Seeing Beauty at Last

I gave myself a gift. I let myself be pampered.  I gave myself love and encouragement, and I captured a magical moment in time.  A time when I decided to believe I was beautiful!  The good news is, it worked.  The reflection of that belief was captured in photographs.  Evidence of my belief, and of my beauty.

I am not saying all this to boast, or compare myself to anyone else.  I am saying this because I feel victorious and I want you to celebrate with me! I also say this because I have decided that every girl needs to dress up once in a while, get her hair and make-up done and then get some photos taken!

A good photo can show us something we often refuse to see...that there is a bigger picture of who we are and what we are all about.  We are incredible.  We are powerful.  We are divine, and we are worth it!

When we choose to believe it and embrace it...angels rally around us and lift us to that elusive place of surrender and love.

A big thank you to my loving mother Carolyn, my amazing sister Amber, my beautiful sister-in-law Jenny, Jamie at the M.A.C. counter, and the darling and incredible Heather Telford for introducing me to myself in a whole new light!  Love you ladies...Muwwah!

"Shout, Shout Let it all OUT"

I am a picky reader.  I read less for entertainment, and more for education, self-improvement, inspiration, and for that certain thing that tugs at my heart and reminds me that everything I want to experience is available for the choosing!

I have read very few novels in my lifetime.  Mostly just the ones required in English classes.  The main reason for my fictional attention deficit, is my yearning for direction and purpose.  I am not suggesting that those things can't be found in novels....I'm sure they are there, but I prefer instruction and examples of what is possible through the experiences of those who have won the victory.....who have really lived it.

The problem is, I soak up every word and then set the completed book upon my crowded shelf, my mind brimming with hope and a heart stretched with determination, and then walk right back into a life of habit and "less than stellar" results.

I hate to complain here on my blog, but I kind of think of this familiar screen as a dear friend who will always hear me out.  Oh computer...if only you could reassure me that someday I will figure it all out.  Sometimes I need you to patiently pat my hand while I hang my head and cry it out.  Instead, I just type out my frustrations and allow you to hold on to them for me and keep them for future reflection and evidence of just how far I've come.

If you really must know, I am feeling tormented by my inclination to give up when things get hard or uncomfortable.  You see, I am trying to start a business.  My desire with this business is to show women how to see and believe in their own beauty, and quite frankly I am having the most difficult time living what I'm teaching.  Right now it is feeling impossible to see past the extra 50 lbs. I'm carrying around.  It is all I can see right now.  I know the beauty is there, and I'm tired of believing that I have to be a certain weight in order to be beautiful.  I thought I was past all of this....I wrote a whole book about it in fact - a book that I am hoping other woman can use to pull themselves out of this very place I am sitting in now.  

Sometimes I feel like a fraud.

Am I a fraud?  I really hope not.  I would like to believe that I am just a real woman, with real struggles and real inspiration and real triumphs.  Today, I might be feeling like throwing a pity party (you know how I love a good party)...and believe me, I do...but I haven't come this far to fall right back into the "I'm not good enough" way of thinking!  Even as an overweight woman, beauty is mine to claim.  That is what I really believe.

*humph*

Please send positive thoughts my way!  I'm lacking a little bit of confidence right now.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

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Inspiration

This last month I have been on the go!  

I've had an event that required traveling for the past four weekends in a row, and three of those weekends I was on my own.

  I spent several quiet hours in the car, all alone without any distractions.  I thought I would spend the time listening to music or talks, but as it turned out I spent the time talking to God.  

I poured out every ounce of my heart.  I thanked Him for all of the exciting things happening in my life.  I told him about my progress.  I divulged my weaknesses and worries, and told him how grateful I am for the love and support that surround me, even when I feel alone.  I asked Him for help,and I shared my desire to better recognize His voice in my life.

I pictured Him there next to me in the passenger seat, and He carefully listened to everything I had to say.

The most amazing part was when I realized that I could actually hear His voice.  Or was I feeling it?  It's difficult to say, because He speaks in a whisper.  A whisper that comes from every direction and completely engages your senses.  I'm finding that it really is true.  If we want to recognize His voice, we just need to be quiet.

I know that He knows me.  

There is no doubt about that, and this month of insight and inspiration has reminded me that it's in the seeking to know Him that we discover the happiness we've been looking for in all the wrong places.

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Happy Birthday to Me

Today I complete my 33rd year of life, and I must say that right here in the middle of life; you know....the day to day of things, it often appears to be nothing more than a bunch of squiggly lines and random flecks of color splashed around all messy and out of order.  Thankfully, over the years I have been able to step back from the chaos only to find that all of those lines and flecks actually make up something incredible. A bigger picture that makes perfect sense. 

Of course pain has been present through the years, drumming on my heart with its rapid beat of growth, and yet I have lived moment after beautiful moment wondering how God could possibly be so good to me.

Obviously He knows my heart.

He knows exactly what to do to make my life beautiful and meaningful, and in my constant quest of faith through fear, He has always shown me that He is there with this generous gift of life, and all it has in store.

I love that we celebrate the day we are born!  The beginning of our story, and every chapter along the way!

