and growth!  I might be exhausted, but I am exhausted and happy!

Previous to my "Blog Fast", I challenged myself to go for 40 days without any sweets.  During that time, I found I really didn't need chocolate as much as I always thought I did.

Blogs, however; are an entirely different craving for me.  I realize that I crave information, connection, creativity, and good writing!  I love learning about other people's lives, interests, aspirations and accomplishments.  Blogs inspire me!  I have missed them.

In their absence though, I have learned that I have a big problem with balance.  Learning to enjoy all things in moderation is a big deal to me, but right now I am not very good at it.  I have also learned that I tend to go unconscious at times, turning to outside sources to avoid fully living my own life.  I am not fully present in every moment.  I realized this, when I was finding myself spending too much time reading, or watching movies when I couldn't turn to the blogs I usually escape to.  Why would I do this?  I don't know!  I have a beautiful life filled with love and purpose and yet I seem to keep myself at a distance from everything I love.  Hmmm....interesting.

I am learning to be more aware of who I am and how I am spending my time.  I am trying not to judge myself....just observe and notice.  During the last 40 days, a lot of wonderful new things have happened.  My life is headed in a new and exciting direction, and I am so grateful to my Father in Heaven for giving me such an abundant and full life!  It's my choice to accept it though.  I think the Lord is offering all of us every good thing we desire.....we just have to ask for it and then make the choice to take it!

I highly recommend sacrificing something you might be holding on to a little too tightly.  Stretch yourself.  Take the time to step back and look at your life and behavior a little more closely.  I promise the Lord will show you the parts that need to be let go of, and the best part, is he will replace those parts with the thing you really want......happiness!

The Christmas Grump!

I was really  grouchy on Christmas day this year!  I just couldn't get into the fun and excitement.  I tried, but my heart was somewhere far away.  I felt like I wanted to burst out bawling and throw myself into bed for the remainder of the day.  I was completely lonely in a house filled with people I love and I felt like there was no one who could understand how I was feeling.

I felt burdened with weird emotions, frustrations, annoyances and hard feelings that I just couldn't shake.  The more I felt them, the angrier I got with myself for feeling so weird and for choosing Christmas day, of all days to throw my inner pity party.  It was a lame party....let me tell ya.

Just the night before I had made a personal commitment to be more grateful for all of the good and "not so good" in my life, and here I was, already feeling sorry for myself and finding it most difficult to be happy on the happiest day of the year!

Tyler dropped me off at home in the afternoon to put the girls down for their naps, and then he quickly returned to his parent's house to play games and hang out with his family!  I was trying my hardest to hold all of my emotions down, just waiting to let them burst after he shut the door, but he paused on his way out to thank me for the Christmas gift I had given him this year (which was very sweet of him), and I couldn't hold it in for another second and burst into tears!  I wouldn't even accept his offer for a hug and just told him to go.

I had a good, hard, deep cry letting out all of my sadness and bitterness.  Sadness and bitterness that had a million origins. I didn't even know all of it existed until then.  When I look back at it, I can see that it had been building up for a long time, little aches and pains in my heart that I didn't really know what to do with, so I'd just grit my teeth and try not to lash out in anger.

After my cry I just sat on the couch thinking about how I was feeling.  Why was everything hurting me like it was?  I still don't know for sure.  What I do know is that sometimes life hurts....it just does.  People are imperfect and we ourselves are imperfect, and sometimes our expectations don't line up with the desires and behavior of others.  People hurt us without even meaning to, and the unfortunate truth is some people are just a little too selfish.  It's all okay though, because we are learning.  We are all in need of repentance and forgiveness and on that day when we celebrated the birth of our Savior, I realized once again, just what he means to me.  How constantly I need him, and how all of the sadness and bitterness he took upon himself, was to allow me the choice to leave it with him, and not have to carry it all on my own.

Truly something to celebrate!

The Great Gratitude Experience

I am on a quest for complete joy and connection in my life, and I've had a brilliant idea!  This is a brilliant idea for MY situation and MY needs, but I think it applies to everyone and I want to share it and invite everyone I know to join in!

