Monday, December 27, 2010

The Christmas Grump!

I was really  grouchy on Christmas day this year!  I just couldn't get into the fun and excitement.  I tried, but my heart was somewhere far away.  I felt like I wanted to burst out bawling and throw myself into bed for the remainder of the day.  I was completely lonely in a house filled with people I love and I felt like there was no one who could understand how I was feeling.

I felt burdened with weird emotions, frustrations, annoyances and hard feelings that I just couldn't shake.  The more I felt them, the angrier I got with myself for feeling so weird and for choosing Christmas day, of all days to throw my inner pity party.  It was a lame party....let me tell ya.

Just the night before I had made a personal commitment to be more grateful for all of the good and "not so good" in my life, and here I was, already feeling sorry for myself and finding it most difficult to be happy on the happiest day of the year!

Tyler dropped me off at home in the afternoon to put the girls down for their naps, and then he quickly returned to his parent's house to play games and hang out with his family!  I was trying my hardest to hold all of my emotions down, just waiting to let them burst after he shut the door, but he paused on his way out to thank me for the Christmas gift I had given him this year (which was very sweet of him), and I couldn't hold it in for another second and burst into tears!  I wouldn't even accept his offer for a hug and just told him to go.

I had a good, hard, deep cry letting out all of my sadness and bitterness.  Sadness and bitterness that had a million origins. I didn't even know all of it existed until then.  When I look back at it, I can see that it had been building up for a long time, little aches and pains in my heart that I didn't really know what to do with, so I'd just grit my teeth and try not to lash out in anger.
After my cry I just sat on the couch thinking about how I was feeling.  Why was everything hurting me like it was?  I still don't know for sure.  What I do know is that sometimes life just does.  People are imperfect and we ourselves are imperfect, and sometimes our expectations don't line up with the desires and behavior of others.  People hurt us without even meaning to, and the unfortunate truth is some people are just a little too selfish.  It's all okay though, because we are learning.  We are all in need of repentance and forgiveness and on that day when we celebrated the birth of our Savior, I realized once again, just what he means to me.  How constantly I need him, and how all of the sadness and bitterness he took upon himself, was to allow me the choice to leave it with him, and not have to carry it all on my own.

Truly something to celebrate!


  1. Wow I'm sorry you had such a hard Christmas day! Sometimes Christmas can be some of the hardest times. I'm glad you came through it so well remembering the Savior's love for you. Love to you from me!

  2. Thank you Julianne! I really appreciate your love and concern. I am still feeling a lot of those dark and heavy feelings, and I'm wondering if it is just a form of opposition to the progress I am trying to make in my life. I am so grateful for the atonement! I know in time this will pass.

  3. I'm sorry Michelle! I had no idea you were feeling that way. Is there anything I can do to help? I love you!

  4. My dear sweet Michelle, My heart was hurting for you as I read this very real and very honest blog. You are such a light in our family and you have brought so much joy to my life. Sometimes we dont' realize how much someone else is hurting when we are just too busy. I was that day. You looked very lovely that day too--I remember, but I am sure I didn't tell you because I was too much into directing of all of the doings. Please know how much I love you and appreicate you as my friend, my daughter and my sister. Tyler is so blessed to have you has his wife and partner. And your little ones are very blessed to have such a wonderful nuturing mother--who has her bad days like all of us. I love you, your other Mom

  5. Mom! Thank you for your kind and loving words! I love you and feel so blessed to have a mother-in-law I can share my life with. Please don't feel badly about not being aware. You have extended your love and concern on my behalf over and over again, and I certainly did not feel neglected.
    Bad days come and go, and luckily I am back to feeling more like myself! My life is so blessed and I have so much to be grateful for!