Like a Queen

Tiny shoulders wrapped in fairest skin.  The lightest wisps of wavy hair.  Clear eyes and rose bud lips flutter and twist with the wonder of excitement.  There are dreams in these hearts and big ideas in these little heads!

I sit day after day watching this beauty of girlhood whirl all around me, and I hope with great confidence that one day these little infant goddesses will find a man like their father who will recognize who they are and treat them like a Queen!

I remember as a teenager feeling so angry and embarrassed when my dad would give my boyfriends that "disapproving" look.  What I didn't fully grasp at the time was this innate sense of protection and desire for your daughter to have "only the best". 

One of my very fondest, most tender moments with my father was in the Salt Lake Temple after I was sealed to Tyler for eternity.  He took both of us in his arms, and with tears in his eyes, told us how proud he was of us that day.  I could sense the difficult surrender of handing my care over to another man, but I could feel even more, his respect for and confidence in this man who just covenanted with God to treat me like a Queen!

While we were dating, Tyler handed me a note in church one day that said, "If you marry me, I will make all of your wildest dreams come true".  It was a funny note, but I knew he really meant it.

We just celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary and my sweet husband surprised me with tickets to see Andrea Bocelli in concert!  A dream of mine for 13 years now!  I first heard him sing on a PBS special while I was a nanny in California.  I was 20 years old at the time, and my young adventurous heart was spell bound by the powerful voice of a man who could not see his audience.  The beauty of his performance was not only in his voice, but in his presence.  He is blind, and if you've ever seen him sing, you will know that his disability is a part of what makes him great.  He is not a theatrical performer.  He stands in one place, hands to his sides and simply sings.

Being there in the same space as Andrea Bocelli was exactly the dream I envisioned it to be.  It was an experience, a witnessing of greatness -- something I will never, ever forget.

After the concert, Tyler and I sat in a romantically lit restaurant, surrounded by our fellow concert goers.  There seemed to be a collective reverence and excitement for what we had all just experienced.  I heard a gentleman sitting next to us whisper to his wife, "I hadn't expected to feel the emotion I felt as I heard him sing."

Our perfect evening was punctuated with the most perfectly delicious meal we have ever shared, and I knew, as I looked across the table, that my dad's wishes for his daughter were coming true.  Not just in fancy concerts and fine dining, but in a heart that is willing to give and sacrifice for my happiness.  A heart set on keeping his most sacred promise to love me, protect me, and "make my wildest dreams come true."

Happy Anniversary My Love.

*image*

Christmas Light

I have many memories of squeezing into a minivan filled with teenagers from my church youth group, cruising I-15 to the SLC, and laughing all the way there and back.  It was our holiday visit to the Christmas lights at Temple Square.  It would happen every year, and it was the event I looked forward to more than any other youth activity we had.  

I would wander around with my friends in the frosty air, surrounded by crowds of people smiling and laughing beneath the millions of twinkle lights, and every year there would be that moment my heart would swell with complete contentment.  It was the familiar feeling that told me it was finally Christmas!  

When cheeks were ripe with winter rosiness, and every site had been seen, we would load back up and beeline it to Crown Burger for cheese burgers, french fries, and my favorite part...fry sauce!

 The ride home would always be slightly less comfortable, but only because our bellies would be stuffed full of fast food and our toes were in that tingly defrost mode, but the warmth...ahhhh...the warmth was so comfortable.  The warmth of sitting shoulder to shoulder with my friends.  The warmth of belonging, and the warmth of having something to look forward to, something to celebrate, and something to believe in.

I love that Christmas is so full of tradition.  These traditions are little gifts wrapped in memory and filled with light that we can't wait to open year after year.  Even though we know what's inside, the surprise of how we feel never gets old.


What is your favorite Christmas tradition?

*Image*

Happy Birthday to Me

Today I complete my 33rd year of life, and I must say that right here in the middle of life; you know....the day to day of things, it often appears to be nothing more than a bunch of squiggly lines and random flecks of color splashed around all messy and out of order.  Thankfully, over the years I have been able to step back from the chaos only to find that all of those lines and flecks actually make up something incredible. A bigger picture that makes perfect sense. 

Of course pain has been present through the years, drumming on my heart with its rapid beat of growth, and yet I have lived moment after beautiful moment wondering how God could possibly be so good to me.

Obviously He knows my heart.