I am calling it "The Great Gratitude Experience of 2011", and my goal this new year is to blow my gratitude into a great big epic ball of energy that will heal myself, my family and the whole world!!! 

A little too ambitious?  Perhaps, but I honestly feel that if we can put more focus on giving thanks to God and those around us for what we DO have, amazing transformations can take place in our lives and I am set on proving that to myself in this next year of my life!!

2010 has been a beautiful year for me!  I think I can say I am a better version of myself now, having experienced this year!  I have so much to be grateful for.....we all do, and it serves us a great deal, to look for those things and then actually give thanks for them!

"Do we want our homes to be happy? If we do, let them be the abiding place of prayer, thanksgiving and gratitude"  

~President George Albert Smith 1944  

And who wants a happy home?  Hello.......all of us!

"Gratitude is a Spirit‑filled principle. It opens our minds to a universe permeated with the richness of a living God. Through it, we become spiritually aware of the wonder of the smallest things, which gladden our hearts with their messages of God's love. This grateful awareness heightens our sensitivity to divine direction. When we communicate gratitude, we can be filled with the Spirit and connected to those around us and the Lord. Gratitude inspires happiness and carries divine influence."  

~Bonnie D. Parkin  2007

By being grateful, we become better people, and the beautiful thing is that it opens us up to receive those things we actually are lacking or desperately needing in our lives!

So here is my idea!

1- Buy yourself a journal, or notebook or stack of paper, and the first assignment is to simply write out exactly what you wish your life could look like.  This is your big chance to vent about all of the things that are lacking in your life, but instead of writing about what you don't have just write up a description of the way you want your life to look!  Include the type of person you wish to be as well.

2 - Find yourself a "Gratitude Buddy", someone who wants to participate in this with you.

3 - Everyday at some point write down at least 5 things you are grateful for that day.  

4- When you say your prayers be sure to give thanks to Heavenly Father for the good things you have noticed during your day!

5 - Once a week email or text your list from the week (up to 20 things) to your Gratitude Buddy, and they should email their list to you.  What this does is hopefully create an energy of optimism in your life.  If you want to, you can email your list to a whole group of people!

6 - At the end of the year look at that first page you wrote, about all of the things you hope for, and see how much closer you are to having that life, and to being that person!!

My guess is that it will "surprise you what the Lord has done"! (Count Your Many Blessings)

We don't need to dwell so much on what is lacking in our lives, or how badly we feel things are going, or the ever popular....I'll be happy when....statements! It seems like we spend too much time discussing all of our problems and disappointments with those around us, which isn't always bad, it is good to have friends to lean on and support us through trials, but what if we shifted our focus off of our lack and placed in on our blessings?  I guarantee our desire to complain will go down, and we will be blessed beyond what we think possible!!

"And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more."  ~Doctrine and Covenants 78:19

So are you with me?

Angry Thighs

Have you ever seen a picture of yourself, and thought, "WHO IS THAT?"  

It happened to me on our trip to Oregon.  We were going over some pictures from the beach and I kept thinking, who is that plump lady playing with my children?  When I realized it was me, I felt my heart sink.  I didn't even recognize myself.

During the last few months, my body has packed on a significant amount of extra weight, and I have felt almost powerless to stop it.  It started during my training for the 5K this last summer, and it hasn't slowed down!  It feels like it is on some kind of mission to bust out of every pair of pants and stretch out every sweater I own!  I've done a lot of thinking and analyzing my situation, and it seems as though my body is crying out for my attention.  It seems it is looking for acceptance, patience, love.  All the things I haven't been giving it, and so......it is acting out, it is rebelling, and it is waiting for me to accept it, no matter how big it is!!

In the book, "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay, she talks about different parts of the body and the possible emotions they are holding on to.  One thing that stood out to me was a comment she made about "big, fat, angry thighs filled with childhood resentments."  I had to reread it a few times!  My thighs are one of the places I have always carried extra weight, and the theory is that there are emotions stored in different parts of the body. One of the places anger is stored is in the thighs!  

Yikes!

