Thursday, September 29, 2011

"Shout, Shout Let it all OUT"

I am a picky reader.  I read less for entertainment, and more for education, self-improvement, inspiration, and for that certain thing that tugs at my heart and reminds me that everything I want to experience is available for the choosing!

I have read very few novels in my lifetime.  Mostly just the ones required in English classes.  The main reason for my fictional attention deficit, is my yearning for direction and purpose.  I am not suggesting that those things can't be found in novels....I'm sure they are there, but I prefer instruction and examples of what is possible through the experiences of those who have won the victory.....who have really lived it.

The problem is, I soak up every word and then set the completed book upon my crowded shelf, my mind brimming with hope and a heart stretched with determination, and then walk right back into a life of habit and "less than stellar" results.

I hate to complain here on my blog, but I kind of think of this familiar screen as a dear friend who will always hear me out.  Oh computer...if only you could reassure me that someday I will figure it all out.  Sometimes I need you to patiently pat my hand while I hang my head and cry it out.  Instead, I just type out my frustrations and allow you to hold on to them for me and keep them for future reflection and evidence of just how far I've come.

If you really must know, I am feeling tormented by my inclination to give up when things get hard or uncomfortable.  You see, I am trying to start a business.  My desire with this business is to show women how to see and believe in their own beauty, and quite frankly I am having the most difficult time living what I'm teaching.  Right now it is feeling impossible to see past the extra 50 lbs. I'm carrying around.  It is all I can see right now.  I know the beauty is there, and I'm tired of believing that I have to be a certain weight in order to be beautiful.  I thought I was past all of this....I wrote a whole book about it in fact - a book that I am hoping other woman can use to pull themselves out of this very place I am sitting in now.  

Sometimes I feel like a fraud.

Am I a fraud?  I really hope not.  I would like to believe that I am just a real woman, with real struggles and real inspiration and real triumphs.  Today, I might be feeling like throwing a pity party (you know how I love a good party)...and believe me, I do...but I haven't come this far to fall right back into the "I'm not good enough" way of thinking!  Even as an overweight woman, beauty is mine to claim.  That is what I really believe.


Please send positive thoughts my way!  I'm lacking a little bit of confidence right now.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.


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