I'm back......

.....and I feel like I just woke up from a night of no sleep! I look like it too!  The last month or so has been a whirlwind of emotion, change, experience and growth!  I might be exhausted, but I am exhausted and happy!

Previous to my "Blog Fast", I challenged myself to go for 40 days without any sweets.  During that time, I found I really didn't need chocolate as much as I always thought I did.

Blogs, however; are an entirely different craving for me.  I realize that I crave information, connection, creativity, and good writing!  I love learning about other people's lives, interests, aspirations and accomplishments.  Blogs inspire me!  I have missed them.

In their absence though, I have learned that I have a big problem with balance.  Learning to enjoy all things in moderation is a big deal to me, but right now I am not very good at it.  I have also learned that I tend to go unconscious at times, turning to outside sources to avoid fully living my own life.  I am not fully present in every moment.  I realized this, when I was finding myself spending too much time reading, or watching movies when I couldn't turn to the blogs I usually escape to.  Why would I do this?  I don't know!  I have a beautiful life filled with love and purpose and yet I seem to keep myself at a distance from everything I love.  Hmmm....interesting.

I am learning to be more aware of who I am and how I am spending my time.  I am trying not to judge myself....just observe and notice.  During the last 40 days, a lot of wonderful new things have happened.  My life is headed in a new and exciting direction, and I am so grateful to my Father in Heaven for giving me such an abundant and full life!  It's my choice to accept it though.  I think the Lord is offering all of us every good thing we desire.....we just have to ask for it and then make the choice to take it!

I highly recommend sacrificing something you might be holding on to a little too tightly.  Stretch yourself.  Take the time to step back and look at your life and behavior a little more closely.  I promise the Lord will show you the parts that need to be let go of, and the best part, is he will replace those parts with the thing you really want......happiness!

Dreams by Firelight

A couple of weeks ago Tyler and I made a decision.  Move out the couch and move in the treadmill!  We thought it was a good idea...until we wanted to sit down! 

Our living room is small and doesn't really accommodate a couch and a treadmill, so....we moved in our bed!!

After celebrating the "New York" new year (10:00 p.m MST) with Royce, Lupe, Adolfo and Blake, we brought our girlies home and put them to bed, then......we heaved and pushed and pulled our awkwardly heavy dead weight mattress through our hall and into the living room, where we ushered in the real new year (12:00 a.m. MST) with a movie, cheese and crackers, sangria and our cozy bed!  Hooray for the new year!

Originally the "move" was just for New Year's eve, but it ended up staying until yesterday, and it was fun having a living room with a bed and a treadmill.  It made me feel like a young newly wed, or a college kid, or like I was living in a tiny studio apartment in New York City!

By day my girls and I would snuggle and eat popcorn and watch movies and color and read stories and jump and dance and by night Tyler and I would sleep by the flicker of our warm cozy fire!

This first week of the new year was fun and spontaneous and different, I like to think it is a precursor to what lies ahead for us this year!

Throughout the week I sat on our bed and recorded my hopes and dreams for the year, and I started my gratitude journal which has already brought a spirit of excitement and awareness into my life.

Eventually the bed needed to go back to the bedroom....where I guess it belongs, because now it's time to get down to business and make all of those hopes and dreams come true!

Little Ballerina

I think I have found my new mantra!

"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

*George Eliot*

Sometimes I wonder why I didn't become a dancer?  I love to dance.  When I was a little girl, I used to pretend I was a ballerina. I would move my tiny arms in graceful movements. I would dip and twirl and daintily prance around the house.

Then I grew up, and I used to live for the weekend institute dances! The music was a call I could not ignore and the dance floor was my stage.  No one was watching, and it wasn't about attention.  It was about expression and it felt so good to move, and laugh, and live it up!!
 Now I hesitate to move my body that way and I can't quite figure it out.  I think it might be due to the extra pounds weighing me down.  It could be that I don't feel like myself anymore, and because of the embarrassment I feel for my bigger body, I've allowed areas of my heart and soul to wither away.  Parts that used to make me happy!

There are other things too, like...
Why didn't I ever try out for a play in high school, or stick with violin, or flute or guitar?  Why didn't I ever tell certain boys that I "liked" them?

Why wasn't I more generous, kind, outgoing and adventurous?  What could my life have been like?  What would I be like now?

I've wondered that from time to time.

I can't imagine God placing time limits and expiration dates on His dreams and goals.  Who knows how "old" he was when he created you.....or me.  I'm pretty sure he doesn't place limits on ours either.  That is usually our own doing.

I know this little ballerina is somewhere inside of me, even now.  And when I've found the love inside that doesn't judge my size, shape, age and limitations...

...I hope she'll dance again!

Becoming a Queen

In recent months, I have been fascinated with the idea of becoming. By that, I mean the idea of changing and evolving into my full potential. Into something greater than I currently am.

I have felt a need to find out what I am really doing here. It is my belief that we came from another existence where we were given a choice to come to earth. I believe that promises were made there and assignments were given. We interacted with God. I believe we are His children, and as His children we hold divinity that is beyond our comprehension. Being here on earth is part of a grand plan, the purpose of which, is to unite all of us as one eternal family and allow us the choice to return to our Father in Heaven. I have lived my entire life with these understandings, but I realize that just knowing something doesn’t mean I am really living up to my potential and purpose.

