Gold & Blush

I have this image of myself in my mind. 

I don't know if it's the way I used to be or the way I will eventually become or even the way I am now behind all of the veils that make my image soft and blurry. 

The picture is both pretty and poetic.

I am alive with purpose, my face washed in serenity of spirit, my features softened by grace.  My eyes shine bright and warm, like the lamps in the windows of a familiar place.  My body stands strong and feminine. Every curve and muscle a sign of my battle valiantly fought.   

I am laughter and ambition wrapped in shades of gold and blush.

This image is what keeps me in love with myself on the days that are ugly and confusing, and reminds me that there is breath-taking beauty in here waiting to be called out into the light.

Love Letters to My Life

I've really neglected my blog this year (obviously) but a piece of my heart has ached to return to this familiar place.

The need to come back and scroll through old posts and photos.  

A need to remember. 

As I read my thoughts and looked at the images of my life as it used to be, I felt so grateful!  I could see how far we've come, but also how much more complicated things have become.  I missed the simplicity, but appreciated the new adventures we are currently facing.

There is a lot of awareness to be gained in keeping a record of life.  It pleases me so completely to know that life has been, and will be beautiful in every phase.  "Beautiful" isn't always pretty mind you...things can and will be messy and painful, but I've found it's in the looking back (sometimes from a distance), that we are finally able to see a more complete picture and purpose in the madness.  A chaos touched by divinity!

When you have evidence...a record of some sort...it is easy to see how gradually you've become who you were always meant to be!

*image*

Cardigan Empire

It has been over a month since I was featured on Cardigan Empire, and I totally forgot to post it on my own blog!  Sheesh, I must be distracted by a million other equally awesome things. 

So even though it's old news, I'd love for you to follow this link and check out Reachel's beautiful blog and support her weekly celebration of beauty!

*image*

Christmas Light

I have many memories of squeezing into a minivan filled with teenagers from my church youth group, cruising I-15 to the SLC, and laughing all the way there and back.  It was our holiday visit to the Christmas lights at Temple Square.  It would happen every year, and it was the event I looked forward to more than any other youth activity we had.  

I would wander around with my friends in the frosty air, surrounded by crowds of people smiling and laughing beneath the millions of twinkle lights, and every year there would be that moment my heart would swell with complete contentment.  It was the familiar feeling that told me it was finally Christmas!  

When cheeks were ripe with winter rosiness, and every site had been seen, we would load back up and beeline it to Crown Burger for cheese burgers, french fries, and my favorite part...fry sauce!

 The ride home would always be slightly less comfortable, but only because our bellies would be stuffed full of fast food and our toes were in that tingly defrost mode, but the warmth...ahhhh...the warmth was so comfortable.  The warmth of sitting shoulder to shoulder with my friends.  The warmth of belonging, and the warmth of having something to look forward to, something to celebrate, and something to believe in.

I love that Christmas is so full of tradition.  These traditions are little gifts wrapped in memory and filled with light that we can't wait to open year after year.  Even though we know what's inside, the surprise of how we feel never gets old.


What is your favorite Christmas tradition?

*Image*

Flowery & Wise

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am writing a book!  This is huge for me, and scary, and satisfying, and intimidating, and a million other things. 

It has become evident that I am addicted to flowery words.  This is a problem because flowery writing has to be tamed when writing a REAL book.  It might be okay for my own personal journal, or maybe even this little blog, but the printed word, bound and ready for purchase....has to be more grounded.

I am a dreamer!  Just last night I was told that I live with my head in the clouds.  I suppose it is true, but amid all of my "daydreamy-ness", I actually know a thing or two about life.  A thing or two worth sharing, and my hope is that the truth and wisdom I carry in my deepest depths will tame my flowery heart, and what will eventually come out of this work, will be a little piece of me....the perfect blend of rose colored wisdom.

Something Creeps About the House

I remember huddling deep down in my covers while my best friend slept peacefully nearby.  It was a sleepover at her house, and she always had incredible stories of haunting and ghostly sightings that thrilled my senses and tormented my sleep!  I would lay awake forever after her stories, scanning the room for my own unearthly sightings. I have always been intrigued at the thought of spirits walking our halls and visiting us from time to time, but I am not at all excited by scary movies or books and I could most certainly do without anything creepy walking the halls of my home.  Friendly ghosts....sure.  Not so friendly ghosts.....not so much!

