Monday, February 1, 2010

What would I do without You?

This last week has been hard for me. So HARD. I was going along just fine when all at once I stumbled upon THIS BLOG and began living my worst fear! This makes it sound like I ran into a horrible blog.....but that is not so. This blog is beautiful, and inspiring, but unfortunately, about a family who lost their sweet little daughter a couple of years ago. She was the exact age Emilee is now when they lost her. She was taken so unexpectedly on a beautiful spring day, when she choked on an apple of all things!

As I read the story, and followed their journey of healing and survival, something happened to my heart! It broke into a million gazillion little pieces. I have never been through anything like this! I felt as though I was reading about the loss of my own two year old daughter. So many things about little Lucy echoed the personality and traits of Emilee. Her love of dancing, her energy, her light, her golden locks, and big eyes.

I was haunted.

Since the day of Emilee's birth, I have worried about losing her, and now Adeline as well. I sometimes think my concerns are a little on the unhealthy side, and I have really tried to put my trust in the Lord, and turn my fear into faith. It is something I have no control over......and yet I worry!

All week I was in mourning....mourning the "what if". Seeing Emilee playing and going about her day felt like nothing more than memories going through my mind. I would bawl and miss her.....even though she was right there in my arms. I told you it was weird! I seriously don't know what was going on.....I was completely miserable.

I thought to myself, "This is ridiculous! Stop worrying about things that haven't even happened!! Stop grieving the loss of a child who is alive and well for heaven's sake! I seriously wonder if I would make it through something like that! When you love a child with your whole soul, and every cell of your body, your heart, and your energy have been invested in do you possibly go on?

Wow! I hope you all don't think I've gone crazy......unless I really have, which in that case....notify the authorities and get me some help!!!

I really think what I went through last week was a combination of hormones, and a release of pent up emotion and negative energy I really needed to get out of my system!! It was a very strange and emotional ride for me. In the end it made me so grateful for my reality. My girls are very much alive!! They are healthy and there is really no room for fear.....not here!

Who knows what I may be required to face and endure! The Lord knows....and that is good enough for me. I know He will help me through all things.

Vic Jackson, who is Lucy's father, said (and I am paraphrasing) that when we face our worst fear we may find that our fears were unfounded. It's often not the fear of loss, but more a fear of whether or not we can survive that loss. Once you are in the midst of loss, you find that even though your pain is thick and will someday fade, and you WILL survive!

I have the utmost respect and reverence for any parent who has lost a child, including my in-laws who lost a daughter at just 18 months old. My feelings are VERY tender when it comes to this subject (obviously), and the moral to my week of self inflicted sadness each it fully and unconditionally....and do it now......right now is all we are guaranteed, so don't waste it!

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