I think I can....

When am I going to get it all together? 

I have been trying for my whole lifetime to make the basic things like, exercise, vitamins, prayer, scripture study, going to bed early and rising early, and keeping a clean home into habits and it feels like as soon as I get one going pretty consistently all of the others fall apart.

I'm not looking for perfection, just consistency.  I want to be able to count on myself to do what I say I am going to do....you know? 

I have a short attention span and a slow body, which is a strange combination, because my mind is busy and bustling with ideas and movement, and yet my body lags behind...way behind.  All of the fire inside only appears to be a tiny smolder when observing my daily accomplishments.

I am inpatient with how slow progression can be.  I want to be my best now!

I know I have plenty of emotional weaknesses in the mix, but today I am feeling fully aware of my physical limitations.  I want to be strong, fit, and energetic.....and yet I don't feel like I have the energy to make it happen.  I guess this is when I hit my knees and then do the best I can.  Somehow the Lord always gives me the strength to do what I don't think I can.

So many things on my mind

The flu/cold/diarrhea  monster has been holding my family hostage for what feels like months.  Cycle after cycle of torture and harsh treatment has had me working overtime administering Tylenol, Vics, essential oils, echinacea and of course replenishing fluids, cleaning up fluids, wiping boogers, wiping butts, and wiping up messes of all sorts until I have not a single ounce of energy left to take care of anything else......like myself.

This motherhood gig is tough I tell ya!

And yet as I am up all hours of the night consoling the inconsolable and patting their tiny backs while they cough themselves silly, I think of those mothers in other parts of the world, whose homes are no longer standing, who console a different kind of inconsolable and who are fighting a fight I know nothing about.  I pray for them....that sleep will come to their weary eyes and comfort to their hearts.

We all have our challenges and tonight I am so very grateful to have mine.

A Good Day

Five years ago today I found myself in my cozy bed in a tiny Orem apartment.  I was tired and didn't feel well.  Lying there in the dark I sensed someone enter my room.  It was Tyler, and he softly whispered for me to get up and get dressed and meet him in the living room!

"Whoa, wait......what time is it?", I thought.  "How did you get into my apartment?"  Everything was a swirl of confusion, sickness, and excitement!  It was a Saturday, and not just any Saturday.  It was General Conference Saturday, and I was excited to sleep in, and lazily lounge around the house listening to words of hope and counsel.

I jumped up and dressed in the dark, tried to comb my hair and met Tyler in the living room!  He seemed nervous and excited.  I couldn't say I was unaware of what was going on.  It was a short time before, that I had finally agreed.  It was time for us to be together forever.  We hurried out to his truck and together we started toward the mountains.  He had a back-pack filled with snacks and had even purchased a radio, so we could listen to the first session of conference together on top of squaw peak.  As I mentioned before, I wasn't feeling well, so it didn't take long before I broke down!  I felt horrible.  I knew he had put a lot of thought into his plan and I knew it would all be wonderful, but I just couldn't do it!  The work of hiking and climbing and straining and sweating was more than I could take considering the nausea and headache.  I sobbed, not because of how I was feeling physically, but because of  how I was feeling inside.  The last thing I wanted to do was ruin this important day.

Together we sat on the side of the trail and he held me while I cried.  We went back to the truck and he drove me home.  I remember he was so sweet and so understanding.  The truth was, it didn't matter where it happened.  After our long and emotional journey to this point, it just felt good to have our focus on eternity.

We watched conference together.  I don't really remember all of the details of the day, but I do remember that sometime after 4:00 p.m. we took a drive up Provo canyon and basked in the beauty of a changing season, both literally and figuratively.  This is my favorite time of year and there is nothing like being surrounded by the warmth of Fall kissed mountains!  I was in heaven!

We arrived at Sundance.  We found a place to pull off the road and together we walked up into the trees.  Tyler was nervous and knelt down in the leaves.  A car pulled up a few yards away disturbing our  peace and he quickly jumped to his feet.  We quietly waited until they drove away.  Again he knelt down and took my hands.  He began to speak his emotional request, when quite unexpectedly a man came bursting through the bushes  just a few feet away!  Again Tyler jumped to his feet!  We were both startled and quite surprised and laughed at the timing of the interruptions.  The whole thing was kind of rushed, because Tyler had to be back by 6:00 p.m. for the Priesthood session.