A couple of years ago, Emilee started into the "I'm scared of the monster in my closet" phase, but it quickly became evident that whatever was "in the closet", was very real to her, and caused her poor little heart a significant amount of concern and even terror.  We prayed for angels, we dedicated our home, we dedicated her bedroom, we cast out evil, and Tyler even gave her a blessing every night before bed for a period of time....and still the haunting continued.  There were several nights spent in our room in a little make shift bed on the floor.  We worked tirelessly to calm a troubled heart and convince a fearful girl, that she was just fine, and that nothing was going to hurt her.......and then it happened.   

3:00 a.m. my eyes opened wide to the sound of Emilee's bedroom door knob popping.  I rolled to my back and saw the door swing wide open and then quickly shut.  I waited for her pitter patter to hurry across the hall, but nothing.  I waited.....and waited, but no sound.  No movement.  My heart started to beat furiously as I realized it was not my sweet daughter who opened the bedroom door.  My mind trying to convince my own troubled heart that everything was fine...and that nothing was going to hurt me.  I finally woke Tyler up and asked if he would go with me to check on the girls, afraid of what I might find on my own.  We quietly opened their door to find both of them sitting up in their beds wide eyed with fright and confusion!

I asked Emilee if she had opened her door, to which she replied, "No Mommy, but my walls were moving!"  What??!!!!  We gathered both of our babies and brought them to our room for the remainder of the night.

The next day things returned to normal, and night after night remained as before with complaints of fear that gradually faded away.....that is, until this week!!  On Saturday night Emilee refused to go to bed.  Her poor little heart beating fast and her squeaky little voice pleading for a house that isn't so scary!!  " I want a room that isn't so scary Mommy!"  "I know sweetheart, and someday we will have one, but for now we need to be brave, and trust Heavenly Father to take care of us.  When we are afraid we can tell Him and He will send Angels to watch over us and protect us."  

Nothing could convince our poor girl that she would be alright and we endured a long night of fearful emotion!  Tyler eventually ended up sleeping right next to her in her bed for the majority of the night!  Then last night it happened again.  I was having a difficult time sleeping, tossing and turning and feeling uncomfortable when at 1:00 a.m. on the dot, the girl's bedroom door opened up and then quickly closed, only no one came out, no one cried out.....no sound, no other movement.  I laid there awake for a good 20 minutes waiting to hear my girls, but I must have drifted off to sleep, because when Emilee cried out it was nearly 3:30 a.m.  I hurried to her side to offer my love and comfort.  She told me she was scared, and I whispered words of assurance and rubbed her little feet.  She finally gained enough courage to finish the night in her room and I went back to bed around 4:00 a.m.

I've decided that doors opening and closing in the night is not my cup o' tea!  Even if they are friendly ghosts. I prefer peaceful nights filled with sweet dreams and content babies in their cozy little beds. 

I'm trying to be brave and content with where we are, but I must admit I am hoping to live in a "not so scary" house someday myself!

I think I can....

When am I going to get it all together? 

I have been trying for my whole lifetime to make the basic things like, exercise, vitamins, prayer, scripture study, going to bed early and rising early, and keeping a clean home into habits and it feels like as soon as I get one going pretty consistently all of the others fall apart.

I'm not looking for perfection, just consistency.  I want to be able to count on myself to do what I say I am going to do....you know? 

I have a short attention span and a slow body, which is a strange combination, because my mind is busy and bustling with ideas and movement, and yet my body lags behind...way behind.  All of the fire inside only appears to be a tiny smolder when observing my daily accomplishments.

I am inpatient with how slow progression can be.  I want to be my best now!

I know I have plenty of emotional weaknesses in the mix, but today I am feeling fully aware of my physical limitations.  I want to be strong, fit, and energetic.....and yet I don't feel like I have the energy to make it happen.  I guess this is when I hit my knees and then do the best I can.  Somehow the Lord always gives me the strength to do what I don't think I can.

