Funny Feet

When I turned 8 years old, my Dad was away at Basic Training somewhere in the Southern United States!  I missed him, and it felt like forever since I had seen him.

We spent most of the summer, while he was gone, in Garrison on my Grandma and Grandpa's ranch!  It was magic!!  Hours and hours spent outdoors, wandering, exploring, and pretending!  Playing with cousins and enjoying the freedom of childhood!

I knew that when I turned 8, it would be time for me to be baptized.  I knew this was a big deal and there was still so much for me to learn and understand about the promises I would soon be making.

I was a happy child on one hand, but I was also a worrier, I felt even at my young age, that I had a lot of things to repent of......dark and serious things.  A lot of it stemmed from fears and emotions related to things I wrote about in THIS POST.  Along with my worries, I also struggled with a lot of insecurity.

I wanted to be baptized by my father, so I waited until he returned, and on a beautiful October day I stood with my Dad, both of us dressed in white.  Now, being a Mother myself, I can imagine the feelings my parents must have felt that day.  I imagine they felt in awe at how fast the years had gone by and how quickly I had grown.

I was recently asked what I remembered about my baptism day.  I know it was a beautiful and important day.  I remember feeling so clean and shiny.  I remember a feeling of sweetness and satisfaction when I was confirmed.  The thing I remember the most though, is how I hid my feet under the pew as I listened to the talks, for fear of someone noticing my funny looking feet!  WHAT?  What 8 year old child is worried about what their feet look like?

I was.

I don't know all of the reasons I felt ugly at such a young age.  It breaks my heart to think of my little self carrying such feelings of guilt, and embarrassment about my body.  I am still trying to work through those issues, all these years later.  The good news is, that on that October day so many years ago, I was touched by the power of the Atonement.  I was given a gift of comfort and companionship, a voice of reason in a dark world.  I knew without a doubt that I was known and loved by an all powerful and very personal Father in Heaven.

I wanted to be wherever that love was.  I wanted to find that place of safety, light, and happiness.

God has been so good to me, because even as I write this, I realize I am there.  I have so much to be grateful for!

Becoming a Queen

In recent months, I have been fascinated with the idea of becoming. By that, I mean the idea of changing and evolving into my full potential. Into something greater than I currently am.

I have felt a need to find out what I am really doing here. It is my belief that we came from another existence where we were given a choice to come to earth. I believe that promises were made there and assignments were given. We interacted with God. I believe we are His children, and as His children we hold divinity that is beyond our comprehension. Being here on earth is part of a grand plan, the purpose of which, is to unite all of us as one eternal family and allow us the choice to return to our Father in Heaven. I have lived my entire life with these understandings, but I realize that just knowing something doesn’t mean I am really living up to my potential and purpose.

What is it then, that must be done for me to become who and what I am meant to be? Is it more about changing myself, or is it more about remembering myself? Most likely some of both.

Because these things have been on my mind a lot lately, it feels like I am at the beginning of my journey, but if I look back at my life thus far, I find that I have been on the journey all along. Becoming is simply about choices. Every choice we make sends us down the path of becoming. The question is what am I becoming?

Am I on the path to my full potential? Or am I wandering around, lost, confused, and focused on things that are nothing more than distractions.

I want to become who I am supposed to be. That is what I have decided for myself, and hopefully my choices will reflect that more often than not. Fulfilling my purpose is a very personal and sacred path, but I am all about working together to make things happen, and I’d like to include anyone and everyone who would like to help. In return I’d like to help anyone I can.

Because of all of this I have started a new blog Becoming a Queen. Through this blog I am going to share what I feel are crucial elements in this process. My hope is that others will help and contribute. I would love to interview others who are on this same quest, and who may have insight that will help me on my journey. I am excited to learn and...become.

Where has the sun gone?

Remember the good ol' days when spring used to come and stay for a while before summer made it's grand entrance and the sidewalks got too hot to walk on with bare feet? Remember those days?

Right now otter pops are just chillin' in the freezer waiting for a hot day so they can come out and refresh us with their sweet goodness. But, it seems the cold and snow are not going down without a fight. Just when you think they are down for the count, they throw out a limp arm and wave off the whistle.

What? No! Not again.......give up already! Geesh!

We've been waiting for a good day, so we can go out and plant our garden and do some yard work without blowing away in the process!

Hmmmm. Maybe tomorrow.

Not Pretty Folks

Am I alone here?

Really....I'm starting to feel like the only one who can't figure out how to function on night after night of 2 or 3 hours of sleep. I know Mothers have been experiencing this for decades....centuries even, but I feel wimpy and handicapped. I feel myself wilting.

It isn't pretty.

Lately it has been a constant line up of sleepless nights. Getting up in the night over and over and over, and with each howling cry of a child in a distant room, sleep scurries off to a dark corner leaving me awake, confused, and disoriented once again. Being pulled out of sleep over and over feels like the worst form of torture. I don't know whether to feel pity for myself or burst out laughing at the insanity of it all!! It feels like one of those tragically funny movies where someone keeps getting hit between the legs or running into doors! You think that sooner or later it will end, but nope.....just another fall, face first in a mud puddle.