Finally after much distraction and interruption, he asked me the question......and I said YES!

I know his plans for that day included something a little more beautiful and meaningful than what actually transpired, but there is a spot....a beautiful and sacred spot in the golden trees of Sundance where our lives changed, and the days that have passed from that day to this, have brought us more joy and growth than I could have ever hoped for as I stood in that spot.

Today, my heart is filled and bursting with gratitude for a man who has been willing so often to stop on the side of the trail and hold me while I struggle through our journey together.  He has been willing to make alternate plans......plans that have sometimes been different than the original, but more beautiful than either of us could have ever hoped!                                                                                                                                                                                                          

Crisp, Cool, Warm and Fuzzy

Summer swept through quietly, rosy cheeked and happy! Somehow we only managed one pool party on the lawn. It's kind of sad and very disappointing for my little Em, but we did manage a few sprinkler runs and camping trips. It has been a good summer.

For weeks now I have been waiting for the first of September to drop my cinnamon apple into the Scentsy warmer. For me part of the appeal of Fall is the smell of Fall. I love the warm pumpkin breads and apple cobblers. The homey aroma of clove, cinnamon and nutmeg! I LOVE Autumn. The colors are glorious, fiery and warm.

It's so lovely walking under the warm sun with the crisp cool air on your face. For me this approaching season conjures up everything cozy and nostalgic. It signifies the "getting back to business" time of year, with schools back in session and summer laziness all wrapped up in a pretty package and placed back up on the shelf. The exciting part is that another pretty package gets to come down. I look forward to the sweaters and socks again, and the familiar smell and warmth of our little wood burning stove.

I only wish this time of year lingered a little longer!

Let's do this thing!

This is a view of our deck! It needs some serious love and care. Love and care that I have been withholding. Not because I don't feel it, but simply because I have been loving and caring for more important things.

Lucky for our deck, and all those who have ever had to witness our dirty diaper bag hanging next to the front door (nasty), I will finally be turning my attention and affection outside of my home. It will be hard for me to share my heart, but I feel it is important to express myself and my love in all areas of my stewardship. I want our yard and home to be inviting, and I want it to be an expression of who we are.....and we are NOT a bag of dirty diapers blowing in the breeze my friends......we are freshly mowed grass, a flourishing garden, and happy flowers.

Just wait.............you'll see!

Spoiler Alert

I've been thinking a lot about my behavior as a mother. I've been pondering and wondering about the whole idea of "spoiling" a child.

When my sister's baby girl was born, she brought her out to the desert(where I live),and for a couple of days I got to hold her and love her and breath in her glorious freshness. She was perfect and so dependent on those of us who adored her and held her fragile, little roly-poly body.

One of our well meaning relatives kept saying we needed to stop holding her so much. We were warned that holding her all of the time was spoiling her, and soon she would expect to be held all of the time!

Something about that didn't settle well with me. I couldn't figure it out. I had heard things like that all of my life, and for the most part, I agreed. Nobody likes a "spoiled child", and I certainly didn't want my precious niece labeled in that way, but, somewhere inside of myself I knew that there was no way to "spoil" a child with love. It just wasn't possible.

In order to spoil, or ruin a person I think neglect has to be involved. If we are neglecting our responsibility to teach our children morals, manners, boundaries, rules, common sense....things like that, then we are spoiling them.

In our home we bounce on beds, jump on couches, take long abundant bubble baths! We make big messes! We sing and play and make lots of noise. Treats are handed out almost daily! Silly, frivolous requests are granted. Baby cheeks are kissed until they are chappy and because of this.....happiness abounds!

To those gasping in horror, I do recognize that there is a balance required. I am teaching Emilee that while we may jump on couches at home, grandma or the neighbor may not allow the same behavior and that must always be respected. Sometimes I fear we don't realize how capable they are of learning the difference. They ARE children, so of course they will test boundaries, but that is where the teaching comes in. When I consider giving my girls something, or allowing a certain behavior I try to weigh whether or not it will really harm them, if not, then I usually allow it. I am learning when to say no.....and trying a lot harder to say yes!