....than never to have loved at all

I spent a few hours in Cedar City recently, attending the bridal shower of my soon to be sister-in-law.  On our way to the shower we drove past an old apartment building.  The very same apartment building I lived in 14 years ago.  

A rush of emotion that I wasn't expecting, flowed through my heart, and suddenly, I could see my 19 year old self standing on the sidewalk watching our car drive by.

I realized that this little college town left a huge emotional mark on my life.  My short time there gave me my first introduction to living in the moment.  Somehow I was able to know and feel how amazing and meaningful my experiences were while I was experiencing them, not afterward, but right there in the middle of it all.  I think of myself with all of my insecurities and hopes.....everything that laid before me, and how excited I was to grow into myself.

I got to spend nearly every precious moment with my cousins that year.  I got to live out on my own for the very first time, and I got to feel love in a way I had never felt love.

He was a neighbor boy, and I adored him.  I laid awake at night thinking about his smile, and the way his blue eyes peered out from under the brim of his baseball cap.  He asked me questions about myself and he shared his french fries with me.  He was charming, kind and funny and my heart ached for him to love me......even just a little bit.  I think he knew, and I think a tiny part of his heart did love me, but always in a distant way.  He watched out for me, checked up on me, asked me my opinion, and I waited patiently for him to realize that I was the girl he loved more than any other girl.  Looking back now, I was so silly and young.  I wasn't ready to be that girl.  I loved, but I also pushed away.

The last time I saw him, was right before my mission.  I was visiting Cedar City, and my cousins and I made him some cookies, just like we used to.  We delivered them, and he was warm and kind and once again my heart ached.  After a while he gave me a hug and said, "I guess I'll see you in a year and a half".  When I returned home a year and a half later, I found out he was married, and once again I couldn't breath.  All of my hoping and waiting stared back at me, finally telling me the truth.  I would never be that girl....not for him.

I think it is funny that my first great love, wasn't anything more than a friend.  It wasn't some passionate love affair gone wrong.....I just simply loved him.  Something in our interactions always kept me hoping, that possibly he felt the same.  He always showed me just enough attention and emotional affection to keep me hanging on....and waiting.  I know it may seem silly, but there was something about this boy that bonded my heart to him.  I have since wondered if we are in fact bonded to some people in ways we are not able to remember.  If possibly that smile and those eyes were familiar to me before I ever met him here. 

Two nights this week I have seen him in my dreams.  I have been reminded that he is still there.  His memory still bouncing around in my heart somewhere.  

The good news is, I know how it feels to be loved.  Real reciprocated love.  My life is good and my heart is Tyler's, but sometimes the haunting begins and for a short time, I wonder where he is now, what he is doing.  I wonder if he ever loved me and just didn't know how to tell me.  I have made a few attempts to reconnect with him, but none have been answered.  And so I wonder.

Love is a much bigger thing than me, and I am so grateful to know what it feels like.  I am a feeling person, and when I love you.....I love you.  I guess it doesn't really matter if I have been loved as much as I HAVE loved.  Love can be lasting, even when it is not given back.  I have known rejection....a lot of rejection, and I think I have created more of it than I realize, but knowing love and knowing pain remind me I am alive. 

I have spent so much of my time guarding my heart over the years.  I don't want to be hurt.  I don't want to foolishly give something that isn't wanted, but the truth is love is a risky business, and at some point along the way I decided to be a risk taker. Who cares if I have to feel pain in the process.  

My discovery is that it IS better to have loved and lost, because when it comes the experience of love, there really isn't anything to lose.

Blog Stalkers Annonymous

I know I don't write on my own blog very regularly, but I'm what you might call "blog obsessed".  I could read other people's blogs all day everyday and quite honestly (and unfortunately), sometimes I do.  Food blogs, design blogs, mommy blogs, lifestyle blogs....blogs.....blogs....blogs......ahhhhh!  I love them....I love them and I need them! 

(Hanging my head) It's true..I am an addict.