The other morning I was so frazzled and exhausted that I yelled at my baby who was crying on the bed. I yelled at her! This poor little adorable girl, with unmet needs got yelled at, simply because I felt tired and couldn't handle one more minute of crying, at least not her crying......because when Tyler came running in, I too burst into tears.

It wasn't pretty.

Thank goodness last night was a little better, and I got a few consecutive hours of uninterrupted sleep! It did help, but unfortunately not enough. The babies are asleep now, which means I need to hit my knees with a plea for rest and then jump directly into bed.

Wish me sleep....I so desperately need it!

Triumphant

Let me share an interesting tidbit of personal information. I have really struggled in my life to do anything hard!

I am certain when I got married back in December of 2005, a self inflicted boundary of difficulty was finally crossed. You see, getting married was a very, very hard step for me! As a little girl and a teenage girl I wasn't aware of my deep lurking fear of marriage. To this day, I'm not entirely sure why I was so afraid of something I really wanted and needed in my life. When Tyler and I were dating, I dreaded the mention of marriage, and it wasn't only with him.....if I dated anyone who seemed interested in marrying me, I would turn ill. Literally.

I would stew and fret, and my stomach would get all tied up in knots. I would have feverish dreams of being married to someone and not be happy about it, and feel trapped and overwhelmed and miserable. I think it came down to trust issues as well as worrying to much about all of the "what if's".

Tyler and I talked about marriage for a long time and to quote myself "I just couldn't do it"!

I was most miserable....loving Tyler and not wanting to lose him, but feeling crippled by my fears and thus stuck in a very sad place.

Not long before I took the plunge, Tyler was talking with his bishop about our predicament. His loving and inspired bishop said that if we know marriage is good and even the right thing for us, we should do it. There are special blessings we receive when we obey this commandment, and then he promised Tyler that someday my fears would go away and would be replaced with love.

Somehow that promise set me free!! Though I was still unsure in many ways, I knew that it was the right thing and I tried so hard to put my trust in the Lord.

On December 17, 2005 with knots in my stomach and a shaky faith, I knelt across the altar in the Salt Lake Temple and made promises to stick with Tyler for eternity!! I was happy....and terrified, but I did it!!!!

Victory!

Victory over my fears. Victory over the nay-sayers. Victory over opposition. Victory over myself!

Now, four years later, my fears of marriage are completely gone and my heart is full of love.

I am teaching myself that hard things are completely possible for me!! I am working on the weakest parts of myself now. Baby steps.

I am a mother now....hard. I am trying to be a good housekeeper.....hard. I am trying not to misjudge people....hard. I am trying to start good habits and get rid of the bad...hard. I am trying not to be so hard on myself....hard.

The point of all this is that I am not so afraid of hard things anymore. I know I can do anything....anything! It feels good.

Brand New Year

The Holidays were great and long and sick and tired! It was so fun to watch Emilee opening her gifts. We watched her climb up the stairs and run into my mom's living room, jump up and down at the sight of all the gifts and Christmas cheer!

I think she felt the magic!

Unfortunately the holidays were full of head colds, sore throats, coughing and achy bodies. We arrived home from our week and a half vacation even more exhausted than when we left.

I am sitting here in the middle of a huge mess, next to Emmy-boo, who keeps going pee-pee in her princess pull-ups! We started potty training today, and I'm not quite sure what I am doing! I'm feeling a little intimidated, I must say. I certainly need to watch the training video again.

I'm excited for the new year!!! I know my cold will pass in the next few days, Emmy will begin using her new potty chair, and I'll get my mess cleaned up.

I have been thinking.....I need a moto for the year, something to motivate and inspire me into action!!! I narrowed it down to two. "Cleanliness is next to Godliness" and "Just Do It". I can't decide between them, so I'm going with "Cleanliness is next to Godliness, so Just Do It!"

This year my home is going to be a haven of peace and cleanliness!! All of those things I always talk about doing, I'm just going to do!! It is going to be awesome! I am so excited! I really want to be a new and better version of my self this year! I want to try things I normally wouldn't have the desire or courage to do! I just know that 2010 is going to rock my world.

So say goodbye to the old lazy, tired, unmotivated Michelle and say hello to the new and improved!!!

I'm off to clean my kitchen!! Talk to you later!

Sleep in Heavenly Peace

So one night last week Adeline just would not give up! She screamed, and wailed and cried, and screeched, and practically hyperventilated for hours and hours into the night!!

Oh my golly goodness!

Tyler and I couldn't figure out what the issue was. Was something poking her? Not that we could tell! Was she hungry? I tried feeding her several times. Was she afraid? Sick? Argggh!! Who knows?

Blessings were given, silent prayers offered, infant Tylenol administered and still the hollering continued!

Finally around two in the a.m. I bewilderingly pulled my tiny girl out of her bassinet, and wrapped her in my arms!

"Mommy is here", I whispered. "I don't know what to do for you my darling. What do you need? Mommy and daddy need sleep and so do you! Please just give in.....please."

Between shudders of exhaustion that only hours of emotional outburst can generate, she latched on and began to feed. I held her with all of the love in my heart. I felt so tired. Tired of being tired. I hoped that my love would soak into her skin and heal whatever part of her was needing my attention. I prayed for peaceful sleep to finally carry her away. And it did.

Thank you Lord, for answering my prayers.