He knows exactly what to do to make my life beautiful and meaningful, and in my constant quest of faith through fear, He has always shown me that He is there with this generous gift of life, and all it has in store.

I love that we celebrate the day we are born!  The beginning of our story, and every chapter along the way!

I'm back......

.....and I feel like I just woke up from a night of no sleep! I look like it too!  The last month or so has been a whirlwind of emotion, change, experience and growth!  I might be exhausted, but I am exhausted and happy!

Previous to my "Blog Fast", I challenged myself to go for 40 days without any sweets.  During that time, I found I really didn't need chocolate as much as I always thought I did.

Blogs, however; are an entirely different craving for me.  I realize that I crave information, connection, creativity, and good writing!  I love learning about other people's lives, interests, aspirations and accomplishments.  Blogs inspire me!  I have missed them.

In their absence though, I have learned that I have a big problem with balance.  Learning to enjoy all things in moderation is a big deal to me, but right now I am not very good at it.  I have also learned that I tend to go unconscious at times, turning to outside sources to avoid fully living my own life.  I am not fully present in every moment.  I realized this, when I was finding myself spending too much time reading, or watching movies when I couldn't turn to the blogs I usually escape to.  Why would I do this?  I don't know!  I have a beautiful life filled with love and purpose and yet I seem to keep myself at a distance from everything I love.  Hmmm....interesting.

I am learning to be more aware of who I am and how I am spending my time.  I am trying not to judge myself....just observe and notice.  During the last 40 days, a lot of wonderful new things have happened.  My life is headed in a new and exciting direction, and I am so grateful to my Father in Heaven for giving me such an abundant and full life!  It's my choice to accept it though.  I think the Lord is offering all of us every good thing we desire.....we just have to ask for it and then make the choice to take it!

I highly recommend sacrificing something you might be holding on to a little too tightly.  Stretch yourself.  Take the time to step back and look at your life and behavior a little more closely.  I promise the Lord will show you the parts that need to be let go of, and the best part, is he will replace those parts with the thing you really want......happiness!

Dreams by Firelight

A couple of weeks ago Tyler and I made a decision.  Move out the couch and move in the treadmill!  We thought it was a good idea...until we wanted to sit down! 

Our living room is small and doesn't really accommodate a couch and a treadmill, so....we moved in our bed!!

After celebrating the "New York" new year (10:00 p.m MST) with Royce, Lupe, Adolfo and Blake, we brought our girlies home and put them to bed, then......we heaved and pushed and pulled our awkwardly heavy dead weight mattress through our hall and into the living room, where we ushered in the real new year (12:00 a.m. MST) with a movie, cheese and crackers, sangria and our cozy bed!  Hooray for the new year!

Originally the "move" was just for New Year's eve, but it ended up staying until yesterday, and it was fun having a living room with a bed and a treadmill.  It made me feel like a young newly wed, or a college kid, or like I was living in a tiny studio apartment in New York City!

By day my girls and I would snuggle and eat popcorn and watch movies and color and read stories and jump and dance and by night Tyler and I would sleep by the flicker of our warm cozy fire!

This first week of the new year was fun and spontaneous and different, I like to think it is a precursor to what lies ahead for us this year!

Throughout the week I sat on our bed and recorded my hopes and dreams for the year, and I started my gratitude journal which has already brought a spirit of excitement and awareness into my life.

Eventually the bed needed to go back to the bedroom....where I guess it belongs, because now it's time to get down to business and make all of those hopes and dreams come true!

Charming Babies

While we were driving the streets of Coos Bay and North Bend last week, we saw the cutest little house for sale!  I gasped, and told Tyler "we just had to buy it".  He said something like, "Well I guess we could walk up to the door and show them our charming babies"  to which I replied, "Who wouldn't want to sell their home to someone with charming babies? It will be ours for sure!"

Hungry for Sand

For me, the coast is magical, and I think I know the magic my girls felt as they ran barefoot on the beach, dug their tiny fingers in the cool sand and gathered sea shells, sticks and rocks in their tight little fists and bulging pockets.

They ran, skipped, waddled, jumped, twirled, splashed and reveled in the grandeur and magnificence of the world around them.