It is becoming disturbingly clear that while I love and adore my babies and long to squeeze and kiss my husband, my heart (at least a significant piece of it) is almost always somewhere in the blogosphere and not here in my  home with my family where it belongs.  

As with any addiction, my blog reading has robbed me of time and slowly taken over my life.  When other people are using the computer I get antsy waiting for my turn to log in and see if NieNie has updated or what C. Jane has to say or what's cookin' with the Pioneer Woman.  It's good stuff I tell ya.....all of it!  And I must read it....every.....single.....bit of it, or I don't feel like my life is complete.

Weird.  Sad.  Pathetic.  Embarrassing.  I don't know exactly what the right word for it is, but it is time to take my life back, and so I am making my own "Blog Intervention".  I will be abstaining from all blogs, including my own and FaceBook  for 40 days.  I will only be using the computer to do banking and check my emails and things like that.  

Phew.  This is tough.  

What will I do with myself? Get something productive done for a change? Maybe complete some projects, organize my home and work more on my dreams and goals and spirituality.  What if my marriage improves and I read to my children more.....what then?  Am I going to be able to handle a life where I am the one creating and living and loving rather than reading about other people doing it?  In 40 days I'll come back and let you know!

One of my favorite scriptures says, "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." (Matthew 6:1)

My family is my treasure, and it's funny how quickly we can become distracted and out of balance if we are not careful.  All things in their proper place....that is where I am headed.  Fully invested.  Available.  Present.

The blog break starts tomorrow!  Wish me luck!

The Christmas Grump!

I was really  grouchy on Christmas day this year!  I just couldn't get into the fun and excitement.  I tried, but my heart was somewhere far away.  I felt like I wanted to burst out bawling and throw myself into bed for the remainder of the day.  I was completely lonely in a house filled with people I love and I felt like there was no one who could understand how I was feeling.

I felt burdened with weird emotions, frustrations, annoyances and hard feelings that I just couldn't shake.  The more I felt them, the angrier I got with myself for feeling so weird and for choosing Christmas day, of all days to throw my inner pity party.  It was a lame party....let me tell ya.

Just the night before I had made a personal commitment to be more grateful for all of the good and "not so good" in my life, and here I was, already feeling sorry for myself and finding it most difficult to be happy on the happiest day of the year!

Tyler dropped me off at home in the afternoon to put the girls down for their naps, and then he quickly returned to his parent's house to play games and hang out with his family!  I was trying my hardest to hold all of my emotions down, just waiting to let them burst after he shut the door, but he paused on his way out to thank me for the Christmas gift I had given him this year (which was very sweet of him), and I couldn't hold it in for another second and burst into tears!  I wouldn't even accept his offer for a hug and just told him to go.

I had a good, hard, deep cry letting out all of my sadness and bitterness.  Sadness and bitterness that had a million origins. I didn't even know all of it existed until then.  When I look back at it, I can see that it had been building up for a long time, little aches and pains in my heart that I didn't really know what to do with, so I'd just grit my teeth and try not to lash out in anger.

After my cry I just sat on the couch thinking about how I was feeling.  Why was everything hurting me like it was?  I still don't know for sure.  What I do know is that sometimes life hurts....it just does.  People are imperfect and we ourselves are imperfect, and sometimes our expectations don't line up with the desires and behavior of others.  People hurt us without even meaning to, and the unfortunate truth is some people are just a little too selfish.  It's all okay though, because we are learning.  We are all in need of repentance and forgiveness and on that day when we celebrated the birth of our Savior, I realized once again, just what he means to me.  How constantly I need him, and how all of the sadness and bitterness he took upon himself, was to allow me the choice to leave it with him, and not have to carry it all on my own.

Truly something to celebrate!

Once upon an All Hallow's Eve

The year was 1999, and I was partying it up before the new millennium arrived and the world ended, computers crashed and chaos ensued....or whatever such things we were all convinced would happen!  

Partying is a term I'm using quite loosely here though, because instead of dancing on tables and lifting drinks into the air in the throes of youthful rebellion, I was at the mall buying conservative skirt and shirt combos, sensible dressy walking shoes, and toiletries galore.  I was packing bags, tying up loose ends, and preparing to make a mark on the world....... in my own little way!  