If this is true, I really feel sorry for my thighs!  They have been carrying around my anger, suffering with the heavy load, which right now.....is heavier than ever!  I don't feel that angry on a conscious level, but it would not surprise me to know that anger is festering deep down inside.  The sad part is that my thighs continue to grow, they are bumping into furniture, knocking down small children, and making a tight fit out of everything.

Growing thighs make me feel panicky, like I'm in a fight I just can't win, and the more I dwell on it, the weaker I become.

The other day, while doing my hair, a scripture came to my mind, so I went and looked it up.  As I read it, I felt the spirit explain to me that I have been battling against my body, when in reality there is only one enemy.  He works night and day to shift the focus off of him, and onto something that is not even the real problem.  My body is not the enemy and just like so many other areas of my life, it is just lacking my love and attention.  In order for it to heal, I must trust it, and treat it with respect.  And if I must battle (and battle we must), the fight should be for my family because that is my job, and everyday it requires my faith and vigilance.  There is no time to compare my angry thighs to any other person's.

And who knows, maybe they won't be so angry when I quit picking on them so much!

Hungry for Sand

For me, the coast is magical, and I think I know the magic my girls felt as they ran barefoot on the beach, dug their tiny fingers in the cool sand and gathered sea shells, sticks and rocks in their tight little fists and bulging pockets.

They ran, skipped, waddled, jumped, twirled, splashed and reveled in the grandeur and magnificence of the world around them.

Rewind to my twentieth birthday. The day I entered a new decade of life, I also boarded a plane and flew to Los Angeles to be a nanny!  It was there where I fell in love with the beach and the wind and the waves!  During that year we lived in Vancouver BC for a short time.  On a day off, we took a day trip to the near by mountains!  We rode a gondola up.....higher and higher until everything was covered in a thick white snow!  The soft white made everything feel slow and quiet.  As we stepped off the gondola, we stepped into a winter wonderland!  Children were bundled in mittens and snow caps.  They laughed and chased each other around on a small ice skating pond.  A horse drawn carriage brimming with rosy cheeked faces trotted through the trees.  There was skiing, sledding, and a beautiful mountain lodge to escape the wintry nip and warm yourself with a huge mug of hot chocolate.  It was a scene from a Norman Rockwell calendar.  Complete perfection.

At the conclusion of our afternoon in the clouds we worked our way back to the valley and ended our day on the beach.  My young heart pounded as I stood face to face with the crashing waves. The cold wind sent my hair whipping out behind me free and wild.  All of us held hands and screamed into ocean, something we often did together.  It was therapeutic, and in the end always turned into laughter.  On that day I felt so small in a big world.  I knew I was small, but I also knew I was an important part of this big picture!!  I felt like the Grinch with a heart that grew and grew until it would burst.  I wasn't a Grinch....just a changed person.   I had a new love for the world I lived in.  That day I grew hungry for sand and waves and trees and mountains and worlds within this world that I had not yet seen.  

A traveler was born.

Our trip to the Oregon coast reawakened this sense of wonder and awe at the creation God offered as our home.  We are lucky.....so lucky.

Our days on the beach were magic.  The warmth and sun and cool breeze in November where so unusual and I took it as a big "I love you" from a generous Father in Heaven.  

As we wandered the small trail away from the shore, Emilee whispered in my ear...."Mama, I'm hungry for sand".  I smiled.

A traveler is born.

October

I've been thinking about it, and I've decided that October is my favorite month of the year.....and it's not because of Halloween, because quite frankly, I'm not that into Halloween.

No, for me it has more to do with the feeling, the color and the memories.

October is the perfect combination of warm and cold and the perfect backdrop for happiness.  You get to wear tights and jewel tones, and you don't have to wear a jacket, but you can.......if you really want to!

I remember a stormy October night 11 years ago.  It was a night of great importance in my young life.....I was going to the Temple in preparation to serve a mission, and more importantly, in preparation for the rest of my life, and all those heartfelt renditions of "I Love to see the Temple.....I'm going there someday" somehow brought me to this October night!  Inside that hallowed building I made promises to God and to myself.  Promises that I was finally ready to make and in so doing, even without noticing it, I was a different person.  It was the most beautiful thing I had experienced and it was huge and important and I felt the warmth that only the spirit can bring.  I realized that there is so much to learn, and even though I caught only a small portion of it on that first visit, I knew it was true and I knew that I was loved and important to my Heavenly Father.
On the way home, dark clouds and cold wind swirled around us, but all the cold in the world couldn't penetrate the warmth I was feeling.

