Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Let me share an interesting tidbit of personal information. I have really struggled in my life to do anything hard!
I am certain when I got married back in December of 2005, a self inflicted boundary of difficulty was finally crossed. You see, getting married was a very, very hard step for me! As a little girl and a teenage girl I wasn't aware of my deep lurking fear of marriage. To this day, I'm not entirely sure why I was so afraid of something I really wanted and needed in my life. When Tyler and I were dating, I dreaded the mention of marriage, and it wasn't only with him.....if I dated anyone who seemed interested in marrying me, I would turn ill. Literally.
I would stew and fret, and my stomach would get all tied up in knots. I would have feverish dreams of being married to someone and not be happy about it, and feel trapped and overwhelmed and miserable. I think it came down to trust issues as well as worrying to much about all of the "what if's".
Tyler and I talked about marriage for a long time and to quote myself "I just couldn't do it"!
I was most miserable....loving Tyler and not wanting to lose him, but feeling crippled by my fears and thus stuck in a very sad place.
Not long before I took the plunge, Tyler was talking with his bishop about our predicament. His loving and inspired bishop said that if we know marriage is good and even the right thing for us, we should do it. There are special blessings we receive when we obey this commandment, and then he promised Tyler that someday my fears would go away and would be replaced with love.
Somehow that promise set me free!! Though I was still unsure in many ways, I knew that it was the right thing and I tried so hard to put my trust in the Lord.
On December 17, 2005 with knots in my stomach and a shaky faith, I knelt across the altar in the Salt Lake Temple and made promises to stick with Tyler for eternity!! I was happy....and terrified, but I did it!!!!
Victory over my fears. Victory over the nay-sayers. Victory over opposition. Victory over myself!
Now, four years later, my fears of marriage are completely gone and my heart is full of love.
I am teaching myself that hard things are completely possible for me!! I am working on the weakest parts of myself now. Baby steps.
I am a mother now....hard. I am trying to be a good housekeeper.....hard. I am trying not to misjudge people....hard. I am trying to start good habits and get rid of the bad...hard. I am trying not to be so hard on myself....hard.
The point of all this is that I am not so afraid of hard things anymore. I know I can do anything....anything! It feels good.