I was going to be a missionary, and my party was a going away party.

For a year and a half I would be gone.  Gone from home and family.  Gone from television, music, shopping and hanging with friends.  In the absence of familiarity I would come to know the real purpose of life, the essence of our day to day existence, the greatest source of earthly joy.  

Love and service.  

Love of God, through service to his children.  This, my friends, is the sure route to real happiness.

And so, on October 31st 1999 I spoke my farewell to a congregation of fellow believers.  The faces of my most loved and cherished beamed up at me in acceptance of my meager offering to the world.  While the rest of the world celebrated with costumes and candy, we celebrated with family and friends.

I've decided that the real trick to growing up or gracefully maturing, is simply treating yourself to things that will give you the greatest experience!

Don't be scared of what YOU have to offer the world! No matter how small it feels....Let it shine!

Little Ballerina

I think I have found my new mantra!

"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

*George Eliot*

Sometimes I wonder why I didn't become a dancer?  I love to dance.  When I was a little girl, I used to pretend I was a ballerina. I would move my tiny arms in graceful movements. I would dip and twirl and daintily prance around the house.

Then I grew up, and I used to live for the weekend institute dances! The music was a call I could not ignore and the dance floor was my stage.  No one was watching, and it wasn't about attention.  It was about expression and it felt so good to move, and laugh, and live it up!!
 Now I hesitate to move my body that way and I can't quite figure it out.  I think it might be due to the extra pounds weighing me down.  It could be that I don't feel like myself anymore, and because of the embarrassment I feel for my bigger body, I've allowed areas of my heart and soul to wither away.  Parts that used to make me happy!

There are other things too, like...
Why didn't I ever try out for a play in high school, or stick with violin, or flute or guitar?  Why didn't I ever tell certain boys that I "liked" them?

Why wasn't I more generous, kind, outgoing and adventurous?  What could my life have been like?  What would I be like now?

I've wondered that from time to time.

I can't imagine God placing time limits and expiration dates on His dreams and goals.  Who knows how "old" he was when he created you.....or me.  I'm pretty sure he doesn't place limits on ours either.  That is usually our own doing.

I know this little ballerina is somewhere inside of me, even now.  And when I've found the love inside that doesn't judge my size, shape, age and limitations...

...I hope she'll dance again!

Mommy Monster

Emilee has entered a new phase.....a phase of perpetual fear.  Her dreams are vivid and haunting.  Some of them have lingered until real world becomes confused with dream world, and there is no convincing her that everything is going to be alright.

Sure there are plenty of things in the real world that could hurt her, but one so little shouldn't be followed around by worry and fright.  It breaks my heart to watch her lay in her bed trying to be brave with her blanket over her head as not to catch a glimpse of the scary monkey in the closet!! 

I can't help but wonder if all of this fear happens to correlate to my new phase.....the scary grumpy mommy phase.  

During the last few weeks I have had moments and even days that cause me to cringe and hang my head in shame.  Where there should be love, patience and warmth, I have shown up with screeching disapproval and reprimands.  I have snapped at the littlest of things.  I have said no, when I should have, and could have said yes and I have created a home of chaos and disorder with my selfish grumpiness!  No wonder my daughter stays awake at night worrying about all of the most frightening things her little imagination can conjure.  How can I expect her to believe my assurances when they are bumped up against my own fears and anxiety?

Last night after I tucked my precious babies into bed, I slipped away to my own bed and looked for comfort and reassurance in the only place I know how.  I prayed for strength and peace to flow into my heart.  I want to lead my daughters by example, and matching temper tantrum with temper tantrum isn't what I was intending.

I found my strength and peace in these words:

"Children rise higher when they are treated with respect.  Use courteous and respectful language when you talk with one another.  We have always had pretty clear expectations in our home about using respectful language.  One day our little granddaughter had been playing with a friend and came home quite upset about something the friend had said.  Her mother asked her what it was.  She responded, "Well, it's such a bad word I can't say it, but it was shut (point upward)!"