It was good.

This month of October is making me feel reminiscent, and even a little emotional.  A lot of the greatest events in my life have taken place in October.  I think I will write more about them through out the remainder of the month!

Now off to eat some pumpkin chili!

A Good Day

Five years ago today I found myself in my cozy bed in a tiny Orem apartment.  I was tired and didn't feel well.  Lying there in the dark I sensed someone enter my room.  It was Tyler, and he softly whispered for me to get up and get dressed and meet him in the living room!

"Whoa, wait......what time is it?", I thought.  "How did you get into my apartment?"  Everything was a swirl of confusion, sickness, and excitement!  It was a Saturday, and not just any Saturday.  It was General Conference Saturday, and I was excited to sleep in, and lazily lounge around the house listening to words of hope and counsel.

I jumped up and dressed in the dark, tried to comb my hair and met Tyler in the living room!  He seemed nervous and excited.  I couldn't say I was unaware of what was going on.  It was a short time before, that I had finally agreed.  It was time for us to be together forever.  We hurried out to his truck and together we started toward the mountains.  He had a back-pack filled with snacks and had even purchased a radio, so we could listen to the first session of conference together on top of squaw peak.  As I mentioned before, I wasn't feeling well, so it didn't take long before I broke down!  I felt horrible.  I knew he had put a lot of thought into his plan and I knew it would all be wonderful, but I just couldn't do it!  The work of hiking and climbing and straining and sweating was more than I could take considering the nausea and headache.  I sobbed, not because of how I was feeling physically, but because of  how I was feeling inside.  The last thing I wanted to do was ruin this important day.

Together we sat on the side of the trail and he held me while I cried.  We went back to the truck and he drove me home.  I remember he was so sweet and so understanding.  The truth was, it didn't matter where it happened.  After our long and emotional journey to this point, it just felt good to have our focus on eternity.

We watched conference together.  I don't really remember all of the details of the day, but I do remember that sometime after 4:00 p.m. we took a drive up Provo canyon and basked in the beauty of a changing season, both literally and figuratively.  This is my favorite time of year and there is nothing like being surrounded by the warmth of Fall kissed mountains!  I was in heaven!

We arrived at Sundance.  We found a place to pull off the road and together we walked up into the trees.  Tyler was nervous and knelt down in the leaves.  A car pulled up a few yards away disturbing our  peace and he quickly jumped to his feet.  We quietly waited until they drove away.  Again he knelt down and took my hands.  He began to speak his emotional request, when quite unexpectedly a man came bursting through the bushes  just a few feet away!  Again Tyler jumped to his feet!  We were both startled and quite surprised and laughed at the timing of the interruptions.  The whole thing was kind of rushed, because Tyler had to be back by 6:00 p.m. for the Priesthood session.

Finally after much distraction and interruption, he asked me the question......and I said YES!

I know his plans for that day included something a little more beautiful and meaningful than what actually transpired, but there is a spot....a beautiful and sacred spot in the golden trees of Sundance where our lives changed, and the days that have passed from that day to this, have brought us more joy and growth than I could have ever hoped for as I stood in that spot.

Today, my heart is filled and bursting with gratitude for a man who has been willing so often to stop on the side of the trail and hold me while I struggle through our journey together.  He has been willing to make alternate plans......plans that have sometimes been different than the original, but more beautiful than either of us could have ever hoped!                                                                                                                                                                                                          

Crisp, Cool, Warm and Fuzzy

Summer swept through quietly, rosy cheeked and happy! Somehow we only managed one pool party on the lawn. It's kind of sad and very disappointing for my little Em, but we did manage a few sprinkler runs and camping trips. It has been a good summer.