Rewind to my twentieth birthday. The day I entered a new decade of life, I also boarded a plane and flew to Los Angeles to be a nanny!  It was there where I fell in love with the beach and the wind and the waves!  During that year we lived in Vancouver BC for a short time.  On a day off, we took a day trip to the near by mountains!  We rode a gondola up.....higher and higher until everything was covered in a thick white snow!  The soft white made everything feel slow and quiet.  As we stepped off the gondola, we stepped into a winter wonderland!  Children were bundled in mittens and snow caps.  They laughed and chased each other around on a small ice skating pond.  A horse drawn carriage brimming with rosy cheeked faces trotted through the trees.  There was skiing, sledding, and a beautiful mountain lodge to escape the wintry nip and warm yourself with a huge mug of hot chocolate.  It was a scene from a Norman Rockwell calendar.  Complete perfection.

At the conclusion of our afternoon in the clouds we worked our way back to the valley and ended our day on the beach.  My young heart pounded as I stood face to face with the crashing waves. The cold wind sent my hair whipping out behind me free and wild.  All of us held hands and screamed into ocean, something we often did together.  It was therapeutic, and in the end always turned into laughter.  On that day I felt so small in a big world.  I knew I was small, but I also knew I was an important part of this big picture!!  I felt like the Grinch with a heart that grew and grew until it would burst.  I wasn't a Grinch....just a changed person.   I had a new love for the world I lived in.  That day I grew hungry for sand and waves and trees and mountains and worlds within this world that I had not yet seen.  

A traveler was born.

Our trip to the Oregon coast reawakened this sense of wonder and awe at the creation God offered as our home.  We are lucky.....so lucky.

Our days on the beach were magic.  The warmth and sun and cool breeze in November where so unusual and I took it as a big "I love you" from a generous Father in Heaven.  

As we wandered the small trail away from the shore, Emilee whispered in my ear...."Mama, I'm hungry for sand".  I smiled.

A traveler is born.

A Life Near The Sea

Howard and Haroldene live near the sea, in a perfectly charming blue house with blue walls, and even a blue hard wood floor.  Surrounded by rose bushes and knick-knacks and walls lined with books and photo albums, you can't help but feel the history and stories that make up their beautiful life together.

 Their faithful companion, Rosie, scurries about under foot and excitedly greets us with heavy panting and rough doggy kisses.  

My girls are in heaven.....and so am I.  

It is our first time meeting this part of our family.  Tyler has told us of their wit and chemistry......how together they make the perfect couple.....the perfect grandparents.  The type who dote on you and make you feel like the most lovable creature in all the world.  Being there in their presence only proved him right.

Emilee collapses in slumber on a nearby chair, completely worn out from our travels and adventures, as the rest of us enjoy a slide show.  You know, with the slide projector and one of those old white screens.  It is absolutely perfect!  Each slide that flashes by paints the picture of grandma's dream.   

To live in a look out tower on a mountain top.  

As the story goes, she took a job in her fifties, for the forest service at a forest fire look out.  She and her dog Maggie lived on the mountain every summer for ten years, and grandpa would visit on the weekends.  Grandma was good at her job, and living a dream made everything magic.  A tiny cabin perched on a cliff, equipped with wood burning stove, the perfect mountain view and dotted with vases full of wild flowers.  It was her home....and she made it her own.  Everything was more beautiful because she had been there.

I smiled, listening to them talk over each other, hastily trying to include every detail, then grandpa would apologize for interrupting and both would sit in silence for a moment waiting for the other to finish the story. They were so proud of their life together and the things they accomplished were important to us, because they were important to them.

Their stories made me cherish my own.  It made me realize that my life is the story I will someday tell my grandchildren and great grandchildren.  

Grandma's health has been failing in the last few years, and as a result Grandpa has taken over all of the household duties.  Watching him take care of his sweetheart was so touching.  It was evident that their years together had forged a love for her in his heart that was real and deep and long suffering.  On the first night we were there I came into the kitchen to dish some dinner up for Tyler.  Grandpa quickly thanked me for "taking care of my guy", reminding me that when we love someone we must serve them.  His example taught me this more than anything he could ever say.

As we backed out of their drive way on a Friday afternoon, the image of them sending us on our way, filled me up completely.  I knew I had been given something valuable.  I had been tutored in love and encouraged by a wisdom greater than my own.  I think I saw more clearly the value of family and how we are all in this together!

Grandma and Grandpa,

I loved sharing a small part of your life near the sea!  Everything about our visit inspired love and restored the magic of adventure in me!  You showed me what it means to be generous and inspired me to take care of everyone and everything around me.  Thank you for all of the gifts you give.