A world famous psychologist, Bruno Bettleheim, said at the age of eighty-four, "You can't teach children to be good.  The best you can do for your child is to live a good life yourself.  What a parent knows and believes, the child will lean on."

You don't teach a child not to hit by hitting.  We cannot expect to be respected if we treat others in demeaning ways."

Marjorie Pay Hinkley 

(one of my favorite ladies)

I know moms get grumpy.....I get that!  I know we work hard and tend to whining children and clean up messes all day.  Sometimes it can be wearing and frustrating!  What I am NOT okay with is seeing myself behave as anything but loving. 

I must say I'm relieved I woke up today!  That I am still breathing!  I'm taking it as a good sign that the Lord still trusts me to love these girls and do better today!

Becoming a Queen

In recent months, I have been fascinated with the idea of becoming. By that, I mean the idea of changing and evolving into my full potential. Into something greater than I currently am.

I have felt a need to find out what I am really doing here. It is my belief that we came from another existence where we were given a choice to come to earth. I believe that promises were made there and assignments were given. We interacted with God. I believe we are His children, and as His children we hold divinity that is beyond our comprehension. Being here on earth is part of a grand plan, the purpose of which, is to unite all of us as one eternal family and allow us the choice to return to our Father in Heaven. I have lived my entire life with these understandings, but I realize that just knowing something doesn’t mean I am really living up to my potential and purpose.

What is it then, that must be done for me to become who and what I am meant to be? Is it more about changing myself, or is it more about remembering myself? Most likely some of both.

Because these things have been on my mind a lot lately, it feels like I am at the beginning of my journey, but if I look back at my life thus far, I find that I have been on the journey all along. Becoming is simply about choices. Every choice we make sends us down the path of becoming. The question is what am I becoming?

Am I on the path to my full potential? Or am I wandering around, lost, confused, and focused on things that are nothing more than distractions.

I want to become who I am supposed to be. That is what I have decided for myself, and hopefully my choices will reflect that more often than not. Fulfilling my purpose is a very personal and sacred path, but I am all about working together to make things happen, and I’d like to include anyone and everyone who would like to help. In return I’d like to help anyone I can.

Because of all of this I have started a new blog Becoming a Queen. Through this blog I am going to share what I feel are crucial elements in this process. My hope is that others will help and contribute. I would love to interview others who are on this same quest, and who may have insight that will help me on my journey. I am excited to learn and...become.

101 things I love

1. NYC
2. the horchata at betos
3. emerald green
4. pumpkin ravioli
5. campfires
6. giggling babies
7. chocolate cake
8. "business time"
9. Bombay House
10. pretty shoes
11. rosy cheeks
12. soccer
13. long lingering kisses
14. hamburgers
15. sleeping in
16. my mom's scrambled eggs & cheese
17. love letters
18. jamba juice
19. blogging
20. "You've Got Mail"
21. feeling healthy
22. night swimming
23. date night
24. Tyler's cooking
25. cheese
26. long showers
27. fall leaves
28. twinkle lights
29. sunflowers
30. warm sweaters
31. nice smelling sheets
32. C.O. Bigelow lip gloss
33. moon rise
34. nutella
35. everything cozy
36. vintage luggage
37. shopping
38. my husband
39. sleepovers
40. mountains
41. starlight
42. foot rubs
43. good music
44. pasta
45. Jesus
46. weddings
47. my babies
48. LOVE
49. books
50. candle light
51. good news
52. day dreaming
53. Anthropologie
54. long eyelashes
55. writing
56. visiting family
57. Schwan's chocolate peanut butter ice cream
58. creativity
59. Def Leppard
60. honesty
61. power naps
62. girl's weekend
63. laughing really hard
64. jalapeno cheetos
65. motherhood
66. temple square
67. parties
68. happy people
69. lots and lots of pillows
70. tea pots
71. traditions
72. freedom
73. beautiful rooms
74. road trips
75. feeling pretty
76. donuts
77. bubble baths
78. Italy
79. cinnamon rolls
80. integrity
81. art work
82. good photography
83. soft grass
84. dancing
85. children's books
86. romantic get aways
87. chocolate milk
88. home grown tomatoes
89. travel
90. Food Network
91. card games
92. Ingrid Michaelson
93. feeling safe
94. picnics
95. "It's a Wonderful Life"
96. flower gardens
97. purses
98. alpine slide
99. spirituality
100. home
101. knowing who I am

photo taken from here

Good Morning Sunshine

Most mornings Tyler gets out of bed first. When the morning cry sounds from the room across the hall, he's the one to rescue our little ladies from their slumber, and whisk them off for some sweet daddy-daughter time before work, which means I usually get to steal a few more minutes of sleep!