For weeks now I have been waiting for the first of September to drop my cinnamon apple into the Scentsy warmer. For me part of the appeal of Fall is the smell of Fall. I love the warm pumpkin breads and apple cobblers. The homey aroma of clove, cinnamon and nutmeg! I LOVE Autumn. The colors are glorious, fiery and warm.

It's so lovely walking under the warm sun with the crisp cool air on your face. For me this approaching season conjures up everything cozy and nostalgic. It signifies the "getting back to business" time of year, with schools back in session and summer laziness all wrapped up in a pretty package and placed back up on the shelf. The exciting part is that another pretty package gets to come down. I look forward to the sweaters and socks again, and the familiar smell and warmth of our little wood burning stove.

I only wish this time of year lingered a little longer!

The lady around the corner

Around the corner from my Parents, lives a saint of a woman. She is the sweetest of sweet and as thoughtful as they come. Nearly every family occasion we have, finds her there, like a devoted aunt or cousin, offering help, treats, and a heartwarming compliment or word of encouragement.

She is from Holland, and she speaks with a slight accent.....you know, the accent where the "th" is pronounced more like a "d".

I love this lady around the corner.

She rides around town on a pretty bike with a basket out front. She cheerfully waves as you pass with her enormous dog on a leash and her basket filled with bags from the local grocery.

She is a little bit of Europe and I love a little bit of Europe.

I can't really pin her appeal to anything as silly as a pretty bike with a basket, though they do add to her charm. The real reason she is exceptional in my eyes is her apparent quest for Charity: the pure love of Christ. I am not a part of her inner circle. I do not know her daily struggles, but I do know she handles people with care and sincerity. She has a gift for looking at you and seeing who you REALLY are, not just your silliness and imperfection. Trust me, everyone needs a neighbor like this.

I must admit.....I do want a pretty bike of my own. I want to ride the country roads of my new home town. I want to scatter sunshine, and cheer. I want to handle people with care and sincerity, and most of all, I want to be gifted with Charity, and I want to share it with everybody.

Just like the lady around the corner!

This beautiful photograph is taken from one of my favorite websites Hello My Name is Heather!

This Gorgeous Life

We travel into the city, or "up north", as it is referred to here, about once a month. We usually stay with my family in Springville and hit up Costco, Wal-mart, and any other necessary stops.

It tends to be rushed and filled with the constant predicament of wanting to relax and enjoy family and friends and the need to get all of our errands done before heading back out to the desert.

I love it, and I hate it.

It's a price that we pay living way out in the unknown lands of the west. People think we are crazy, but.....we love it out here. I guess you could say, it is a price we are willing to pay. Besides Tyler and I haven't gone to rehab for our fast food addiction yet, so if it wasn't for our extremely remote location, we'd both weigh 300 lbs.

All that aside, I want to let you in on a little part of why I love Tyler. First of all, he loves his girls. I've mentioned that before, but I don't think you really get it. I mean he really REALLY adores them, and he wants to give them experiences that make them happy. Experiences that give them fond childhood memories. And I love him for that!


Last time we went to town we found a nice spot to stop on our way home. We pulled out our diaper boxes to use as tables, dug through our coolers and pulled out the hot dogs. Our hero daddy built us a fire, and hovered over the open flame roasting hot dogs for his hungry family. Emilee ran wild in the open air. She jumped up and down waiting to eat her hot dog, and then smiled like crazy while she smeared ketchup everywhere! Adeline cooed in the fresh air, and my heart swelled with love and contentment as I observed my little family.


This last trip was long and tiring. I built a cake, there was a wedding, Tyler rafted a river, we shopped and shopped and then finally late Saturday afternoon we set off for home. We were pooped....all of us. As we approached Delta, Tyler mentioned something about an ice cream cone, but I was in no mood to haul the babies out of their slumber, and away from the cool car in order to watch them smear ice cream all over kingdom come. No thank you!!

But, just as my sweet Tyler was about to move on, I had a change of heart......Yes!, I cried out......let's do it! Let's live our lives......let's eat ice cream! He smiled and circled back into the parking lot of the Delta Freeze. Once again our hero daddy saved the day. He reminded mommy that even though life makes us tired, it is still our life.......the only one we have. Today will never come again.