I'll love you forever and ever.

~Michelle

Little Ballerina

I think I have found my new mantra!

"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

*George Eliot*

Sometimes I wonder why I didn't become a dancer?  I love to dance.  When I was a little girl, I used to pretend I was a ballerina. I would move my tiny arms in graceful movements. I would dip and twirl and daintily prance around the house.

Then I grew up, and I used to live for the weekend institute dances! The music was a call I could not ignore and the dance floor was my stage.  No one was watching, and it wasn't about attention.  It was about expression and it felt so good to move, and laugh, and live it up!!
 Now I hesitate to move my body that way and I can't quite figure it out.  I think it might be due to the extra pounds weighing me down.  It could be that I don't feel like myself anymore, and because of the embarrassment I feel for my bigger body, I've allowed areas of my heart and soul to wither away.  Parts that used to make me happy!

There are other things too, like...
Why didn't I ever try out for a play in high school, or stick with violin, or flute or guitar?  Why didn't I ever tell certain boys that I "liked" them?

Why wasn't I more generous, kind, outgoing and adventurous?  What could my life have been like?  What would I be like now?

I've wondered that from time to time.

I can't imagine God placing time limits and expiration dates on His dreams and goals.  Who knows how "old" he was when he created you.....or me.  I'm pretty sure he doesn't place limits on ours either.  That is usually our own doing.

I know this little ballerina is somewhere inside of me, even now.  And when I've found the love inside that doesn't judge my size, shape, age and limitations...

...I hope she'll dance again!

October

I've been thinking about it, and I've decided that October is my favorite month of the year.....and it's not because of Halloween, because quite frankly, I'm not that into Halloween.

No, for me it has more to do with the feeling, the color and the memories.

October is the perfect combination of warm and cold and the perfect backdrop for happiness.  You get to wear tights and jewel tones, and you don't have to wear a jacket, but you can.......if you really want to!

I remember a stormy October night 11 years ago.  It was a night of great importance in my young life.....I was going to the Temple in preparation to serve a mission, and more importantly, in preparation for the rest of my life, and all those heartfelt renditions of "I Love to see the Temple.....I'm going there someday" somehow brought me to this October night!  Inside that hallowed building I made promises to God and to myself.  Promises that I was finally ready to make and in so doing, even without noticing it, I was a different person.  It was the most beautiful thing I had experienced and it was huge and important and I felt the warmth that only the spirit can bring.  I realized that there is so much to learn, and even though I caught only a small portion of it on that first visit, I knew it was true and I knew that I was loved and important to my Heavenly Father.
On the way home, dark clouds and cold wind swirled around us, but all the cold in the world couldn't penetrate the warmth I was feeling.

It was good.

This month of October is making me feel reminiscent, and even a little emotional.  A lot of the greatest events in my life have taken place in October.  I think I will write more about them through out the remainder of the month!

Now off to eat some pumpkin chili!

A Good Day

Five years ago today I found myself in my cozy bed in a tiny Orem apartment.  I was tired and didn't feel well.  Lying there in the dark I sensed someone enter my room.  It was Tyler, and he softly whispered for me to get up and get dressed and meet him in the living room!

"Whoa, wait......what time is it?", I thought.  "How did you get into my apartment?"  Everything was a swirl of confusion, sickness, and excitement!  It was a Saturday, and not just any Saturday.  It was General Conference Saturday, and I was excited to sleep in, and lazily lounge around the house listening to words of hope and counsel.

I jumped up and dressed in the dark, tried to comb my hair and met Tyler in the living room!  He seemed nervous and excited.  I couldn't say I was unaware of what was going on.  It was a short time before, that I had finally agreed.  It was time for us to be together forever.  We hurried out to his truck and together we started toward the mountains.  He had a back-pack filled with snacks and had even purchased a radio, so we could listen to the first session of conference together on top of squaw peak.  As I mentioned before, I wasn't feeling well, so it didn't take long before I broke down!  I felt horrible.  I knew he had put a lot of thought into his plan and I knew it would all be wonderful, but I just couldn't do it!  The work of hiking and climbing and straining and sweating was more than I could take considering the nausea and headache.  I sobbed, not because of how I was feeling physically, but because of  how I was feeling inside.  The last thing I wanted to do was ruin this important day.

