Saturday, September 26, 2015

Uncomfortable Reality Checks

Uncomfortable reality checks (random information about myself that will probably make you all uncomfortable):

1. I have gained close to 50 lbs. since I moved to Springville. 50 LBS!!! I was about 30 lbs. overweight when I moved here, so this is not the direction I want to be going. The 20 year old me would have died of horrified shame by now. The good news is, I love myself more now than I did when I was 20. The thing that makes me sad and frustrated is that being this overweight is really hard work. I am literally carrying around an extra 80 lbs. everywhere I go. It makes everything harder...and its lame.

2. I have become a loner. Sure, I have friends, but not the kind you call just to chat about stuff, hang out and let your kids play together, go out for lunch, etc. I wonder how this has happened? I used to have friends like this. Is it marriage? life? kids? 80 lb. weight gain? maybe I'm a little too zealous about stuff and I scare people away? Perhaps I'm super awkward?
Like my sweet daughter said one day after experiencing a rough day at school, "I feel like I fit out".

3. I am an easy quitter. I don't like that about myself, but it is true. I am probably the most inconsistent person I know. I have also been tired for as long as I can remember. I am trying to decide if I am unmotivated and inconsistent because I am so tired, or am I so tired because I am unmotivated and inconsistent. Vicious cycle?

4. I am a horrible and inconsistent (see, there it is again) visiting teacher. I am also in a church calling where I should be an example in that area, so that's really uncomfortable for me.

5. The sweetest, most rewarding and most difficult relationships I have are with my husband and children. They are the perfect challenge for me, just as they should be. That is not the reality check. The reality check is this: I have become a super grumpy mamma/wife. Instead of rising to the challenges, I am walking around with an irritated chip on my shoulder. Oh man....this little chip is feisty, and it jumps at every opportunity to make it's presence known.

6. It is becoming more and more clear that I am not myself anymore. Where did I go? Why have I been hiding? I have really been looking closely at myself (hence this list of uncomfortable reality checks ;)), and I can see I am in serious need of repentance, forgiveness, and reaching out of myself. I have accepted callings, relationships, and responsibilities because I truly want to love and be of service. In fact, I want my new motto to be, "If you are in my path, you're gonna get loved" (to zealous?). Unfortunately, I cannot do that in the state I am in.

Reality check. I'm being lame. I need help.
Okay, Lord. Let's do this.