Thank you my love, for showing our girls that it is okay to have fun!!!

Love you a million x a million!

Swifter, Higher, Stronger

Several times in the last two years, I have taken a long long look at the beauty that surrounds me! I feel a great sense of gratitude and peace when I contemplate my life and all that it has become, but there are also moments where I wonder what I have gotten myself into. Let's be honest.....being a mom is hard.

Motherhood is a race that I am winning time and time again. By winning, I don't mean that it is always accomplished gracefully or that it is even how I intend it to be....I mean that at the end of the day, be it long and tiring, or filled with light and happiness, I get to stand on the winner's platform with my hard earned metal proudly resting near my heart. I get to close my eyes and hear the anthem of my home play in the laughter of my children. These kinds of metals are hard earned....they are fought for in the battles of daily life. Motherhood is far more magnificent than we realize.

It is heart breaking and heart building.

Making it through another day of messes, whining, near choking disasters, spills, crying, messes, short naps, teething, sticky fingers, bad dreams, messes, tantrums etc......makes me a winner! We can't hang our heads in shame when we come out of it with our heart's still in tact and our homes still standing. We get to create lives, mold lives.....and sometimes even save lives!

We are hero's.....all of us.

Tomorrow will be another starting line....another stretch....another wait for another chance.....another win.

Spoiler Alert

I've been thinking a lot about my behavior as a mother. I've been pondering and wondering about the whole idea of "spoiling" a child.

When my sister's baby girl was born, she brought her out to the desert(where I live),and for a couple of days I got to hold her and love her and breath in her glorious freshness. She was perfect and so dependent on those of us who adored her and held her fragile, little roly-poly body.

One of our well meaning relatives kept saying we needed to stop holding her so much. We were warned that holding her all of the time was spoiling her, and soon she would expect to be held all of the time!

Something about that didn't settle well with me. I couldn't figure it out. I had heard things like that all of my life, and for the most part, I agreed. Nobody likes a "spoiled child", and I certainly didn't want my precious niece labeled in that way, but, somewhere inside of myself I knew that there was no way to "spoil" a child with love. It just wasn't possible.

In order to spoil, or ruin a person I think neglect has to be involved. If we are neglecting our responsibility to teach our children morals, manners, boundaries, rules, common sense....things like that, then we are spoiling them.

In our home we bounce on beds, jump on couches, take long abundant bubble baths! We make big messes! We sing and play and make lots of noise. Treats are handed out almost daily! Silly, frivolous requests are granted. Baby cheeks are kissed until they are chappy and because of this.....happiness abounds!

To those gasping in horror, I do recognize that there is a balance required. I am teaching Emilee that while we may jump on couches at home, grandma or the neighbor may not allow the same behavior and that must always be respected. Sometimes I fear we don't realize how capable they are of learning the difference. They ARE children, so of course they will test boundaries, but that is where the teaching comes in. When I consider giving my girls something, or allowing a certain behavior I try to weigh whether or not it will really harm them, if not, then I usually allow it. I am learning when to say no.....and trying a lot harder to say yes!

Life is an opportunity to experience things.....why limit the experiences just because we don't want children to demand or expect more of them? Besides, I don't see anything wrong with expecting the things we want out of life!!

When I think about the generosity of my Heavenly Father, I realize that giving our children things that make them happy is a good thing! He knows all about my favorite things and has given me many great opportunities that mean a lot to me and enrich my life! Because of this, I feel taken care of and loved.....I trust him to care and listen and grant me my righteous and sometimes even frivolous desires. His generosity brings great happiness and contentment to my life and my spirit!

These are just MY thoughts.....every mother gets the opportunity to chose the way they will mother their children. I just don't want to promote the idea that creating happiness and love, is spoiling a child. As long as giving is accompanied with teaching we are enriching children....not spoiling them.

I love this quote by Marjorie Hinkley:

"My mother taught me some basic philosophies of rearing children. One is that you have to trust children. I tried hard never to say "no" if I could possibly say "yes." I think that worked well because it gave my children the feeling that I trusted them and they were responsible to do the best they could."