Together we sat on the side of the trail and he held me while I cried.  We went back to the truck and he drove me home.  I remember he was so sweet and so understanding.  The truth was, it didn't matter where it happened.  After our long and emotional journey to this point, it just felt good to have our focus on eternity.

We watched conference together.  I don't really remember all of the details of the day, but I do remember that sometime after 4:00 p.m. we took a drive up Provo canyon and basked in the beauty of a changing season, both literally and figuratively.  This is my favorite time of year and there is nothing like being surrounded by the warmth of Fall kissed mountains!  I was in heaven!

We arrived at Sundance.  We found a place to pull off the road and together we walked up into the trees.  Tyler was nervous and knelt down in the leaves.  A car pulled up a few yards away disturbing our  peace and he quickly jumped to his feet.  We quietly waited until they drove away.  Again he knelt down and took my hands.  He began to speak his emotional request, when quite unexpectedly a man came bursting through the bushes  just a few feet away!  Again Tyler jumped to his feet!  We were both startled and quite surprised and laughed at the timing of the interruptions.  The whole thing was kind of rushed, because Tyler had to be back by 6:00 p.m. for the Priesthood session.

Finally after much distraction and interruption, he asked me the question......and I said YES!

I know his plans for that day included something a little more beautiful and meaningful than what actually transpired, but there is a spot....a beautiful and sacred spot in the golden trees of Sundance where our lives changed, and the days that have passed from that day to this, have brought us more joy and growth than I could have ever hoped for as I stood in that spot.

Today, my heart is filled and bursting with gratitude for a man who has been willing so often to stop on the side of the trail and hold me while I struggle through our journey together.  He has been willing to make alternate plans......plans that have sometimes been different than the original, but more beautiful than either of us could have ever hoped!                                                                                                                                                                                                          

Crisp, Cool, Warm and Fuzzy

Summer swept through quietly, rosy cheeked and happy! Somehow we only managed one pool party on the lawn. It's kind of sad and very disappointing for my little Em, but we did manage a few sprinkler runs and camping trips. It has been a good summer.

For weeks now I have been waiting for the first of September to drop my cinnamon apple into the Scentsy warmer. For me part of the appeal of Fall is the smell of Fall. I love the warm pumpkin breads and apple cobblers. The homey aroma of clove, cinnamon and nutmeg! I LOVE Autumn. The colors are glorious, fiery and warm.

It's so lovely walking under the warm sun with the crisp cool air on your face. For me this approaching season conjures up everything cozy and nostalgic. It signifies the "getting back to business" time of year, with schools back in session and summer laziness all wrapped up in a pretty package and placed back up on the shelf. The exciting part is that another pretty package gets to come down. I look forward to the sweaters and socks again, and the familiar smell and warmth of our little wood burning stove.

I only wish this time of year lingered a little longer!

Becoming a Queen

In recent months, I have been fascinated with the idea of becoming. By that, I mean the idea of changing and evolving into my full potential. Into something greater than I currently am.

I have felt a need to find out what I am really doing here. It is my belief that we came from another existence where we were given a choice to come to earth. I believe that promises were made there and assignments were given. We interacted with God. I believe we are His children, and as His children we hold divinity that is beyond our comprehension. Being here on earth is part of a grand plan, the purpose of which, is to unite all of us as one eternal family and allow us the choice to return to our Father in Heaven. I have lived my entire life with these understandings, but I realize that just knowing something doesn’t mean I am really living up to my potential and purpose.

What is it then, that must be done for me to become who and what I am meant to be? Is it more about changing myself, or is it more about remembering myself? Most likely some of both.

Because these things have been on my mind a lot lately, it feels like I am at the beginning of my journey, but if I look back at my life thus far, I find that I have been on the journey all along. Becoming is simply about choices. Every choice we make sends us down the path of becoming. The question is what am I becoming?

Am I on the path to my full potential? Or am I wandering around, lost, confused, and focused on things that are nothing more than distractions.

I want to become who I am supposed to be. That is what I have decided for myself, and hopefully my choices will reflect that more often than not. Fulfilling my purpose is a very personal and sacred path, but I am all about working together to make things happen, and I’d like to include anyone and everyone who would like to help. In return I’d like to help anyone I can.

