I was really grouchy on Christmas day this year! I just couldn't get into the fun and excitement. I tried, but my heart was somewhere far away. I felt like I wanted to burst out bawling and throw myself into bed for the remainder of the day. I was completely lonely in a house filled with people I love and I felt like there was no one who could understand how I was feeling.
I felt burdened with weird emotions, frustrations, annoyances and hard feelings that I just couldn't shake. The more I felt them, the angrier I got with myself for feeling so weird and for choosing Christmas day, of all days to throw my inner pity party. It was a lame party....let me tell ya.
Just the night before I had made a personal commitment to be more grateful for all of the good and "not so good" in my life, and here I was, already feeling sorry for myself and finding it most difficult to be happy on the happiest day of the year!
Tyler dropped me off at home in the afternoon to put the girls down for their naps, and then he quickly returned to his parent's house to play games and hang out with his family! I was trying my hardest to hold all of my emotions down, just waiting to let them burst after he shut the door, but he paused on his way out to thank me for the Christmas gift I had given him this year (which was very sweet of him), and I couldn't hold it in for another second and burst into tears! I wouldn't even accept his offer for a hug and just told him to go.
I had a good, hard, deep cry letting out all of my sadness and bitterness. Sadness and bitterness that had a million origins. I didn't even know all of it existed until then. When I look back at it, I can see that it had been building up for a long time, little aches and pains in my heart that I didn't really know what to do with, so I'd just grit my teeth and try not to lash out in anger.
After my cry I just sat on the couch thinking about how I was feeling. Why was everything hurting me like it was? I still don't know for sure. What I do know is that sometimes life hurts....it just does. People are imperfect and we ourselves are imperfect, and sometimes our expectations don't line up with the desires and behavior of others. People hurt us without even meaning to, and the unfortunate truth is some people are just a little too selfish. It's all okay though, because we are learning. We are all in need of repentance and forgiveness and on that day when we celebrated the birth of our Savior, I realized once again, just what he means to me. How constantly I need him, and how all of the sadness and bitterness he took upon himself, was to allow me the choice to leave it with him, and not have to carry it all on my own.
Truly something to celebrate!