I think I can....

When am I going to get it all together? 

I have been trying for my whole lifetime to make the basic things like, exercise, vitamins, prayer, scripture study, going to bed early and rising early, and keeping a clean home into habits and it feels like as soon as I get one going pretty consistently all of the others fall apart.

I'm not looking for perfection, just consistency.  I want to be able to count on myself to do what I say I am going to do....you know? 

I have a short attention span and a slow body, which is a strange combination, because my mind is busy and bustling with ideas and movement, and yet my body lags behind...way behind.  All of the fire inside only appears to be a tiny smolder when observing my daily accomplishments.

I am inpatient with how slow progression can be.  I want to be my best now!

I know I have plenty of emotional weaknesses in the mix, but today I am feeling fully aware of my physical limitations.  I want to be strong, fit, and energetic.....and yet I don't feel like I have the energy to make it happen.  I guess this is when I hit my knees and then do the best I can.  Somehow the Lord always gives me the strength to do what I don't think I can.

So many things on my mind

The flu/cold/diarrhea  monster has been holding my family hostage for what feels like months.  Cycle after cycle of torture and harsh treatment has had me working overtime administering Tylenol, Vics, essential oils, echinacea and of course replenishing fluids, cleaning up fluids, wiping boogers, wiping butts, and wiping up messes of all sorts until I have not a single ounce of energy left to take care of anything else......like myself.

This motherhood gig is tough I tell ya!

And yet as I am up all hours of the night consoling the inconsolable and patting their tiny backs while they cough themselves silly, I think of those mothers in other parts of the world, whose homes are no longer standing, who console a different kind of inconsolable and who are fighting a fight I know nothing about.  I pray for them....that sleep will come to their weary eyes and comfort to their hearts.

We all have our challenges and tonight I am so very grateful to have mine.

Charming Babies

While we were driving the streets of Coos Bay and North Bend last week, we saw the cutest little house for sale!  I gasped, and told Tyler "we just had to buy it".  He said something like, "Well I guess we could walk up to the door and show them our charming babies"  to which I replied, "Who wouldn't want to sell their home to someone with charming babies? It will be ours for sure!"

A Good Day

Five years ago today I found myself in my cozy bed in a tiny Orem apartment.  I was tired and didn't feel well.  Lying there in the dark I sensed someone enter my room.  It was Tyler, and he softly whispered for me to get up and get dressed and meet him in the living room!

"Whoa, wait......what time is it?", I thought.  "How did you get into my apartment?"  Everything was a swirl of confusion, sickness, and excitement!  It was a Saturday, and not just any Saturday.  It was General Conference Saturday, and I was excited to sleep in, and lazily lounge around the house listening to words of hope and counsel.

I jumped up and dressed in the dark, tried to comb my hair and met Tyler in the living room!  He seemed nervous and excited.  I couldn't say I was unaware of what was going on.  It was a short time before, that I had finally agreed.  It was time for us to be together forever.  We hurried out to his truck and together we started toward the mountains.  He had a back-pack filled with snacks and had even purchased a radio, so we could listen to the first session of conference together on top of squaw peak.  As I mentioned before, I wasn't feeling well, so it didn't take long before I broke down!  I felt horrible.  I knew he had put a lot of thought into his plan and I knew it would all be wonderful, but I just couldn't do it!  The work of hiking and climbing and straining and sweating was more than I could take considering the nausea and headache.  I sobbed, not because of how I was feeling physically, but because of  how I was feeling inside.  The last thing I wanted to do was ruin this important day.

Together we sat on the side of the trail and he held me while I cried.  We went back to the truck and he drove me home.  I remember he was so sweet and so understanding.  The truth was, it didn't matter where it happened.  After our long and emotional journey to this point, it just felt good to have our focus on eternity.

We watched conference together.  I don't really remember all of the details of the day, but I do remember that sometime after 4:00 p.m. we took a drive up Provo canyon and basked in the beauty of a changing season, both literally and figuratively.  This is my favorite time of year and there is nothing like being surrounded by the warmth of Fall kissed mountains!  I was in heaven!

We arrived at Sundance.  We found a place to pull off the road and together we walked up into the trees.  Tyler was nervous and knelt down in the leaves.  A car pulled up a few yards away disturbing our  peace and he quickly jumped to his feet.  We quietly waited until they drove away.  Again he knelt down and took my hands.  He began to speak his emotional request, when quite unexpectedly a man came bursting through the bushes  just a few feet away!  Again Tyler jumped to his feet!  We were both startled and quite surprised and laughed at the timing of the interruptions.  The whole thing was kind of rushed, because Tyler had to be back by 6:00 p.m. for the Priesthood session.

