Happy Birthday to Me

Today I complete my 33rd year of life, and I must say that right here in the middle of life; you know....the day to day of things, it often appears to be nothing more than a bunch of squiggly lines and random flecks of color splashed around all messy and out of order.  Thankfully, over the years I have been able to step back from the chaos only to find that all of those lines and flecks actually make up something incredible. A bigger picture that makes perfect sense. 

Of course pain has been present through the years, drumming on my heart with its rapid beat of growth, and yet I have lived moment after beautiful moment wondering how God could possibly be so good to me.

Obviously He knows my heart.

He knows exactly what to do to make my life beautiful and meaningful, and in my constant quest of faith through fear, He has always shown me that He is there with this generous gift of life, and all it has in store.

I love that we celebrate the day we are born!  The beginning of our story, and every chapter along the way!

Flowery & Wise

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am writing a book!  This is huge for me, and scary, and satisfying, and intimidating, and a million other things. 

It has become evident that I am addicted to flowery words.  This is a problem because flowery writing has to be tamed when writing a REAL book.  It might be okay for my own personal journal, or maybe even this little blog, but the printed word, bound and ready for purchase....has to be more grounded.

I am a dreamer!  Just last night I was told that I live with my head in the clouds.  I suppose it is true, but amid all of my "daydreamy-ness", I actually know a thing or two about life.  A thing or two worth sharing, and my hope is that the truth and wisdom I carry in my deepest depths will tame my flowery heart, and what will eventually come out of this work, will be a little piece of me....the perfect blend of rose colored wisdom.

Something Creeps About the House

I remember huddling deep down in my covers while my best friend slept peacefully nearby.  It was a sleepover at her house, and she always had incredible stories of haunting and ghostly sightings that thrilled my senses and tormented my sleep!  I would lay awake forever after her stories, scanning the room for my own unearthly sightings. I have always been intrigued at the thought of spirits walking our halls and visiting us from time to time, but I am not at all excited by scary movies or books and I could most certainly do without anything creepy walking the halls of my home.  Friendly ghosts....sure.  Not so friendly ghosts.....not so much!

A couple of years ago, Emilee started into the "I'm scared of the monster in my closet" phase, but it quickly became evident that whatever was "in the closet", was very real to her, and caused her poor little heart a significant amount of concern and even terror.  We prayed for angels, we dedicated our home, we dedicated her bedroom, we cast out evil, and Tyler even gave her a blessing every night before bed for a period of time....and still the haunting continued.  There were several nights spent in our room in a little make shift bed on the floor.  We worked tirelessly to calm a troubled heart and convince a fearful girl, that she was just fine, and that nothing was going to hurt her.......and then it happened.   

3:00 a.m. my eyes opened wide to the sound of Emilee's bedroom door knob popping.  I rolled to my back and saw the door swing wide open and then quickly shut.  I waited for her pitter patter to hurry across the hall, but nothing.  I waited.....and waited, but no sound.  No movement.  My heart started to beat furiously as I realized it was not my sweet daughter who opened the bedroom door.  My mind trying to convince my own troubled heart that everything was fine...and that nothing was going to hurt me.  I finally woke Tyler up and asked if he would go with me to check on the girls, afraid of what I might find on my own.  We quietly opened their door to find both of them sitting up in their beds wide eyed with fright and confusion!

I asked Emilee if she had opened her door, to which she replied, "No Mommy, but my walls were moving!"  What??!!!!  We gathered both of our babies and brought them to our room for the remainder of the night.

The next day things returned to normal, and night after night remained as before with complaints of fear that gradually faded away.....that is, until this week!!  On Saturday night Emilee refused to go to bed.  Her poor little heart beating fast and her squeaky little voice pleading for a house that isn't so scary!!  " I want a room that isn't so scary Mommy!"  "I know sweetheart, and someday we will have one, but for now we need to be brave, and trust Heavenly Father to take care of us.  When we are afraid we can tell Him and He will send Angels to watch over us and protect us."  

Nothing could convince our poor girl that she would be alright and we endured a long night of fearful emotion!  Tyler eventually ended up sleeping right next to her in her bed for the majority of the night!  Then last night it happened again.  I was having a difficult time sleeping, tossing and turning and feeling uncomfortable when at 1:00 a.m. on the dot, the girl's bedroom door opened up and then quickly closed, only no one came out, no one cried out.....no sound, no other movement.  I laid there awake for a good 20 minutes waiting to hear my girls, but I must have drifted off to sleep, because when Emilee cried out it was nearly 3:30 a.m.  I hurried to her side to offer my love and comfort.  She told me she was scared, and I whispered words of assurance and rubbed her little feet.  She finally gained enough courage to finish the night in her room and I went back to bed around 4:00 a.m.

I've decided that doors opening and closing in the night is not my cup o' tea!  Even if they are friendly ghosts. I prefer peaceful nights filled with sweet dreams and content babies in their cozy little beds. 

I'm trying to be brave and content with where we are, but I must admit I am hoping to live in a "not so scary" house someday myself!

I think I can....

When am I going to get it all together? 

I have been trying for my whole lifetime to make the basic things like, exercise, vitamins, prayer, scripture study, going to bed early and rising early, and keeping a clean home into habits and it feels like as soon as I get one going pretty consistently all of the others fall apart.

I'm not looking for perfection, just consistency.  I want to be able to count on myself to do what I say I am going to do....you know? 

I have a short attention span and a slow body, which is a strange combination, because my mind is busy and bustling with ideas and movement, and yet my body lags behind...way behind.  All of the fire inside only appears to be a tiny smolder when observing my daily accomplishments.

I am inpatient with how slow progression can be.  I want to be my best now!

I know I have plenty of emotional weaknesses in the mix, but today I am feeling fully aware of my physical limitations.  I want to be strong, fit, and energetic.....and yet I don't feel like I have the energy to make it happen.  I guess this is when I hit my knees and then do the best I can.  Somehow the Lord always gives me the strength to do what I don't think I can.