Flowery & Wise

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am writing a book!  This is huge for me, and scary, and satisfying, and intimidating, and a million other things. 

It has become evident that I am addicted to flowery words.  This is a problem because flowery writing has to be tamed when writing a REAL book.  It might be okay for my own personal journal, or maybe even this little blog, but the printed word, bound and ready for purchase....has to be more grounded.

I am a dreamer!  Just last night I was told that I live with my head in the clouds.  I suppose it is true, but amid all of my "daydreamy-ness", I actually know a thing or two about life.  A thing or two worth sharing, and my hope is that the truth and wisdom I carry in my deepest depths will tame my flowery heart, and what will eventually come out of this work, will be a little piece of me....the perfect blend of rose colored wisdom.

Something Creeps About the House

I remember huddling deep down in my covers while my best friend slept peacefully nearby.  It was a sleepover at her house, and she always had incredible stories of haunting and ghostly sightings that thrilled my senses and tormented my sleep!  I would lay awake forever after her stories, scanning the room for my own unearthly sightings. I have always been intrigued at the thought of spirits walking our halls and visiting us from time to time, but I am not at all excited by scary movies or books and I could most certainly do without anything creepy walking the halls of my home.  Friendly ghosts....sure.  Not so friendly ghosts.....not so much!

A couple of years ago, Emilee started into the "I'm scared of the monster in my closet" phase, but it quickly became evident that whatever was "in the closet", was very real to her, and caused her poor little heart a significant amount of concern and even terror.  We prayed for angels, we dedicated our home, we dedicated her bedroom, we cast out evil, and Tyler even gave her a blessing every night before bed for a period of time....and still the haunting continued.  There were several nights spent in our room in a little make shift bed on the floor.  We worked tirelessly to calm a troubled heart and convince a fearful girl, that she was just fine, and that nothing was going to hurt her.......and then it happened.   

3:00 a.m. my eyes opened wide to the sound of Emilee's bedroom door knob popping.  I rolled to my back and saw the door swing wide open and then quickly shut.  I waited for her pitter patter to hurry across the hall, but nothing.  I waited.....and waited, but no sound.  No movement.  My heart started to beat furiously as I realized it was not my sweet daughter who opened the bedroom door.  My mind trying to convince my own troubled heart that everything was fine...and that nothing was going to hurt me.  I finally woke Tyler up and asked if he would go with me to check on the girls, afraid of what I might find on my own.  We quietly opened their door to find both of them sitting up in their beds wide eyed with fright and confusion!

I asked Emilee if she had opened her door, to which she replied, "No Mommy, but my walls were moving!"  What??!!!!  We gathered both of our babies and brought them to our room for the remainder of the night.

The next day things returned to normal, and night after night remained as before with complaints of fear that gradually faded away.....that is, until this week!!  On Saturday night Emilee refused to go to bed.  Her poor little heart beating fast and her squeaky little voice pleading for a house that isn't so scary!!  " I want a room that isn't so scary Mommy!"  "I know sweetheart, and someday we will have one, but for now we need to be brave, and trust Heavenly Father to take care of us.  When we are afraid we can tell Him and He will send Angels to watch over us and protect us."  

Nothing could convince our poor girl that she would be alright and we endured a long night of fearful emotion!  Tyler eventually ended up sleeping right next to her in her bed for the majority of the night!  Then last night it happened again.  I was having a difficult time sleeping, tossing and turning and feeling uncomfortable when at 1:00 a.m. on the dot, the girl's bedroom door opened up and then quickly closed, only no one came out, no one cried out.....no sound, no other movement.  I laid there awake for a good 20 minutes waiting to hear my girls, but I must have drifted off to sleep, because when Emilee cried out it was nearly 3:30 a.m.  I hurried to her side to offer my love and comfort.  She told me she was scared, and I whispered words of assurance and rubbed her little feet.  She finally gained enough courage to finish the night in her room and I went back to bed around 4:00 a.m.

I've decided that doors opening and closing in the night is not my cup o' tea!  Even if they are friendly ghosts. I prefer peaceful nights filled with sweet dreams and content babies in their cozy little beds. 

I'm trying to be brave and content with where we are, but I must admit I am hoping to live in a "not so scary" house someday myself!

I think I can....

When am I going to get it all together? 

I have been trying for my whole lifetime to make the basic things like, exercise, vitamins, prayer, scripture study, going to bed early and rising early, and keeping a clean home into habits and it feels like as soon as I get one going pretty consistently all of the others fall apart.

I'm not looking for perfection, just consistency.  I want to be able to count on myself to do what I say I am going to do....you know? 

I have a short attention span and a slow body, which is a strange combination, because my mind is busy and bustling with ideas and movement, and yet my body lags behind...way behind.  All of the fire inside only appears to be a tiny smolder when observing my daily accomplishments.

I am inpatient with how slow progression can be.  I want to be my best now!

I know I have plenty of emotional weaknesses in the mix, but today I am feeling fully aware of my physical limitations.  I want to be strong, fit, and energetic.....and yet I don't feel like I have the energy to make it happen.  I guess this is when I hit my knees and then do the best I can.  Somehow the Lord always gives me the strength to do what I don't think I can.