Finally after much distraction and interruption, he asked me the question......and I said YES!

I know his plans for that day included something a little more beautiful and meaningful than what actually transpired, but there is a spot....a beautiful and sacred spot in the golden trees of Sundance where our lives changed, and the days that have passed from that day to this, have brought us more joy and growth than I could have ever hoped for as I stood in that spot.

Today, my heart is filled and bursting with gratitude for a man who has been willing so often to stop on the side of the trail and hold me while I struggle through our journey together.  He has been willing to make alternate plans......plans that have sometimes been different than the original, but more beautiful than either of us could have ever hoped!                                                                                                                                                                                                          

And so much more

My Anthropologie catalog arrived in the mail today..........oh glory be!

I am passionately in love with every single item in that blessed store. I know it's not good to covet or long for material possessions, but everything is so frilly and beautiful, and so tempting!

I counted 5 pairs of shoes
5 cardi's
3 blouses (who uses the word blouses anymore?.....I do!)
4 dresses
2 jackets
2 rugs
6 comforter sets
and
1 pair of curtains, that I must have.

And that was only in the catalog.

Anthropologie is delicious, it is feminine, it is unique..............and it is pricey. That is why my passion has to be held in reserve for that future place where I have all the money I could ever dream of. That place does exist.....I know it does. People tell me it is imaginary.......but it can't be. I'm never going to give up hoping, because dreams really do come true. If you don't believe me.....remember this post? These beauties are sitting in my cupboard as we speak!! Oooh, I think I'm going to go pour myself some creamy chocolate milk right now!

Here's to pretty things! clink clink!

*wink*

Messy

Am I a messy person? I don't know. It feels like it most of the time.

I don't like that feeling.

When we were young, Amber's side of our room was always so neat and tidy, her bed made to perfection. I recall her disgust with her messy older sister whose clothes were dropped here and draped there and piles of stuff, books, important papers, and sentimental items covered nearly every surface....I guess I can't really blame her.

Clutter is so unhealthy. I'm serious! Studies have been done.......there is proof. I try to clean things up....I try, but I'm not like my mother or my sister. Within the day of a good cleaning, piles are forming and clothes are draped and dropped. I must say, it drives me crazy! It makes me sad. I am so easily distracted by books and blogs, creative ideas, projects, cuddles, kisses, delicious food and good conversation. Chasing messes all day is too much, it distracts me from my distractions.

They say that cleanliness is next to godliness...............*long sigh*...........I want to be next to godliness. I do.

Sometimes I wonder if my outward mess is just evidence of cluttered surfaces on the inside. If that is the case, perhaps I just need to clean off those surfaces and then all of the physical ones will stay clean too.....finally. Perhaps there will then be enough of me to chase messes AND do the things I love.

Prayer, fasting, meditation, study, self reflection, energy clearing, focus, humility and the power of Christ's atonement. It sounds so simple. The solutions do exist. I am lucky, no, blessed to know what I know......it doesn't make it easy though.

Heavenly Father loves messy people, fortunately for me. My beautiful babies love their messy mama, and my Tyler loves his messy Michelle. They give me permission to love my mess......and I guess I do. My mess is glorious. It is mine to sort through and purge......and eventually let go of for good.

Some day I will be completely clean. My heart and my home.

Until then, please forgive my mess.

The Fairy Blog-Mother

If you have not heard of Stephanie Nielson that probably means you have not read her blog! If you haven't read her blog that might mean you have not been exposed to the beauty that is available to you as a woman.

About a year and a half ago, I was introduced to The NieNie Dialogues. I was smitten. I felt as though I had found a soul sister, someone who shared the dreamy romantic view of life that I held in my heart and soul. I felt freed. I was inspired. I was moved. To focus on the good, and to create the good. That is what NieNie taught me.

I've decided that blogging is powerful and here's why. It is a record of your thoughts, your dreams, your observations. It causes you to focus on the things you desire and the things you believe. You realize your capacity to love, you observe and feel gratitude for the love you receive. It exposes your complexities and simplicities. When you step back and really think about it, your blog is a portrait of yourself...........whoever you are, whatever you are....it is captured and thrown out as a ray of light in the darkness.

Writing is a creation process, but I am starting to believe that it helps in physical creation as well. When you write about life, you allow yourself to imagine something even greater.....as a result greater things come about. I know it has happened in my life. Perhaps it will in yours too!

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."

Henry David Thoreau

Courage my Love

Adeline is our apprehensive child. She is a homebody, and when I say homebody I mean she likes to be held tightly against her mother's body, and most of the time nobody else will do.

She ponders daily on many serious subjects, and I like to imagine that she is visualizing all of the great things she will accomplish during her life.