Life is an opportunity to experience things.....why limit the experiences just because we don't want children to demand or expect more of them? Besides, I don't see anything wrong with expecting the things we want out of life!!

When I think about the generosity of my Heavenly Father, I realize that giving our children things that make them happy is a good thing! He knows all about my favorite things and has given me many great opportunities that mean a lot to me and enrich my life! Because of this, I feel taken care of and loved.....I trust him to care and listen and grant me my righteous and sometimes even frivolous desires. His generosity brings great happiness and contentment to my life and my spirit!

These are just MY thoughts.....every mother gets the opportunity to chose the way they will mother their children. I just don't want to promote the idea that creating happiness and love, is spoiling a child. As long as giving is accompanied with teaching we are enriching children....not spoiling them.

I love this quote by Marjorie Hinkley:

"My mother taught me some basic philosophies of rearing children. One is that you have to trust children. I tried hard never to say "no" if I could possibly say "yes." I think that worked well because it gave my children the feeling that I trusted them and they were responsible to do the best they could."

As the cliche goes....Life is short! Don't spoil your children....enrich them! Just say YES!

I feel lucky

This past week Tyler and I celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary! Our usual tradition has been a getaway in SLC for a couple of nights, long baths in jetted tubs, room service and movies in bed!!

I love our traditional getaway, and I must say, I've really been longing for it.

This year we sent the babies to Grandma's house for a few hours. I came home threw myself on a huge pile of pillows and rolled around whining....explaining that I didn't know what to do to make our special day special. I hadn't planned anything....other than sending the children away.

For dinner I ended up eating hummus and carrots and sharp cheddar on toast. While this meal does include some of my favorites, it just didn't seem like an anniversary worthy meal. You know what I mean?

Tyler and I then sat on the couch and watched Bill Engvall's 15 degrees off cool, which I must say gave me a good laugh, and lifted my mood considerably! We called to check on the kiddos and then spent the rest of our time connecting in a more meaningful way. I love it when my sweetheart holds me in his arms and allows me to whine about my frustrations. I know it sounds lame and pathetic, but it means so much to me to have his loving ear, and understanding heart. I love having his warm hands wrapped around my cold, tired, grouchy body! He is a healing influence in my life. I am often too hard on myself and he patiently tries to lift and encourage me. I wish I had been in a better mood on the day we celebrate our wedding!

Our anniversary wasn't the same as years past, but in some ways it was just what I needed. Time. Time with the man I love, to celebrate our accomplishment! 4 years of progression, love and loyalty!!

I figure if he can love a woman who looks like the picture above (no make-up, etc.) And see the beauty that really matters, I've got a lot to celebrate!

Thank you my love! I look forward to every day with you!

Messy House, Bouncy Chair, Wounded Toe, Brain Damage and a Near Death Experience!

I feel like my house is beginning to resemble a junk yard (not a good thing). There are constantly piles of toys, paper, diapers, dishes and other miscellaneous items to trip on. Oh the insanity! It is time for a serious cleaning.

Yesterday I practically broke my toe (slight exaggeration!!) I laid Adeline down to assist Emilee with something....I don't really remember. Adeline became disgruntled and began to beg for my attention with a loud wail. As I hurried back to her side I caught my toe on her bouncy chair. The same bouncy chair that always seems to be awkwardly under foot!! I hopped around in pain for a second then proceeded to console my heartbroken infant.

Hours later I begin to notice an uncomfortable cramp in my toes! What is wrong with my toes? I wondered. What have I done to my toes? They are killing me!! Oh my goodness my toe is purple...what on earth happened? I complain to Tyler and he asks me if I've hit my toe on anything. Not that I can remember!!

Wow!! What is happening to my memory. I'm only in my 30's for heaven's sake!! I need my mind. I need it to last me another 50 or 60 years. Should I be worried?

Finally, while trying to drift off to sleep sometime late in the night, I remembered what happened to my toe!! I blurt it out randomly in the dark!

Me: I hit it on the bouncy chair...my toe, I stubbed it on the bouncy chair!

Tyler: Oh yeah, I almost killed myself today tripping on that dang bouncy chair.