Mornings are not my thing.

Before marrying me, Tyler had grand visions of us arising early, me at the stove, preparing a warm breakfast to send him on his way, my face all aglow with love and the warmth of the rising sun.

Boy, did I ever disappoint.

Most mornings you'll find me tossing in our bed, inwardly screaming...nooooooooo! I can't go on!

It is sad....so very, very sad.

I'll admit I had grand visions too! I've always wanted to be a morning person, but I struggle.

I love the comfort of my comforter. I adore the sweetness of my sheets. I long to linger on my pillow. To go on, or not to go on......that is always the question!

This is just another area where I need to change. Uggg! You know that old adage....early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise? Well, I really don't want to be left out of all that sweet action!! Health? Wealth? Wisdom? Yes please!!!

Oh the price! Can I afford it?

Hmmmmm..........it looks like it's time to stop spending my energy account on late night netflix, because, darn it all........It really is leaving me broke in the morning.

Who do I think I am?

I was sexually abused as a young girl, by my own Grandfather. Without even realizing it those experiences, along with others in my life, left me with a huge injury. What I felt was a sure knowledge that all men were selfish at the core, and given enough time, they are ALL bound to abuse your precious gift of trust.

Heavy. I know.

If this makes you squirm and feel uncomfortable, I don't blame you.....it makes me squirm and feel uncomfortable too. I have to bring it up though, because if those events had not happened, I'm afraid that the incredible experiences of this past week wouldn't have needed to happen either......and that would really be a shame.

On Monday morning I had an impression.

This was one I had received multiple times in the last few months. I had dismissed it over and over again, honestly thinking it was nothing. But on Monday morning, I acted on it......and quite honestly it has changed everything for me!!!

This week I have been forced to stand face to face with the things that have caused me to cower and ache. These things have held me captive with fear and have cultivated within my heart and spirit the absolute inability to really truly trust.

This week I looked my pain and distrust square in the eyes.......I explained that I really didn't need them hanging around anymore and then I walked away. I'll admit, it was the kind of walk where you keep looking back, and at times you really want to run back and embrace your old familiar friends....you want to, even though you know they're no good for you.

I realize none of this may make any sense to those of you reading it, but what it comes down to is that I have chosen something that I don't think I could have chosen just a few short years ago!!! I have chosen to trust, forgive, let go, and love with everything I have. In some ways it hasn't been pretty, because I've had to fight against those parts of myself that hold on to old habits and bitterness, but I know that the higher parts of myself are winning this battle.....I can see it, I can feel it.

The Lord has been close at hand this week, He has walked the halls of our home. Angels have ministered, and the details of every miracle will be documented in a less public place.

What I really wanted to share here though, for anyone it may help, is this......Whoever you think you are and whatever you believe about yourself, is most likely untrue. I dare say that you are far greater and much more capable than you imagine. When you feel paralyzed by those things that you fear or resent, or you feel stuck in a constant spiral of trying and failing...........don't you dare give up!!! I am certain that there will come a day you will be faced with a choice. You can look up at where you are headed and decide that there is too much pain involved if you are ever going to make it, or you can look back at this mountain we are all climbing and realize just how far you have come.

The extremely personal events of this past week, are not singular to my life alone......we are all given the chance to change from who we think we are into what we really are. Powerful children of a loving God.

Believe it. It is true.

Swifter, Higher, Stronger

Several times in the last two years, I have taken a long long look at the beauty that surrounds me! I feel a great sense of gratitude and peace when I contemplate my life and all that it has become, but there are also moments where I wonder what I have gotten myself into. Let's be honest.....being a mom is hard.

