Friday, April 9, 2010
Who do I think I am?
I was sexually abused as a young girl, by my own Grandfather. Without even realizing it those experiences, along with others in my life, left me with a huge injury. What I felt was a sure knowledge that all men were selfish at the core, and given enough time, they are ALL bound to abuse your precious gift of trust.
Heavy. I know.
If this makes you squirm and feel uncomfortable, I don't blame you.....it makes me squirm and feel uncomfortable too. I have to bring it up though, because if those events had not happened, I'm afraid that the incredible experiences of this past week wouldn't have needed to happen either......and that would really be a shame.
On Monday morning I had an impression.
This was one I had received multiple times in the last few months. I had dismissed it over and over again, honestly thinking it was nothing. But on Monday morning, I acted on it......and quite honestly it has changed everything for me!!!
This week I have been forced to stand face to face with the things that have caused me to cower and ache. These things have held me captive with fear and have cultivated within my heart and spirit the absolute inability to really truly trust.
This week I looked my pain and distrust square in the eyes.......I explained that I really didn't need them hanging around anymore and then I walked away. I'll admit, it was the kind of walk where you keep looking back, and at times you really want to run back and embrace your old familiar friends....you want to, even though you know they're no good for you.
I realize none of this may make any sense to those of you reading it, but what it comes down to is that I have chosen something that I don't think I could have chosen just a few short years ago!!! I have chosen to trust, forgive, let go, and love with everything I have. In some ways it hasn't been pretty, because I've had to fight against those parts of myself that hold on to old habits and bitterness, but I know that the higher parts of myself are winning this battle.....I can see it, I can feel it.
The Lord has been close at hand this week, He has walked the halls of our home. Angels have ministered, and the details of every miracle will be documented in a less public place.
What I really wanted to share here though, for anyone it may help, is this......Whoever you think you are and whatever you believe about yourself, is most likely untrue. I dare say that you are far greater and much more capable than you imagine. When you feel paralyzed by those things that you fear or resent, or you feel stuck in a constant spiral of trying and failing...........don't you dare give up!!! I am certain that there will come a day you will be faced with a choice. You can look up at where you are headed and decide that there is too much pain involved if you are ever going to make it, or you can look back at this mountain we are all climbing and realize just how far you have come.
The extremely personal events of this past week, are not singular to my life alone......we are all given the chance to change from who we think we are into what we really are. Powerful children of a loving God.
Believe it. It is true.