Me: I'm sorry! ..........I love you.

Tyler: I love you too.

Me: snore.

I think the conversation went something like that, but to be completely honest.....I don't really remember.

Sugar Booger

I often call Emilee and Adeline my sugar babies! I don't know how it started, but it is a term of endearment, and honestly my addiction to their sweetness rivals that of my addiction to chocolate cake donuts.....so it fits.

This week there has been a change, a slight variation if you will. Last night, as I was wiping Addy's nose for the fiftieth time, I called her my little sugar booger! Tyler quickly informed me that any term of endearment involving phlegm, wasn't really that endearing!

Honestly though....we have gone through a gazillion tissues this week, plies of used ones forming on every corner! I'm praying the constant drip will end soon and my babies will be able to breath again!!

Turkey Love

I have to be honest. I haven't really anticipated the annual Thanksgiving Turkey dinner with much excitement over the years. I would actually have been happier with a Thanksgiving Cheeseburger or Thanksgiving ham and cheese sandwich for that matter. Turkey is okay, but I just couldn't figure out what all the hullabaloo was about until this beauty (pictured above) came into my life!

A few years ago Tyler and I discovered a recipe for, in my opinion, the greatest Thanksgiving Turkey known to man! Let's just say it involves butter, sage, bacon and maple syrup, and when done properly can propel you into dimensions unknown!! Tyler is an awesome husband. Period. But, he is also my hero when it comes to culinary feats, and every year he tenderly and patiently works his magic......until voila! Perfection is achieved!!

Oh the juiciness. Oh the smokiness. Oh the maple sweetness! And the gravy, made with the drippings, with just a hint of maple.......oh my goodness!

To some I may be overdoing it with my ode to the perfect turkey, but it feels good to be joining in the anticipation of the time honored tradition! I seriously can't wait!

If you want the recipe, go here.

There is beauty all around....

When there's LOVE at home!

Thank you my love.

No Place Like Home

I love "The Wizard of Oz"!

Growing up, I would always look forward to the annual television broadcast! I would watch in wonder as Dorthy would brave her way through the storm and dreamily sing of a land beyond the rainbow. The story spoke to my childlike imagination, and no child can deny the awesomeness of stepping out of a black and white world, and into a magical land of color!

Though I enjoyed the story and adventure, I didn't really understand the message of the story!

You see, I have had a certain tendency to live somewhere other than the present. For most of my life, I have either been stuck in the past, or anticipating, and sometimes worrying about the future. This has made it really hard for me to enjoy what is actually, presently, going on in my life. I have always felt like I WOULD be happier if this or that had not happened or I WILL be happier when such and such finally happens. This way of thinking left me grasping for happiness "somewhere over the rainbow" so to speak. Fortunately the last couple of years I have learned some important things about this life:

#1 Life is what we make it! We can create the life we desire by focusing our thoughts and energy on what we want. Not on what we don't want. Life is too short to worry so much!! Just be grateful for what you have in this moment and trust that God will provide. It requires faith and a good attitude, but we can create the life of our dreams!

#2 Life is all about love! I am learning that the entire purpose of everything we do in this life is to teach us how to love. It doesn't seem that way when we look around us and see so much contention, judgement, intolerance and defensiveness. We need to remember that there is only one enemy, and he is the antithesis of love. He seeks to destroy relationships, so don't let him convince you that anyone else is an enemy. Let the grudges go, and don't let yourself be offended so easily. Choose to love everyone around you. If we don't learn this....we have entirely missed the boat.

#3 Life should be a constant demonstration of gratitude! The Lord gives us everything we have! Even if we don't have all we desire, we must acknowledge that all we have comes from him! Show gratitude in the way you speak. In the way you treat yourself and others, and show gratitude in the way you take care of the things you have! We often choose to participate in "complaining relationships". We like to one-up each other on how miserable or unfortunate our lives are, or we simply like the pity we receive when we have a lot to complain about. Every time I have joined in this kind of talk, I have walked away feeling empty and down. I have finally realized that I may be offending my generous Father in Heaven by speaking so negatively about my life. A life that he has clearly blessed me with! I am working really hard to break that habit. I want him to know how much I love him and appreciate every gift he gives.

