Thursday, September 29, 2011

"Shout, Shout Let it all OUT"

I am a picky reader.  I read less for entertainment, and more for education, self-improvement, inspiration, and for that certain thing that tugs at my heart and reminds me that everything I want to experience is available for the choosing!

I have read very few novels in my lifetime.  Mostly just the ones required in English classes.  The main reason for my fictional attention deficit, is my yearning for direction and purpose.  I am not suggesting that those things can't be found in novels....I'm sure they are there, but I prefer instruction and examples of what is possible through the experiences of those who have won the victory.....who have really lived it.

The problem is, I soak up every word and then set the completed book upon my crowded shelf, my mind brimming with hope and a heart stretched with determination, and then walk right back into a life of habit and "less than stellar" results.

I hate to complain here on my blog, but I kind of think of this familiar screen as a dear friend who will always hear me out.  Oh computer...if only you could reassure me that someday I will figure it all out.  Sometimes I need you to patiently pat my hand while I hang my head and cry it out.  Instead, I just type out my frustrations and allow you to hold on to them for me and keep them for future reflection and evidence of just how far I've come.

If you really must know, I am feeling tormented by my inclination to give up when things get hard or uncomfortable.  You see, I am trying to start a business.  My desire with this business is to show women how to see and believe in their own beauty, and quite frankly I am having the most difficult time living what I'm teaching.  Right now it is feeling impossible to see past the extra 50 lbs. I'm carrying around.  It is all I can see right now.  I know the beauty is there, and I'm tired of believing that I have to be a certain weight in order to be beautiful.  I thought I was past all of this....I wrote a whole book about it in fact - a book that I am hoping other woman can use to pull themselves out of this very place I am sitting in now.  

Sometimes I feel like a fraud.

Am I a fraud?  I really hope not.  I would like to believe that I am just a real woman, with real struggles and real inspiration and real triumphs.  Today, I might be feeling like throwing a pity party (you know how I love a good party)...and believe me, I do...but I haven't come this far to fall right back into the "I'm not good enough" way of thinking!  Even as an overweight woman, beauty is mine to claim.  That is what I really believe.


Please send positive thoughts my way!  I'm lacking a little bit of confidence right now.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.


Friday, September 16, 2011


This last month I have been on the go!  
I've had an event that required traveling for the past four weekends in a row, and three of those weekends I was on my own.

  I spent several quiet hours in the car, all alone without any distractions.  I thought I would spend the time listening to music or talks, but as it turned out I spent the time talking to God.  

I poured out every ounce of my heart.  I thanked Him for all of the exciting things happening in my life.  I told him about my progress.  I divulged my weaknesses and worries, and told him how grateful I am for the love and support that surround me, even when I feel alone.  I asked Him for help,and I shared my desire to better recognize His voice in my life.

I pictured Him there next to me in the passenger seat, and He carefully listened to everything I had to say.

The most amazing part was when I realized that I could actually hear His voice.  Or was I feeling it?  It's difficult to say, because He speaks in a whisper.  A whisper that comes from every direction and completely engages your senses.  I'm finding that it really is true.  If we want to recognize His voice, we just need to be quiet.

I know that He knows me.  

There is no doubt about that, and this month of insight and inspiration has reminded me that it's in the seeking to know Him that we discover the happiness we've been looking for in all the wrong places.