What is it then, that must be done for me to become who and what I am meant to be? Is it more about changing myself, or is it more about remembering myself? Most likely some of both.

Because these things have been on my mind a lot lately, it feels like I am at the beginning of my journey, but if I look back at my life thus far, I find that I have been on the journey all along. Becoming is simply about choices. Every choice we make sends us down the path of becoming. The question is what am I becoming?

Am I on the path to my full potential? Or am I wandering around, lost, confused, and focused on things that are nothing more than distractions.

I want to become who I am supposed to be. That is what I have decided for myself, and hopefully my choices will reflect that more often than not. Fulfilling my purpose is a very personal and sacred path, but I am all about working together to make things happen, and I’d like to include anyone and everyone who would like to help. In return I’d like to help anyone I can.

Because of all of this I have started a new blog Becoming a Queen. Through this blog I am going to share what I feel are crucial elements in this process. My hope is that others will help and contribute. I would love to interview others who are on this same quest, and who may have insight that will help me on my journey. I am excited to learn and...become.

Messy

Am I a messy person? I don't know. It feels like it most of the time.

I don't like that feeling.

When we were young, Amber's side of our room was always so neat and tidy, her bed made to perfection. I recall her disgust with her messy older sister whose clothes were dropped here and draped there and piles of stuff, books, important papers, and sentimental items covered nearly every surface....I guess I can't really blame her.

Clutter is so unhealthy. I'm serious! Studies have been done.......there is proof. I try to clean things up....I try, but I'm not like my mother or my sister. Within the day of a good cleaning, piles are forming and clothes are draped and dropped. I must say, it drives me crazy! It makes me sad. I am so easily distracted by books and blogs, creative ideas, projects, cuddles, kisses, delicious food and good conversation. Chasing messes all day is too much, it distracts me from my distractions.

They say that cleanliness is next to godliness...............*long sigh*...........I want to be next to godliness. I do.

Sometimes I wonder if my outward mess is just evidence of cluttered surfaces on the inside. If that is the case, perhaps I just need to clean off those surfaces and then all of the physical ones will stay clean too.....finally. Perhaps there will then be enough of me to chase messes AND do the things I love.

Prayer, fasting, meditation, study, self reflection, energy clearing, focus, humility and the power of Christ's atonement. It sounds so simple. The solutions do exist. I am lucky, no, blessed to know what I know......it doesn't make it easy though.

Heavenly Father loves messy people, fortunately for me. My beautiful babies love their messy mama, and my Tyler loves his messy Michelle. They give me permission to love my mess......and I guess I do. My mess is glorious. It is mine to sort through and purge......and eventually let go of for good.

Some day I will be completely clean. My heart and my home.

Until then, please forgive my mess.

Good Morning Sunshine

Most mornings Tyler gets out of bed first. When the morning cry sounds from the room across the hall, he's the one to rescue our little ladies from their slumber, and whisk them off for some sweet daddy-daughter time before work, which means I usually get to steal a few more minutes of sleep!

Mornings are not my thing.

Before marrying me, Tyler had grand visions of us arising early, me at the stove, preparing a warm breakfast to send him on his way, my face all aglow with love and the warmth of the rising sun.

Boy, did I ever disappoint.

Most mornings you'll find me tossing in our bed, inwardly screaming...nooooooooo! I can't go on!

It is sad....so very, very sad.

I'll admit I had grand visions too! I've always wanted to be a morning person, but I struggle.

I love the comfort of my comforter. I adore the sweetness of my sheets. I long to linger on my pillow. To go on, or not to go on......that is always the question!

This is just another area where I need to change. Uggg! You know that old adage....early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise? Well, I really don't want to be left out of all that sweet action!! Health? Wealth? Wisdom? Yes please!!!

Oh the price! Can I afford it?

Hmmmmm..........it looks like it's time to stop spending my energy account on late night netflix, because, darn it all........It really is leaving me broke in the morning.

Color Splash

I am longing for spring! We caught a short glimpse of it during this last week, but woke up to a few inches of snow again this morning!

Bummer.

I know it will return soon though, and I am anxiously looking forward to the leisurely walks with my babies, and camp-outs on the lawn. I'm dreaming of lazy afternoon picnics and warm starlit nights.

I have a gazillion projects up my sleeve that I am itching to start and hope for a few consecutive days of warmth so I can work on them outside!

A couple of weeks ago, I enjoyed a long ride with my Mother-in-law and three of my Sisters-in-law! We were traveling up for another sister's bridal shower, and the trip was filled with the most inspiring and uplifting conversation! It is so easy for me to fall back into my ruts....those ruts I have worn into my soul through years of laziness and bad habits. Even when I feel inspired to improve and change, I always seem to fall back into my rut. But on this day, we talked and discussed and validated each other in that wonderful way only women can do for each other. It was beautiful and meaningful and I really really appreciate and love the family I have married into!

My Mother-in-law made a suggestion to solve one of my problems. She suggested that I keep my kitchen table set with dishes all of the time. I should always have it ready to use for a meal, that way it will be so much harder to cover it up with mail, paperwork, coats, diaper bags, this, that and the other....pretty much rendering it useless for what it was intended for.....meals with family!

I loved her idea, and while I was at Wal-Mart, I found these cheap, but darling plastic dishes that were just perfect, so....I bought them, and yes, they have made all the difference. Not only have they added a splash of color, but a feeling of order....a much needed order. And they have lifted me out of my rut!