Having a second child has caused me to realize that indeed all children are different. They arrive with different personalities, strengths, and missions to fulfill. I really think that coming to earth was harder for Adeline than it was for Emilee. I try to create a sense of security and safety around her....I desire to instill the confidence she will need to branch out and embrace her purpose here on earth! It is all so wonderful and exciting!

Addy, I love it when daddy brings you to our bed in the mornings. You wiggle and smile as we lay tummy to tummy......mommy and baby. You reach for my face, lay your sweet head on my chest and suck on your tiny thumb. You gaze at me with those beautiful blues and lift me out of my morning slump. I love that about you.

Be strong my sweet Adeline. Life is yours...it is now. Soak it in, wrap your soft little arms around it and take courage my love. All things are possible for you......my beautiful baby girl.

Grump Fest 2010

I ate cake for breakfast this morning.....yes cake! The saddest part of that story is, I fed it to Emilee as well. Not the wisest mothering choice, but I thought it might add some sweetness to an otherwise dark, wet, cold morning.

I'm going to over share now.

I know it's not good energy to complain...but this whole week has been a major grump fest for me! My mood has been swinging with such force, I'm afraid it might poke an eye out!

I don't feel like myself. Opposition keeps getting up in my face, pushing me around, whispering...."just give up already"!

I need a make-over! I wish they had a "biggest loser" for people who just need to loose 30 or 40 lbs. I wish a gift card for a day at the spa would show up for me in the mail. I also wish I could sleep at night, and that my eyebrows didn't look like they were taking over my face!

Am I feeling sorry for myself? A little.

Sometimes I just can't believe the endless things a woman's body goes through....just being a woman! All the hormones, and cycles, and cramps and pains, and bloating, and uncontrollable grouchiness, and then there is the illness of pregnancy, the discomfort, and water retention, which turns into the intense pain of contractions, followed by pushing a baby out of your body, followed by the pain when you being breastfeeding, then the sleepless nights, and then your body freaks out as it tries to start your "womanly" cycle again!

And then there are the men who look at you like "what's your problem?" (Not that my husband would ever do that....he's awesome!)

I don't know. Maybe it's just me.

This last week I have felt like I could sleep for an entire week. I don't know what is happening, but I need help! Heavenly help.

I know this cloud will pass. I know being a woman is a wonderful gift. I really do! I'm just having a really hard week.

Thanks for letting me vent.

My Space

In my brain resides a space, sweet, charming and all mine. In colors of ivory and blush with all of the perfect feminine touches! Kind of like Kathleen Kelly's apartment on "You've Got Mail". It will be light and airy, yet cozy, comfortable and inviting.

In this space is a desk. A beautiful desk where I create! I read and write and record all of my fabulous ideas and projects to beautify my life and my home. There on my desk sits a perfectly beautiful desk calender and it looks exactly like the one pictured above! Isn't it sweet?

To buy one of your very own go here!

I Love Christmas

But even more...I love the Man whose birth we celebrate!

Dear Money

Hello my friend! We have known each other for a long time now. I know there have been times when we haven't seen each other as much as I would have liked. You have many friends, and you are very busy. I realize that! I just wanted to let you know that despite all that, in some way you have always been there for me, and I really, really appreciate that!

I am writing to let you know that Tyler and I are making big plans for our future. There are so many people we would like to help and we would like to invite you to join us if you can!! It's going to be awesome, and it certainly won't be the same without you! I hope to see more of you soon.

Thanks for all you've done for me!

Love,
Michelle

Lovely

Don't you love the word "Lovely"? I think it is one of the most beautiful descriptive words. I used to worry so much about being pretty, and I never felt I compared to any of my friends growing up! I was miserable most of my life wishing to be pretty, but now I am realizing that being pretty is nothing compared to being lovely. The definition of the word inspires me!

1. charmingly or exquisitely beautiful: a lovely flower.
2. having a beauty that appeals to the heart or mind as well as to the eye, as a person or a face.
3. delightful; highly pleasing: to have a lovely time.
4. of a great moral or spiritual beauty: a lovely character.

When I think of loveliness, I think of many women including Sister Hinckley! I love her soft kind face molded by a life of goodness, service, laughter and love! She is sassy and yet very reverent and respectful when it comes to sacred things. She seemed to really enjoy everything about life. What a patient and strong woman!

As the years go by we create the face we will live with in our 70's, 80's and 90's! Will it be soft, or hardened? Will we shine, or be dulled by feelings of bitterness? Will our faces be lined with worry, or sculpted by faith and hope? What will our eyes tell those who look at our pictures long after we are gone?

When it is all said and done, I hope to be thought of as lovely!