As the cliche goes....Life is short! Don't spoil your children....enrich them! Just say YES!

What's love got to do with it?

We have all heard the old Tina Turner song, "What's love got to do with it". (If not, you can check out the lyrics HERE) It's super sad to think that a lot of people share her sentiments.

I remember when I was in the second grade I had a big ol'crush on Mack Reinwand. Not only was he the cutest boy in class, but also my next door neighbor!

When February came around we made little mailboxes and were instructed by our teacher, Mrs. Wilcox, to write notes to our friends and leave them in their boxes! This was all leading up to the big day.....Valentines day!

I had worked hard for months, acting aloof and completely unfazed by Mack with his blond hair and blue eyes. Being shy, I wasn't about to send him a note.....nuh uh....noooo way.

And then it happened!

There in my box was a note, perfectly folded, with my name written in his perfect second grade penmanship. I opened it and found, to my astonishment, words of unrequited love. Mack had a crush on me too!

Oh my goodness! I was elated, and horrified! Being 7 years old, and painfully shy around boys....I had absolutely no idea what to do! The thing I remember most though, was the wonderful feeling of being loved (or at least liked) by someone I loved (or at least liked)! It felt amazing!

Yes love has a romantic connotation, but love is so much more than romance! Love is a super power! If you possess it in it's truest form, or any form for that matter, you are a better person for it.

I have been learning how to love for 31 1/2 years now, and I think in some miraculous way, I'm starting to get the hang of it. I am having to overcome some obstacles, and learn through some handicaps, just like we all do, but I promise you that a huge part of our purpose and existence here is simply....to love.

Our Savior is the real "love guru". He knows how to heal hearts, and mend fences. He is patient and long suffering. He is quick to forgive and never holds a grudge. With all of my heart I want to be like Him!

When Tyler and I were dating, I began to realize that love is so much more than butterflies in your stomach and long stemmed roses...love is goodness. Love is a heart that is true. Love is recognizing your mistakes and giving them up. It is fighting for what you believe in. Love is having faith in things you cannot see yet.

Tyler...you have helped heal my life and turn it into something beautiful...and love has had EVERYTHING to do with it!

What would I do without You?

This last week has been hard for me. So HARD. I was going along just fine when all at once I stumbled upon THIS BLOG and began living my worst fear! This makes it sound like I ran into a horrible blog.....but that is not so. This blog is beautiful, and inspiring, but unfortunately, about a family who lost their sweet little daughter a couple of years ago. She was the exact age Emilee is now when they lost her. She was taken so unexpectedly on a beautiful spring day, when she choked on an apple of all things!

As I read the story, and followed their journey of healing and survival, something happened to my heart! It broke into a million gazillion little pieces. I have never been through anything like this! I felt as though I was reading about the loss of my own two year old daughter. So many things about little Lucy echoed the personality and traits of Emilee. Her love of dancing, her energy, her light, her golden locks, and big eyes.

I was haunted.

Since the day of Emilee's birth, I have worried about losing her, and now Adeline as well. I sometimes think my concerns are a little on the unhealthy side, and I have really tried to put my trust in the Lord, and turn my fear into faith. It is something I have no control over......and yet I worry!

All week I was in mourning....mourning the "what if". Seeing Emilee playing and going about her day felt like nothing more than memories going through my mind. I would bawl and miss her.....even though she was right there in my arms. I told you it was weird! I seriously don't know what was going on.....I was completely miserable.

I thought to myself, "This is ridiculous! Stop worrying about things that haven't even happened!! Stop grieving the loss of a child who is alive and well for heaven's sake! I seriously wonder if I would make it through something like that! When you love a child with your whole soul, and every cell of your body, your heart, and your energy have been invested in them.....how do you possibly go on?

Wow! I hope you all don't think I've gone crazy......unless I really have, which in that case....notify the authorities and get me some help!!!

I really think what I went through last week was a combination of hormones, and a release of pent up emotion and negative energy I really needed to get out of my system!! It was a very strange and emotional ride for me. In the end it made me so grateful for my reality. My girls are very much alive!! They are healthy and there is really no room for fear.....not here!