Motherhood is a race that I am winning time and time again. By winning, I don't mean that it is always accomplished gracefully or that it is even how I intend it to be....I mean that at the end of the day, be it long and tiring, or filled with light and happiness, I get to stand on the winner's platform with my hard earned metal proudly resting near my heart. I get to close my eyes and hear the anthem of my home play in the laughter of my children. These kinds of metals are hard earned....they are fought for in the battles of daily life. Motherhood is far more magnificent than we realize.

It is heart breaking and heart building.

Making it through another day of messes, whining, near choking disasters, spills, crying, messes, short naps, teething, sticky fingers, bad dreams, messes, tantrums etc......makes me a winner! We can't hang our heads in shame when we come out of it with our heart's still in tact and our homes still standing. We get to create lives, mold lives.....and sometimes even save lives!

We are hero's.....all of us.

Tomorrow will be another starting line....another stretch....another wait for another chance.....another win.

CraziBeautiful

It's Monday! We had a wonderful weekend full of family and celebration! I'll post more about that soon!

I'm really excited for a new opportunity that I've been given to be a Contributing Editor over at www.crazibeautiful.com! I will be contributing to their "Honoring Womanhood" section.

You can check me out HERE!

Spoiler Alert

I've been thinking a lot about my behavior as a mother. I've been pondering and wondering about the whole idea of "spoiling" a child.

When my sister's baby girl was born, she brought her out to the desert(where I live),and for a couple of days I got to hold her and love her and breath in her glorious freshness. She was perfect and so dependent on those of us who adored her and held her fragile, little roly-poly body.

One of our well meaning relatives kept saying we needed to stop holding her so much. We were warned that holding her all of the time was spoiling her, and soon she would expect to be held all of the time!

Something about that didn't settle well with me. I couldn't figure it out. I had heard things like that all of my life, and for the most part, I agreed. Nobody likes a "spoiled child", and I certainly didn't want my precious niece labeled in that way, but, somewhere inside of myself I knew that there was no way to "spoil" a child with love. It just wasn't possible.

In order to spoil, or ruin a person I think neglect has to be involved. If we are neglecting our responsibility to teach our children morals, manners, boundaries, rules, common sense....things like that, then we are spoiling them.

In our home we bounce on beds, jump on couches, take long abundant bubble baths! We make big messes! We sing and play and make lots of noise. Treats are handed out almost daily! Silly, frivolous requests are granted. Baby cheeks are kissed until they are chappy and because of this.....happiness abounds!

To those gasping in horror, I do recognize that there is a balance required. I am teaching Emilee that while we may jump on couches at home, grandma or the neighbor may not allow the same behavior and that must always be respected. Sometimes I fear we don't realize how capable they are of learning the difference. They ARE children, so of course they will test boundaries, but that is where the teaching comes in. When I consider giving my girls something, or allowing a certain behavior I try to weigh whether or not it will really harm them, if not, then I usually allow it. I am learning when to say no.....and trying a lot harder to say yes!

Life is an opportunity to experience things.....why limit the experiences just because we don't want children to demand or expect more of them? Besides, I don't see anything wrong with expecting the things we want out of life!!

When I think about the generosity of my Heavenly Father, I realize that giving our children things that make them happy is a good thing! He knows all about my favorite things and has given me many great opportunities that mean a lot to me and enrich my life! Because of this, I feel taken care of and loved.....I trust him to care and listen and grant me my righteous and sometimes even frivolous desires. His generosity brings great happiness and contentment to my life and my spirit!

These are just MY thoughts.....every mother gets the opportunity to chose the way they will mother their children. I just don't want to promote the idea that creating happiness and love, is spoiling a child. As long as giving is accompanied with teaching we are enriching children....not spoiling them.

I love this quote by Marjorie Hinkley:

"My mother taught me some basic philosophies of rearing children. One is that you have to trust children. I tried hard never to say "no" if I could possibly say "yes." I think that worked well because it gave my children the feeling that I trusted them and they were responsible to do the best they could."

As the cliche goes....Life is short! Don't spoil your children....enrich them! Just say YES!