For the record, I haven't perfected any of these, but the point is, I have realized that what I am looking for is right inside of me! I have the power, because of the atonement, to choose what my experience will be. When weakness rears it's familiar head, I can calmly say....tomorrow will be better. I have the hope that it will be.

In the end, when Dorothy discovers that all she ever wanted was hidden in her ordinary life, she longs to go home to the people who love and cherish her. She finally realizes that happiness isn't found anywhere outside of ourselves. I love the message.....There's no place like home!

Magic

I don't know if I really believe in magic. At least not the abra-cadabra kind of magic. I do, however; believe that there is something magical about life. The creating of it and the living of it!

I had an enchanted childhood, due in major part to my huge imagination! There wasn't anything I couldn't create in my mind. Hours of adventure were invented and acted out day after day and I am SO grateful that I was allowed to enjoy the precious years of childhood. I still remember the day I realized that it was time to grow up. Somewhere in my heart, I knew it was no longer appropriate to pretend. How sad. Why is that? Why do we become too old to pretend? Is it because we start to reach an age where we have more power to REALLY create? We have the ability to use our creative power to manifest the actual life we desire! We do have that power you know. Our Heavenly Father has allowed us, through faith and agency, to create the life we desire. How exciting!

I have co-created a warm home, two beautiful children, and a strong, loving, meaningful marriage!

As I step back and take a good look at my life now.....I can still feel the magic!

The Garden

Last year, after moving back from Springville with our new baby girl, we went to work planting our first garden! We were so excited! Home grown tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers, squash etc. The only problem is that I hate weeding!!! Tyler was obviously busy with work, and I was busy with the baby, and for some reason I could not or would not find the time to weed.

Needless to say, by the end of the season there was a 4 foot wall of weeds surrounding our poor little garden! It was embarrassing, and did not represent the kind of order and control I desire in my life. Now, as spring is here and the cold weather is slowly fading away, my dreams of a beautiful garden have returned! For Easter I bought some cute little garden tools for Emilee. Soon, together we will build our garden, only this time we will take good care of it! I will teach her how to dig holes for seeds, how to pull weeds, and how to harvest our crop!! I know she will love it.

Thank goodness for new seasons in our lives and thank goodness for second chances!

Home Sweet Home

This is our home! An old pink house in the desert with chipping paint, broken windows and other various "issues" that might make it less than desirable to most people, but like most things, you can't really judge this little house by the outside. Inside we have made it a comfortable place. I struggle in keeping it as clean and tidy as I would like it to be. That is something I am working on, but it is warm and it is beautiful. This is the home were we brought our first child, and where we will bring our second! This is where we have celebrated anniversaries, birthdays, holidays!

Like the saying goes...home is where your heart is, and for now, my heart is here!

This picture was taken during Adolfo's birthday party a couple of years ago! Royce, Lupe and Adolfo lived in this house at that time. Tyler and I hope to restore the yard to the state they had it. Right now it is a little overrun by weeds! I am excited to make it beautiful!! I have a strong desire to improve and beautify!! Let's just hope it warms up soon.

Garrison

I've been coming to Garrison all of my life. I remember childhood summers spent at grandma and grandpa's house. I looked forward to them more than almost anything! We spent hours with cousins riding horses, rabbit hunting (which made me squeamish), dutch oven dinners, exploring, dress ups, mother-may-I, long walks on dusty roads, bonfires at the lake, hanging out at the Border Inn, Labor Day dancing...I could go on an on! Even now grandma's house is like a childhood memory suspended in time. Very little has changed in her home since I was little. If you visit, you will find her vintage toaster (my favorite) still sitting on the kitchen counter. Glass grapes adorn her coffee table. I love her guest room with the old wall paper, antique dressers and vanity, even down to the glass door knobs.

Just like anything in life, not everything was perfect there, but what's done is done and I am left with a warmth in my heart when I think of my childhood summer's in Garrison.

Now, all these years later Garrison has become my home. Tyler and I decided early in our marriage to move out here and work for the family business. It has been a wonderful and rewarding decision for us! Now we are making more Garrison memories!

Isn't it beautiful! (Photo taken from our deck)