Because of all of this I have started a new blog Becoming a Queen. Through this blog I am going to share what I feel are crucial elements in this process. My hope is that others will help and contribute. I would love to interview others who are on this same quest, and who may have insight that will help me on my journey. I am excited to learn and...become.

Snapshot

I love it when a photo captures the essence of life. It holds a place and picture of the goings on of the season. It sums things up perfectly!! This photo does that.

Activities abundant in the Iverson household lately include:

• Swimming in the kiddie pool out on the lawn. (Thank you Amber)
• Lots and lots of stories.
• Disney movies galore.
• Youtube videos for children.
• Making messes.
• Playing with toys.
• Snuggling in blankets.
• And of course basking in the light of these two adorable faces!

(Pretty much the only thing missing is an otter pop in someones hand.)

As you can see, life is good.

This Gorgeous Life

We travel into the city, or "up north", as it is referred to here, about once a month. We usually stay with my family in Springville and hit up Costco, Wal-mart, and any other necessary stops.

It tends to be rushed and filled with the constant predicament of wanting to relax and enjoy family and friends and the need to get all of our errands done before heading back out to the desert.

I love it, and I hate it.

It's a price that we pay living way out in the unknown lands of the west. People think we are crazy, but.....we love it out here. I guess you could say, it is a price we are willing to pay. Besides Tyler and I haven't gone to rehab for our fast food addiction yet, so if it wasn't for our extremely remote location, we'd both weigh 300 lbs.

All that aside, I want to let you in on a little part of why I love Tyler. First of all, he loves his girls. I've mentioned that before, but I don't think you really get it. I mean he really REALLY adores them, and he wants to give them experiences that make them happy. Experiences that give them fond childhood memories. And I love him for that!


Last time we went to town we found a nice spot to stop on our way home. We pulled out our diaper boxes to use as tables, dug through our coolers and pulled out the hot dogs. Our hero daddy built us a fire, and hovered over the open flame roasting hot dogs for his hungry family. Emilee ran wild in the open air. She jumped up and down waiting to eat her hot dog, and then smiled like crazy while she smeared ketchup everywhere! Adeline cooed in the fresh air, and my heart swelled with love and contentment as I observed my little family.


This last trip was long and tiring. I built a cake, there was a wedding, Tyler rafted a river, we shopped and shopped and then finally late Saturday afternoon we set off for home. We were pooped....all of us. As we approached Delta, Tyler mentioned something about an ice cream cone, but I was in no mood to haul the babies out of their slumber, and away from the cool car in order to watch them smear ice cream all over kingdom come. No thank you!!

But, just as my sweet Tyler was about to move on, I had a change of heart......Yes!, I cried out......let's do it! Let's live our lives......let's eat ice cream! He smiled and circled back into the parking lot of the Delta Freeze. Once again our hero daddy saved the day. He reminded mommy that even though life makes us tired, it is still our life.......the only one we have. Today will never come again.



Thank you my love, for showing our girls that it is okay to have fun!!!

Love you a million x a million!

Hello Summer

Hello Summer.

Welcome to my world again! I've never forgotten you, with all of your flirty laughter and friendly invitations to come outside and play. I've always had a thing for you. Your warmth is sweet, but I've been burned once or twice, and well....sometimes I ignore you because of that, and instead give my affection to the cool indoors.

Burns do heal though and freckles do forgive, and somehow every year when you make your appearance, I realize that I have really truly missed you.

And now.......I want to introduce you to my girls. I want them to love you and play in your warmth. I want them to miss you when you are gone.

Just like me.

Dandelions

On Saturday Emmy, Addy and I spent some time out on the deck in the sunshine!

It was so nice.

At one point, as I was feeding some rice cereal and peaches to the babe, Em wandered down the steps to the lawn. A few minutes later she approached with a fist full of dandelions. "Hea Mommy....feowas (flowers)."

Oh my.

Right then and there my heart grew and burst! It was my first bouquet of dandelions picked with love from my first born. I wish I had a photo of her sweet face looking up at me with her fist full of flowers held above her head!

I filled a tiny glass vase with water and attempted to arrange them. It was difficult considering most of them were just dandelion heads with no stems, but I displayed them proudly all weekend.

This morning I am left with their shriveled remnants and a beautiful memory!

Thank you baby girl!

Plumperoni

Okay....this is me.

Well actually this was me about three years ago, but this is a shot of me at the height of my plumpness and glory.

I am learning to embrace my soft squishiness, but it is not really the look I want to sport for the rest of my life.