Who knows what I may be required to face and endure! The Lord knows....and that is good enough for me. I know He will help me through all things.

Vic Jackson, who is Lucy's father, said (and I am paraphrasing) that when we face our worst fear we may find that our fears were unfounded. It's often not the fear of loss, but more a fear of whether or not we can survive that loss. Once you are in the midst of loss, you find that even though your pain is thick and real...it will someday fade, and you WILL survive!

I have the utmost respect and reverence for any parent who has lost a child, including my in-laws who lost a daughter at just 18 months old. My feelings are VERY tender when it comes to this subject (obviously), and the moral to my week of self inflicted sadness is......love each other....do it fully and unconditionally....and do it now......right now is all we are guaranteed, so don't waste it!

Triumphant

Let me share an interesting tidbit of personal information. I have really struggled in my life to do anything hard!

I am certain when I got married back in December of 2005, a self inflicted boundary of difficulty was finally crossed. You see, getting married was a very, very hard step for me! As a little girl and a teenage girl I wasn't aware of my deep lurking fear of marriage. To this day, I'm not entirely sure why I was so afraid of something I really wanted and needed in my life. When Tyler and I were dating, I dreaded the mention of marriage, and it wasn't only with him.....if I dated anyone who seemed interested in marrying me, I would turn ill. Literally.

I would stew and fret, and my stomach would get all tied up in knots. I would have feverish dreams of being married to someone and not be happy about it, and feel trapped and overwhelmed and miserable. I think it came down to trust issues as well as worrying to much about all of the "what if's".

Tyler and I talked about marriage for a long time and to quote myself "I just couldn't do it"!

I was most miserable....loving Tyler and not wanting to lose him, but feeling crippled by my fears and thus stuck in a very sad place.

Not long before I took the plunge, Tyler was talking with his bishop about our predicament. His loving and inspired bishop said that if we know marriage is good and even the right thing for us, we should do it. There are special blessings we receive when we obey this commandment, and then he promised Tyler that someday my fears would go away and would be replaced with love.

Somehow that promise set me free!! Though I was still unsure in many ways, I knew that it was the right thing and I tried so hard to put my trust in the Lord.

On December 17, 2005 with knots in my stomach and a shaky faith, I knelt across the altar in the Salt Lake Temple and made promises to stick with Tyler for eternity!! I was happy....and terrified, but I did it!!!!

Victory!

Victory over my fears. Victory over the nay-sayers. Victory over opposition. Victory over myself!

Now, four years later, my fears of marriage are completely gone and my heart is full of love.

I am teaching myself that hard things are completely possible for me!! I am working on the weakest parts of myself now. Baby steps.

I am a mother now....hard. I am trying to be a good housekeeper.....hard. I am trying not to misjudge people....hard. I am trying to start good habits and get rid of the bad...hard. I am trying not to be so hard on myself....hard.

The point of all this is that I am not so afraid of hard things anymore. I know I can do anything....anything! It feels good.

A Favorite Quote

I met Elder Maxwell once. I stood face to face with him. I shook his hand and looked into his exceptional blue eyes! I don't recall anything that was said, but as with all great moments in life, I remember the feeling....Peace, and goodness. That is the best way I can describe it!

The following is one of my favorite quotes/reminders and it comes from none other than Neil A. Maxwell:

"And, if you sense that one day every knee shall bow and every tongue shall confess that Jesus Christ is the Lord, why not do so now? For in the coming of that collective confession, it will mean much less to kneel down when it is no longer possible to stand up!"

To read the entire talk go here!

The Tiny Babe

I've been thinking a lot about Jesus. How He came into the world the same way we all do, as an infant. An incredible being in a small incapable body. He had to grow into his greatness!

I find hope in this simple observation.

We are all incredible beings, children of God. We all grow, but unlike The Savior, we do not always realize our greatest potential.

Because He came into this world and became who He was meant to be, we CAN do likewise! We can make mistakes and still have hope! We can change for the better!

The happiness that comes from this knowledge is huge!

I Love Christmas

But even more...I love the Man whose birth we celebrate!