Emilee has entered a new phase.....a phase of perpetual fear. Her dreams are vivid and haunting. Some of them have lingered until real world becomes confused with dream world, and there is no convincing her that everything is going to be alright.
Sure there are plenty of things in the real world that could hurt her, but one so little shouldn't be followed around by worry and fright. It breaks my heart to watch her lay in her bed trying to be brave with her blanket over her head as not to catch a glimpse of the scary monkey in the closet!!
I can't help but wonder if all of this fear happens to correlate to my new phase.....the scary grumpy mommy phase.
During the last few weeks I have had moments and even days that cause me to cringe and hang my head in shame. Where there should be love, patience and warmth, I have shown up with screeching disapproval and reprimands. I have snapped at the littlest of things. I have said no, when I should have, and could have said yes and I have created a home of chaos and disorder with my selfish grumpiness! No wonder my daughter stays awake at night worrying about all of the most frightening things her little imagination can conjure. How can I expect her to believe my assurances when they are bumped up against my own fears and anxiety?
Last night after I tucked my precious babies into bed, I slipped away to my own bed and looked for comfort and reassurance in the only place I know how. I prayed for strength and peace to flow into my heart. I want to lead my daughters by example, and matching temper tantrum with temper tantrum isn't what I was intending.
I found my strength and peace in these words:
"Children rise higher when they are treated with respect. Use courteous and respectful language when you talk with one another. We have always had pretty clear expectations in our home about using respectful language. One day our little granddaughter had been playing with a friend and came home quite upset about something the friend had said. Her mother asked her what it was. She responded, "Well, it's such a bad word I can't say it, but it was shut (point upward)!"
A world famous psychologist, Bruno Bettleheim, said at the age of eighty-four, "You can't teach children to be good. The best you can do for your child is to live a good life yourself. What a parent knows and believes, the child will lean on."
You don't teach a child not to hit by hitting. We cannot expect to be respected if we treat others in demeaning ways."
Marjorie Pay Hinkley
(one of my favorite ladies)
I know moms get grumpy.....I get that! I know we work hard and tend to whining children and clean up messes all day. Sometimes it can be wearing and frustrating! What I am NOT okay with is seeing myself behave as anything but loving.
I must say I'm relieved I woke up today! That I am still breathing! I'm taking it as a good sign that the Lord still trusts me to love these girls and do better today!