Though I believe that it is important to be happy right where you are....in your current state, I do not believe we should ever be completely satisfied with our current state. Dissatisfaction initiates progression and creativity and I am at a point where progression and creativity are needed and welcome!

I am on a journey of self reclamation! I am not going to settle any longer for the lower version of myself that I have befriended for many many years. In fact I don't really know if befriended is the right word for it, because speaking ill of, lying to, and mistreating someone isn't friendly at all! The truth is I've been belittling myself for far too long!!

There is a mighty obstacle in the way though.

Food.

I love food!! And when I say love, I'm talking a capital L-O-V-E. That coupled with any emotional baggage I'm hanging on to makes for a long shot at permanent weight loss. So.....here it goes. I'll be testing some new ideas and techniques I've got up my sleeve.

I'll let you know how it goes!

The Fairy Blog-Mother

If you have not heard of Stephanie Nielson that probably means you have not read her blog! If you haven't read her blog that might mean you have not been exposed to the beauty that is available to you as a woman.

About a year and a half ago, I was introduced to The NieNie Dialogues. I was smitten. I felt as though I had found a soul sister, someone who shared the dreamy romantic view of life that I held in my heart and soul. I felt freed. I was inspired. I was moved. To focus on the good, and to create the good. That is what NieNie taught me.

I've decided that blogging is powerful and here's why. It is a record of your thoughts, your dreams, your observations. It causes you to focus on the things you desire and the things you believe. You realize your capacity to love, you observe and feel gratitude for the love you receive. It exposes your complexities and simplicities. When you step back and really think about it, your blog is a portrait of yourself...........whoever you are, whatever you are....it is captured and thrown out as a ray of light in the darkness.

Writing is a creation process, but I am starting to believe that it helps in physical creation as well. When you write about life, you allow yourself to imagine something even greater.....as a result greater things come about. I know it has happened in my life. Perhaps it will in yours too!

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."

Henry David Thoreau

Who do I think I am?

I was sexually abused as a young girl, by my own Grandfather. Without even realizing it those experiences, along with others in my life, left me with a huge injury. What I felt was a sure knowledge that all men were selfish at the core, and given enough time, they are ALL bound to abuse your precious gift of trust.

Heavy. I know.

If this makes you squirm and feel uncomfortable, I don't blame you.....it makes me squirm and feel uncomfortable too. I have to bring it up though, because if those events had not happened, I'm afraid that the incredible experiences of this past week wouldn't have needed to happen either......and that would really be a shame.

On Monday morning I had an impression.

This was one I had received multiple times in the last few months. I had dismissed it over and over again, honestly thinking it was nothing. But on Monday morning, I acted on it......and quite honestly it has changed everything for me!!!

This week I have been forced to stand face to face with the things that have caused me to cower and ache. These things have held me captive with fear and have cultivated within my heart and spirit the absolute inability to really truly trust.

This week I looked my pain and distrust square in the eyes.......I explained that I really didn't need them hanging around anymore and then I walked away. I'll admit, it was the kind of walk where you keep looking back, and at times you really want to run back and embrace your old familiar friends....you want to, even though you know they're no good for you.

I realize none of this may make any sense to those of you reading it, but what it comes down to is that I have chosen something that I don't think I could have chosen just a few short years ago!!! I have chosen to trust, forgive, let go, and love with everything I have. In some ways it hasn't been pretty, because I've had to fight against those parts of myself that hold on to old habits and bitterness, but I know that the higher parts of myself are winning this battle.....I can see it, I can feel it.

The Lord has been close at hand this week, He has walked the halls of our home. Angels have ministered, and the details of every miracle will be documented in a less public place.

What I really wanted to share here though, for anyone it may help, is this......Whoever you think you are and whatever you believe about yourself, is most likely untrue. I dare say that you are far greater and much more capable than you imagine. When you feel paralyzed by those things that you fear or resent, or you feel stuck in a constant spiral of trying and failing...........don't you dare give up!!! I am certain that there will come a day you will be faced with a choice. You can look up at where you are headed and decide that there is too much pain involved if you are ever going to make it, or you can look back at this mountain we are all climbing and realize just how far you have come.

The extremely personal events of this past week, are not singular to my life alone......we are all given the chance to change from who we think we are into what we really are. Powerful children of a loving God.

Believe it. It is true.